Hmmm. Seems to me the solution to the problem with your dad might have nothing to do with your dad at all.

You got me thinking about the double-bind and schizophrenia. A damned if you do, damned if you don't kind of scenario.

I have had situations with my parents where everything seemed impossible and the way they were acting was totally crazy and made me feel totally crazy. Most people, I think, rely a lot on their parents for validation and a sense of identity. Sometimes this relationship just doesn't work, and we end up going a little nuts. Or a lot nuts as the case may be.

While saying that connecting with your father is the important thing is well intentioned, I think it might just be adding fuel to the fire. What it might do is actually strengthen the pendulum swing in the good direction, only to have it smash harder in the wrong one.

The important thing to notice here is what you are seeking from your father, what the situation is having you identify yourself with and as. When he treats me like x, I am y. When he treats me like a, I am b ... and I can only be either y or b. They are mutually exclusive.

There are some ways around this.

One is exploring your sense of self and feeling how you identify with each state ... allowing yourself to do so. Then explore being both at the same time. That is, the two states are not mutually exclusive. What this means is that you are more than just one thing or another and you are more than both combined. This is how you have been described and been describing yourself on a deep level.

Another thing is to notice and sponsor your identity above, beyond, and outisde of your relationship with your family.

A person came to Milton Erickson with certain very strange issues. He misspelled words in a peculiar fashion, for one, and couldn't stop. Words were spelled correctly, but every 3rd and 4th (if I recall correctly) letter were reversed. He was the son of a domineering middle-eastern father who had some very harsh views about men and women. The guy had 2 or more sisters ... and his father was very hard on him. His place in the family in terms of his manhood and relationships with his sisters was totally screwed up.

The cure was that Milton told him since he was born in America that he was an American and his father could do nothing about that fact. As an American he had a certain heritage and certain rights. Americans looked at issues of manhood and womanhood and family life differently. He had the guy identify as an American, which gave him a way out above and beyond his family issues. The guy encouraged his sisters to see Milton. Nothing really could be done for the father, as he was set in his ways, but there was definitely hope for the children.

As with most Milton stories, the guy lived happily ever after ... getting married, getting a good job, having kids, and sending Milton presents.

The point is, you are more than a son of a father. You are more than a brother or cousin. And you are more than any of these relations signify.

Good luck in finding communities and relationships where you can find room to live, breathe, feel, and relate inside of this truth.