At the risk of stretching out this post to an unreadable length, I am posting yet another update.
After much thought and introspection I have discovered a lot about myself (odd when that happens). I have been dredging up old memories and reanalysing old thoughts in an attempt to better understand my life - and I think I am really getting somewhere. I know I have come far over the past few years since my so-called "Great Depression" (I had one year of devastating depression). At some point in the last 4 years I managed to actually be able to look at myself in the mirror again - I used to find this incredibly painful. Also I think the way I carry myself helps - I tend to slouch and stoop and being a little over 6ft tall this looks incredibly unattractive - today after receiveing good news at the doctor I walked down the street with my head held high without having even thought about it.
So progress I've made incredibly recently:
.I've cleared up a medical problem - something that scared the hell out of me and also made me feel guilty (long story, least said the better)
.I've rediscovered the joy of hard work - I used to love it, then at some point I just got lazy.
.I've rediscovered a therapy book that helped me a few years ago and have re-read it and understood it completely - incredibly useful.
.I've discovered the incredible (I'll use a new synonym in a minute) power of Nietzsche's philosophy - this world is a will to power and nothing else - it took me a long time to realise this.
.And finally I've realised more and more reasons why I'm depressed - I've just slipped into a loop of inactivity, boredom, self-destructive behaviour and so on.
Also I think I am losing some of my comtempt for my fellow man - I used to hate everybody for some reason or another. At the moment it is still dawning on me that other people have a right to live their life the way they want to(!) I used to hate the way most people dress, or talk, or what they talk about, how they spend their time, then there was male grooming and the male ego . . .
I think right now I have reached a good stage - the only people I hold in contempt are boyfriends. I look around me these days and too often I see women that are stunningly attractive or incredibly smart or kind or sensitive and so on. But what fries me is when I see what they have to put up with in the form of men - too many men who are fat, irresponsible, badly dressed, lazy, stupid, neurotic, violent, drunk, drug-takers, or whatever.
I suppose my rantings have a point - I am trying to aspire to greatness right now. I want to get all the money in the world and stick it in my ears . . . I want power and confidence, book-smarts and above all I want to be someone that women desire - I simply think they desire better than the crap they have now.
Forget the depression from the past and keep your eyes on where you want to go. Just remember it is the journey toward your goal that is the exciting part. Notice the successful steps along the way. It's a step by step process to achieve your goals.