First off, I've met with medical doctors before. All they want to do is prescribe numerous anti-depressants, which I did use for a month. Also, I suppose I should tell you how I first got this disorder, since it might help narrow things down a little.
A little over 2 years ago I had gotten in a fight with my dad over some stupid junk about my brother. There was something wrong with my dad, he wasn't a bad guy, but he loved treating my brother like a prince when the guy [my brother] was a complete jackass to everyone (even my dad). Whenever I tried confronting him [my father] about this, though, he would act completely clueless: "What are you talking about?" "I treat both of you the same.” It drove me crazy, was he really clueless, or was he just lying? Anyway, back to the story.
One night after another fiasco of my brother acting like a total prick and my dad defending him, I got in a huge fight with my father (no fists were thrown) and ended up getting kicked out of the house. The whole thing just drove me crazy. There was no solution for this, no reason why it should’ve happened, the whole thing just didn’t make sense. I was so mad because of it, but the anger I felt was different than any anger I had felt before. I couldn’t let it out [the anger], and so it stayed inside me, plaguing my thoughts, clouding my feelings and intuition. The next day I felt... different. The anger had died down, but all those things it had taken from me we’re still gone.
Anyway, I don’t want to get into too much detail so a week later after I had moved into my mother’s I met with my dad once again and we hugged and became cool again. It was at that exact moment that all those feelings of love and control all came flowing back into me. I was me again, and I didn’t want it any other way. Things continued to stay this way until a week or two later when my family and I went over to my Aunt’s house to meet up with other family members and enjoy the Christmas holiday. I was having a perfectly good time until my cousin decided to follow my brother’s lead and ruin my time by being a complete jerk. What my cousin had said wasn’t even that offensive, in fact, I can’t even remember what it was, but for some reason it bugged the hell out of me. I began feeling the similar to when I had got into that fight with Dad from earlier. I began to shake, and I couldn’t pay attention. I kept asking myself why I was so angry; I had heard far worse insult in my time so why on Earth was this bugging me so much? My anger stayed with me and I continued to lose more and more control over who I was. The next day I was dead again, forced to live the next two years as a shadow of my former self.
Now flashback to the point where I said I had regained everything I lost after making up with my father. The only thing that keeps me going is the thought that one day the same thing will happen to me and everything I lost will just magically return. I just need to know though, where are these things I lost? Why did they return and why did they leave? How do I get them back?
Okay, I think I’ve written enough. Matrixman, I’ll get to your questions in a couple of minutes.
