Hi Gene,
Just to let you know that you are not alone in feelings of guilt. When I meditate and also when I practice SFQ, I very frequently see images of my father in my mind and sometimes of my mother too.
My father died of cancer when I was only 18 months and my mother has had Lupus all her life and is often rushed off to hospital for the smallest things (which turn into bigger and more unstable things due to her condition). I have always known that I felt deep sadness about my father and also a constant fear about losing my mother - what I didn't realise, until I started meditating, was that I also felt a sense of shame and guilt about my father dying. A "Why did he abandon me?" "What did I do wrong?" "Why couldn't I have saved him?" type thing. And yet this happened when I was 18 months old! I also realised that deep down I have often felt bad or guilty when enjoying myself particularly when my mother was suffering (as she often is in a great deal of pain with arthritis, rheumatism, chronic ulcers etc.).
The healing work you are doing should help you bring a deep sense of forgiveness and love for yourself, a state which can soothe your feelings of fear, sadness and shame and help you to become whole inside again - help you to realise what you are beyond these feelings.
I have found the John Bradshaw book "Homecoming" very powerful. I read it a number of years ago when I first started healing work and it still helps me to articulate some of the most complex emotions and feelings which can sometimes be uncovered when I'm opening up to what's going on inside me.
I wish you the best of support and fulfilment in your healing.
best wishes
Ingrid :0)
