I just got back from a class that I'm about to fail. I know this, and the teacher knows this. He's a nice guy, and addressed the problem to me in a decent way, and told me that because of my poor attendance (which resulted in me missing two quizzes) and my doing poorly on the midterm meant that I cannot realistically pass his course, "Hindu Philosophy." I explained that I could not drop the course or I'd forfeit a scholarship that requires I take 12 credits, and he reasoned that I should just not come to class, and focus on my other courses and do well on those, instead. It was a valid suggestion, so I told him that the lectures I attended were very good, and that my failing was my own fault, and not in any way his, and that I would re-take the course again in the future.
Then, while walking home, I thought about it, and when I got home I wrote him this e-mail:
<<Hi Professor,
I'm that kid who "is free" on Tuesdays and Thursdays from 4:30 to 5:50 in your Hindu Philosophy class - the one with no quiz grades and a failing midterm grade.
As I was walking to my car, I started thinking about the correct course of action. "I mean, there's no way I can pass Hindu Philosophy, so I might as well concentrate on my other courses."
Then I started thinking about Hinduism itself. Letting go of the fruits of our actions, performing our duty despite what our temporal desires may tell us.
If there is an illusion that I cannot break it is my vice of laziness, and my short-term pleasure of having done nothing delights me in some way. It's the easy path, the path where I can indulge on all my earthly pleasures without having to commit to something else. I liked to tell myself, "I'm apathetic, and because I have no preference for pass or fail, it means I've let go of attachment. Don't worry, you're on a path to righteousness."
But I know it's not.
It's a path where I don't have to challenge myself, where I don't have to think or sacrifice any span of time I somehow think belongs to me. I am indulged in myself.
"So what should I do?" I have to somehow prove to myself that while I can let go of the attachment of goals and the fruits of what I do, I can also let go of the self-indulgence that I live by not doing anything at all.
I have my situation: no matter how well or poor I do on the rest of the semester for this course, I know in the end I will have an "F". I could sit back, not come to class, and focus on the other courses, and keep my eye on the future, trying to correct the "F" in another semester. But then what? Then I'm still focused on this great goal of a better GPA, an easier path, a path where I commit less of myself and get more in return.
Or I could choose to let go of this fruit, and just do my best knowing I'll fail.
"If you try your hardest in your other classes, you'll still be sacrificing yourself, if that's your concern," my logical mind tells me. But then I'm still committing on what I know is easier and will bear fruit.
To me, completing this course with my "F" in the end will prove to me that I can perform my duty as a student without caring about my fruit-grade. To me, giving up would be to throw down Arjuna's sword and not fight. To me, failing this course may be one of the more important things I will ever learn in college.
In short, I will go to your class, do my best, and fail miserably.
Maybe doing this will help me learn Hindu Philosophy.
I'll see you in class.
-Ramon>>
I was wondering if I did the right thing, or if I should just go as planned. What do you guys think?
-Ramon http://razor.ramon.com
