Forums IMPORTANT: PLEASE READ Beyond Human i need help

I need some advice. I have been for 3 years now been interested in the same girl, and this has had a negative effect on my happiness. I cant seem to get over her, i have vivid dreams about her even when i manage to keep my mind off of while awake. Please advise

Serpentaura, I can truly empathise with the way you are feeling. I too have had regrets about decisions I have made in the past. I have had a few opportunities to pursue meaning relationships, but have lacked the confidence, courage, and absconded in fear. I am currently working on overcoming this.

About this girl, what attracts you to her? Did you ever have a meaningful relationship with her? Have you ever approached her and told her how you feel about her? If not, what has stopped you? Do you still see or talk to this girl?

The only good advice for overcoming these feelings of regret is to first and foremost, FORGIVE yourself. Accept reality, and know that everything you have done in the past is okay. Accepting the situation is key to put the past behind you and concentrate on the only thing we can change(the present and future).
Holosync, offered by Centerpointe at www.centerpointe.com can be very helpful in dealing with your current unhappiness, I have personally used it for over 6 months and it has been very emotionally cleansing.

You are obsessing. You probably obsess about other things too. You need to realize when obsession is providing a positive force in your life and when it is providing a negative influence.

I'm assuming that you do not have the relationship with this lady, that you desire. I also suspect that if you were to start developing are relationship that is approaching what you desire, it will NOT be like you are imagining it.

My advice is simple, just like me, "Let her go". Accept that you can create all that you need in your life, entirely by yourself. Become complete onto and within yourself.

Oh, happiness is an attitude not a set of conditions. You choose to be happy or not. Happiness like anger is a choice and not the outcome of things.

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The above advice is not provided by a trained individual and should be taken with scepticism, especially since I'm guessing about a situation and two people from a single paragraph.

Good luck,

Iam2

Let me provide the forum with more information. WARNING LONG POST make that VERY LONG.

First Tuna:

You pretty much hit the dot, i have many regrets about the situation. I will present you with the entire situation, i hope you have time to read it.

I will be blunt about the scenerio. First off let me tell you something about myself at the time.

Me in High School:

Fat about 230 pounds at 5'11
A social outcast, avoid talking to girls because of my Gynecomastia (www.gynecomastia.org , check out the forum titled "Your Stories" and read anyone's story)
I was made fun of by other students very often because of my condition, this lead to me cutting classes and failing courses. I dressed very weird and never shaved or got a hair cut (i was a mess), my father would threaten me daily with abuse for my grades, and i would spend hour upon hour playing EverQuest(Online RPG) where i lived happily since there were no taunts, no abuse, no grades, no asthma, no obesity, and i had more friends. Sometimes i like to think that people were jealous of me (i skipped courses, scored very high on SAT type exams, and would ,when challenged outscore even the highly motivated students in a particular class. But i would have traded all that for just one chance to be normal and get invited to hang out etc.

What happened:
My english teacher in my junior year was very impressed with me for some unknown reason and he forced the english department to take me into the AP english class, forced because i had a 2.0 English gpa and a 1.7 overall gpa the average of the other students in the class was 3.5-4.0 in english and 3.0-4.0 overall, including hers which was a 3.7 overall and a 3.9 in english. Everyone knew that i was a "loser"
but i was treated very nicely. So time went by and oneday i was giving a presentation and she asked me a question (i remember it all clearly but incase anyone here is from my high school...) the question was very sticky and i couldnt argue with a female so i didnt even try to stress my reasoning, i just stared at her while she was talking, we made eye contact and she blushed fiercely. And i just sat down without thinking about the incident, after a few days i began to take note of her persona (no i didnt stalk her ) then something happened and i realized that i really wanted to get to know her better.

The changes:
I quit Everquest 3 days after that
Started to dress more fashionably(www.bananarepublic.com
Lost over 10 pounds
Started to attend more classes
defended myself from the constant verbal assaults

I tell her how i feel:

I walk up to her oneday, and tell her how i feel, this is how the dialog went:

Me: Hey, "*******" , can i talk to you for one moment

Her: yeah sure??????

