This is a painful subject for you and it would be impossible for anyone to reply without bringing tears to your eyes. I'm going to offer some suggestions. I have written this with difficulty as loss is always a painful topic and words don't always convey how we want to say it. So forgive me if it sounds harsh it's not intended that way.
From the Abundance For Life course the one you need to do is the Inquiry Process. You're going to cry a bit doing that. You need to let that happen since stopping yourself from crying is going to keep creating blocks that you will physically feel in your body.
Feeling bad about having put your father in a nursing home is still an issue that you need to work through using the Inquiry Process. It is very important that you take it to the turn around. So grab the work sheet in the manual. Find a quiet private corner of the garden or house where you won't be disturbed for an hour or so. You might even want to grab some tissues.
Inquiry might start. I am angry at my father because he didn't understand that the nursing home was the best thing for him. Or I am hurt / hurting because my father died.
You'll know what to write.
Fill in the whole form and I recommend writing your answers for the 4 questions into a journal or pages. Let it flow whatever your answer is. Just focus on the answer to the question don't try to explain it. Focus on one statement at a time right through to the turn around.
Once you have done the Inquiry Process you will probably notice a bit of relief. You then may want to use the Personal Relationship Paraliminal. Your father is always a part of you in your mind and in your heart. Having done the Inquiry Process you will realise what kind of relationship you want with him and the Personal Relationship Paraliminal will be the one that helps you to stay focused on having that kind of relationship whenever you think of him.
The reason I recommend the Inquiry Process, you mentioned your father hated the place and begged you to get him out every time you saw him. And you explained that there really wasn't another alternative. However it seems you still feel guilty about it. You need to work through that guilt and probable anger at your father for making you feel bad about putting him in the nursing home when you didn't have any other option.
Paraliminals can only help so much in this case. You might try the New History Generator to gain a different reaction to your fathers desire not to be in the nursing home. However I think the Inquiry Process will give you the most empowering results under the circumstances.
Be Well
Alex
