I don't think there's a magic bullet or pill here.

Each situation is different for each person.

I used to have difficulties with my mother. I held grudges against her. Whenever I would talk to her and bring up something I had against her, she'd quickly evade addressing the issue by saying things like, "Don't you think I've done enough for you?"

Eventually we got to know each other better. Our relationship, over time and as a result of me going to therapy, got better.

There came a point where we could just sit with each other and say almost anything and not feel like we were attacking or being attacked, it was just stating facts. Once, when I was talking to her and I felt it was safe ground for me to present one of my grudges, I said, "You know, it hurt me when you ...." and then I told her.

She sat there, absorbed it, and said, "I'm sorry I did that to you, that makes me feel awful." She started crying. All the anger, all the animosity, all the negativity I had felt for years, all the buildup and festering was suddenly wiped away. All I needed for her was to recognize the fact that what she did had an effect upon me, to take some notice and responsibility, and then all the hurt disappeared.

I told her it was ok, and that she didn't need to worry about it, that I just wanted her to know that what she did hurt me. And it was over. The ghost was exorcised.

Could I have just "let go"? God knows I tried. But I needed the event.

Some people, when a family member is murdered, need to know that the assailant has been brought to justice and is being punished, is made to feel pain. This alleviates things for them. Some people feel that this makes it worse.

Everyone is wired in their own individual way.

So much is said in done in the effort of making things the same and labeling that love ... however, love and compassion is found in noticing and appreciating differences as much as it is in noticing and appreciating sameness.

The development of cognition in a child as regarded by Piaget indicates a growing ability of discernment. That is, a child learns that the whole world is not an undifferentiated mass of stuff that is the self, but that there is a me and not me, that the child has hands and fingers ... that an object is different from a background ... that objects have permanence when taken away.

A lot of spirituality seems to be aimed at removing the distinctions learned because of the development of basic cognitive abilities.

We are different. There is ugliness, and there is beauty. Everything *isn't* beautiful. I think that trying to make everything beautiful is an attempt to run away from ugliness so one doesn't have to cope with the fact that there are, yes, ugly things, ugly people, and ugliness inside and about the self. It really is a form of cowardice, IMO, and an attempt to run away from the world.

The world is complex. Why smear it with one great big broad stroke and rid existence of its intricate beauty? A beauty that is given meaning in part by ugliness?

[This message has been edited by babayada (edited July 14, 2004).]