Suzie,
I think you're saying a lot.
I think there is a great amount of self-torture in hoping for enlightenment.
It's not hypocritical at all to say you'd do it again. We all need something to do with our time, something meaningful to us. It didn't bring where they said you'd be, but obviously the ride carried value for you.
I like what Shunryu Suzuki says about practice. You don't practice for enlightenment, you practice to practice.
Zen Mind, Beginner's Mind is a really really good book.