Me: *turning yellow, knees soon shake, eyes blacking out*, "I just wanted to say, that i am very attracted to you"

Her: "WHO??? ME??????" *perplexed expression*

Me: *nods*, "i just needed to say it"

I ask her out a few days later (2 weeks):

I explained to her the situation that i was very nervous last time and walked away, and asked her out, she said no because it was the end of the year and she didnt want a relationship. But the truth is different, her friends circle had made a big joke out of me, and so had people in my school. But i didnt give up, she had an interest in me since she spent alot of time talking to me online and over the summer we talked 5/7 days all night (8 hours at some times 9 or 10 at others, no breaks), i couldnt force myself to meet her cuz of my condition, and she had a crush on some other guy, i knew i wouldnt get a sincere chance anyway, it would have been a sympathy thing and i would never be able to be myself with her untill i had my weight and condition fixed. So we became friends and i met her a few times when her sister was present (older, whom i became very close friends with). I saw her last 1 year or so ago but we talk often, she is seeing some other guy, but something keeps telling me that i do have a chance only if i can present my true self to her, not the scared little boy (only around her), with the females i know since i began college (after the 38 pounds weight loss, and a complete make over) i am very open and generally i get compliments with respect to my verbal capacity , wit, and general knowledge. AS for what i like about her, her look (she is not the prettiest girl in world, and most of my friends say that i can do far better), her intelligence (which she often chooses not to show but at times her insights surprise me, and she does well in class), her syntax (ok ok i am a weirdo but arent we all?), and that she is very good with kids ( i am not).

Well last i saw her was 1 year or so back when i was still pretty fat, and introverted. I talked to her yesterday on AIM. Anyway i think i do have a chance but only after i get surgical correction for my condition (this april likely), and stop making such a big deal out of it! I get other chances with girls but i still cant pursue them since i want a chance with her first, i forgive myself, infact congratulate myself on coming this far in my studies (pure mathematics major) and socially (i make friends very easily, and have a few friends that i really care for me). I just want some advice on how i can stop making a big deal out of the whole situation, so i can work off the last 15 pounds get my surgery and ask her out without feeling like its the end of the world.

To Iam2:
Thats #1 on my -(Asset list) , this is a bad type of obsessing, but i still cant find a systematic way to uproot this. I tried giving myself suggestions in my LDs (which thanks to her being in them lets me know its a dream! so i managed about 3 or 4 in a row, hehe pathetic eh?)How do you suggest that i learn to accept this? i dont feel i am ready to get over her without giving myself a real chance, not the bull i was forced to accept in highschool (time was running out, if we were in our freshmen year i would have waited till senior year to ask her out, (after i fixed the stuff that made me introverted, scared....pathetic)

Hope i didnt bore you guys to death, thanks alot for reading.

p.s.-we dont go to the same college btw, my gpa was too low and i wasnt interested in that school (i was afraid to see her?), i hang out with her sister often without her knowing (she gets jealous for some reason), i have on occasion asked her if she wanted to get something to eat etc. (maybe 2 times) and she said she had school, etc.

[This message has been edited by Serpentaura (edited February 15, 2003).]

How????
I don't know. My suggestion stays the same, which is to be happy with yourself. Change what you can and what you want, but it takes the same strenght or wisdom to be happy with yourself regardless of how you are.

Self forgiveness and giving yourself recognition for your virtues are only two tools I can think of for helping you right now.

Okay, another thing for fighting obsessing would be to notice your self talk and work to change it. Your internal dialoque should not be "I'm not going to think about that." Affirmation with negations have totally the opposite effect. I would suggest that if you notice your thoughts are headed where it's not productive for you, or already there, just thank your mind and say I will attend these thougths later or when it is helpful for me, but now I will think about ... and be happy for the completion of ...., or I think of an affirmation that his supportive.

Good luck,

Iam2

This is going to be weird, and probably against your ethical programming, but I still think it to be good advice.

Major Mark Cunningham says that when one wants a particular woman, the best thing to do is seduce ten other women, and the the one you want will both be "not so hard," and if you are rejected you'll have some perspective on the whole "other fish in the sea."

I speak from experience, as I've had my own fair share of obsessions. I've actually taken no less than four perscription medications due to them. The best thing for it is to see human beings as unique, but ultimately interchangable. One girlfriend can never replace another, but every woman has her own special qualities that make her lovable.

