Let me provide the forum with more information. WARNING LONG POST make that VERY LONG.
First Tuna:
You pretty much hit the dot, i have many regrets about the situation. I will present you with the entire situation, i hope you have time to read it.
I will be blunt about the scenerio. First off let me tell you something about myself at the time.
Me in High School:
Fat about 230 pounds at 5'11
A social outcast, avoid talking to girls because of my Gynecomastia (www.gynecomastia.org , check out the forum titled "Your Stories" and read anyone's story)
I was made fun of by other students very often because of my condition, this lead to me cutting classes and failing courses. I dressed very weird and never shaved or got a hair cut (i was a mess), my father would threaten me daily with abuse for my grades, and i would spend hour upon hour playing EverQuest(Online RPG) where i lived happily since there were no taunts, no abuse, no grades, no asthma, no obesity, and i had more friends. Sometimes i like to think that people were jealous of me (i skipped courses, scored very high on SAT type exams, and would ,when challenged outscore even the highly motivated students in a particular class. But i would have traded all that for just one chance to be normal and get invited to hang out etc.
What happened:
My english teacher in my junior year was very impressed with me for some unknown reason and he forced the english department to take me into the AP english class, forced because i had a 2.0 English gpa and a 1.7 overall gpa the average of the other students in the class was 3.5-4.0 in english and 3.0-4.0 overall, including hers which was a 3.7 overall and a 3.9 in english. Everyone knew that i was a "loser"
but i was treated very nicely. So time went by and oneday i was giving a presentation and she asked me a question (i remember it all clearly but incase anyone here is from my high school...) the question was very sticky and i couldnt argue with a female so i didnt even try to stress my reasoning, i just stared at her while she was talking, we made eye contact and she blushed fiercely. And i just sat down without thinking about the incident, after a few days i began to take note of her persona (no i didnt stalk her 
) then something happened and i realized that i really wanted to get to know her better.
The changes:
I quit Everquest 3 days after that
Started to dress more fashionably(www.bananarepublic.com
Lost over 10 pounds
Started to attend more classes
defended myself from the constant verbal assaults
I tell her how i feel:
I walk up to her oneday, and tell her how i feel, this is how the dialog went:
Me: Hey, "*******" , can i talk to you for one moment
Her: yeah sure??????
Me: *turning yellow, knees soon shake, eyes blacking out*, "I just wanted to say, that i am very attracted to you"
Her: "WHO??? ME??????" *perplexed expression*
Me: *nods*, "i just needed to say it"
I ask her out a few days later (2 weeks):
I explained to her the situation that i was very nervous last time and walked away, and asked her out, she said no because it was the end of the year and she didnt want a relationship. But the truth is different, her friends circle had made a big joke out of me, and so had people in my school. But i didnt give up, she had an interest in me since she spent alot of time talking to me online and over the summer we talked 5/7 days all night (8 hours at some times 9 or 10 at others, no breaks), i couldnt force myself to meet her cuz of my condition, and she had a crush on some other guy, i knew i wouldnt get a sincere chance anyway, it would have been a sympathy thing and i would never be able to be myself with her untill i had my weight and condition fixed. So we became friends and i met her a few times when her sister was present (older, whom i became very close friends with). I saw her last 1 year or so ago but we talk often, she is seeing some other guy, but something keeps telling me that i do have a chance only if i can present my true self to her, not the scared little boy (only around her), with the females i know since i began college (after the 38 pounds weight loss, and a complete make over) i am very open and generally i get compliments with respect to my verbal capacity , wit, and general knowledge. AS for what i like about her, her look (she is not the prettiest girl in world, and most of my friends say that i can do far better), her intelligence (which she often chooses not to show but at times her insights surprise me, and she does well in class), her syntax (ok ok i am a weirdo but arent we all?), and that she is very good with kids ( i am not).
Well last i saw her was 1 year or so back when i was still pretty fat, and introverted. I talked to her yesterday on AIM. Anyway i think i do have a chance but only after i get surgical correction for my condition (this april likely), and stop making such a big deal out of it! I get other chances with girls but i still cant pursue them since i want a chance with her first, i forgive myself, infact congratulate myself on coming this far in my studies (pure mathematics major) and socially (i make friends very easily, and have a few friends that i really care for me). I just want some advice on how i can stop making a big deal out of the whole situation, so i can work off the last 15 pounds get my surgery and ask her out without feeling like its the end of the world.
To Iam2:
Thats #1 on my -(Asset list) , this is a bad type of obsessing, but i still cant find a systematic way to uproot this. I tried giving myself suggestions in my LDs (which thanks to her being in them lets me know its a dream! so i managed about 3 or 4 in a row, hehe pathetic eh?)How do you suggest that i learn to accept this? i dont feel i am ready to get over her without giving myself a real chance, not the bull i was forced to accept in highschool (time was running out, if we were in our freshmen year i would have waited till senior year to ask her out, (after i fixed the stuff that made me introverted, scared....pathetic)
Hope i didnt bore you guys to death, thanks alot for reading.
p.s.-we dont go to the same college btw, my gpa was too low and i wasnt interested in that school (i was afraid to see her?), i hang out with her sister often without her knowing (she gets jealous for some reason), i have on occasion asked her if she wanted to get something to eat etc. (maybe 2 times) and she said she had school, etc.
[This message has been edited by Serpentaura (edited February 15, 2003).]