Hope that helps.

Thanks, rewriting my self dialogue is the first step, next its obsessing over my studies (cryptology,mathematics,computer science), and the final would be realizing as kaiden says, that everyone is unique but interchangable. Also i am going to try that seduce 10 others thing (i got 3 so far), but not be too serious about it fixing my problem. The main reason it makes me unhappy is that i "lost" a personal challenge, and if i give up on it totally i will never be able to make the game a "draw" rather then a loss, maybe this sounds weird but it challenges one of my core principles ("If enough effort is put in any endeavor the desired result will be produced"). The only problem seems to be that its keeping me from what i really want to do (again paradoxal), and that is Image Stream, Photo Read, Work on math problems, and learn a few more computer languages!! (good grades would be nice too)

Thanks Again, ill try

quote:

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Originally posted by Serpentaura:
The main reason it makes me unhappy is that i "lost" a personal challenge, and if i give up on it totally i will never be able to make the game a "draw" rather then a loss, maybe this sounds weird but it challenges one of my core principles ("If enough effort is put in any endeavor the desired result will be produced").

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One of the principles of seduction is "The Box-Top Principle." Seductive men see being refused as like collecting a box-top. With enough effort put into the endeavor of seduction, they will have enough "box tops" to "send in for the prize." In sales, this is the 80/20 rule, where 80% of your sales come from 20% of your clients. Another principle is "one woman, one vote." Women's tastes are far more individual than mens. Some women only like Bishonen. Some only like tall, thin, black men. Some refuse to date outside of their enthicity, and some refuse to date within it. Any man has the potential to become a sex symbol. Anything that could be a "drawback" can be transformed into "character." Pavarati and Ryse Davis are both fat. Kevin Spacey walks with a limp and is short and balding. My girlfriend thinks that Tom Cruise is ugly.

Conversely, go for what you like, not for what other people say you should like. I find many "hot" women to be unatractive, especially Julia Robertson. When you are attracted to a person, your attraction is itself attractive. This goes beyond the physical, as Will calls to Will.

Just another thought I had. It's an obvious one, but since it just popped out I guess my inner mind thought it was important, so I'm back with another gem.

Obsession is about what's going on inside you. The object of the obsession in coincidental. Keeping this thought may make it easier to set aside the non-constructive trains of thought.

Good luck,

Iam2

An important realization came to me as i was writing in my portable memory bank. Ill attempt to describe it, but its helped me feel more comfortable. So here it is anyway.

"I obsess and thats a natural part of my mind, its both my greatest strength and weakness. Without it i would never have achieved any of the things that give me my self-respect and at the same time it's non-existence would have given me no reason to disrespect myself (both were shades of obsession). This leads me to conclude that
obsession is a powerful tool that i have yet to control (this excites me greatly), now i link this with my "love", my obsession is existent only because it challenged one of my core principles, but what if, my principle itself was doubtful (Thanks to Descartes and win/paul's conditioning for this one), and therefore not worth me obsessing over. So the following arguement came up. Is my principle absolutely certain? Or does there exist enough doubt in it for me to discard it as one of my core values or change it?

This is what i decided, but i am looking for more "proofs".

If enough effort is put in any endeavor the desired result will be produced"

"enough effort"- was put in when i was around 11, i never questioned if the effort is worth putting in.

"any endeavor"- any statement with "any" in it is doubtful (HEHEH I STARTED THIS ONE WITH "ANY"). Some endeavors take more time then one can accomplish in one's life time, i.e. my dream to visit an alien planet is not likely to come true even if i put in all my effort (in this life time), first off funds would be impossible, to promote the research, my training as an astronaut would take away time from my desire to serve society by teaching the youth, etc.

"desired"- is it really desired? is my result even existent? I will use a poem to illustrate.

Although i Have her love
Unhappiness is me
Her kiss was not as great
As all dreams i had with thee

"produced"- by whom? myself? my effort? luck?(since i put in enough time/rolled the dice enough), there is no way to say that i my efforts have indeed produced my result.

So i think this so called core value needs to be refurbished! Any ideas?

p.s.- i am trying to come up with a way to limit my contact with people, i need time to study and improve myself. I would love for suggestions on that as well.