Hi John,
If I get what you are saying, you have some heavy emotional feelings messing with your happiness, and perhaps your experience of qigong. Maybe more quantity than quality. It is not easy, especially at first, to focus everything to what you are doing in the exercises. The idea of being in the present, is a good place to start. The present is the present. You are holding it as you go forward. You can make choices that create the best possible future. The past, is the past. You have to go looking there to find it. If you work in the present, as you practice your qigong, you are creating a positive effect on your 'whole' being. How you move forward, becomes lighter. Negative energy, or extra energy, emotions, past emotional experience, all are addressed, in this focus on your exercise, in the present moment. You don't have to realize or see that. You just sit in a better place, you heal and purify. Energy is released, you gradually transform. It is not easy to hold one's focus, and can be , hard work. It does have benefit though, and good side effects.
I was taught, and believe, in new beginnings, at any moment we chose to have them. It is a choice. Your past doesn't matter. You can start anew, anytime. You can fail, and start again. You can blow it, and have a glorious new beginning, anytime. Iam2 mentions alot of important related things to this, regarding self forgiveness and non judgement. It is all in your hands. We can't actually do it for you,,, you have that power yourself. You say there is so much more to tell us, before someone can help you. I say, you can help yourself, it is not important that anyone know more of the details. It is all just energy. It can be read as extra energy, or perhaps positive and negative. It it is within your being, and is negative, or extra energy, you can release it. Just do your qigong in the present. Don't go into the past. If it comes forward to where you are in the present, release it. Let it go.
There is a saying,,,,'holding the center'. It can be as precarious as holding your balance on one foot. You may only be able to hold it up for a few seconds. same with being fully present. You can build on it though. Eventually, you are comfortably standing on one leg, and so much so, that if you aren't in the emptiness at that point, you are in the present moment 100%, and enjoying that experience of full awareness of your surroundings.
You might be fully aware of nature, the sun shining down,
etc., but not negative thoughts or feelings. Just being there in the moment. The side effects are greater wisdom, clearing baggage, and seeing a bright future, or new beginnings. You don't have to see this all happen. It just does. Over time, you feel better and better. You don't go back to past negatives. They have moved up and out, through your continual opening and releasing, conscious or unconcious work.
My experience of the present, also can involve the movement of time. Or, sense of that constant shift. It takes diligent focus to ride that and stay in the present. A simple distraction, like a plane flying over or something, and all of a sudden you are recalling a trip you took somewhere. Five minutes go by, until you come back to the present moment, and realize you were gone!
Just refocus. No emotions involved, self judgement. No failure here. You are human, and you are doing the work. You set aside the time to do this work. It is a good thing, period. Your experience is good, whatever happens. Make the effort to hold the center. You get better at it. Watch your senses. Some taoist theory will refer to the senses as thieves. Like hearing that plane overhead, and that taking you away. If there is a sound, you can hear it, without 'listening'. You don't have to shift your focus onto hearing the sound. It is a distraction like this, that can take you farther away into some deeper feeling or thought, re energerzing or supporting its existance within you. Relaxing, focusing on the exercises, doing them in the present, holding that center, transforms you.
Your upbringing is past. Let it be past. You are here now. Choose a new beginning without the past. Forgiveness all around, yourself included. Don't let your mind take you there. Your higher spirit and soul, are your center, not your mind. Your experience , now, is what you make it. SFQ is not your last stop, in desperation. It is a new beginning, and you are heading into eternity. It will help you align with that truth. It is nothing but positive and glorious, in matter of fact. God is about love, not judgement. The best you can do, is to be good to yourself. Seems simple heh? It just takes that first step, a new beginning. Let go of the past. It doesn't serve you well in the present, it doesn't belong there, or within you. It is just extra energy you hold. Let it go with your breath and movements as you stand in the present.
I post an email address, if I haven't addressed your post, or if you want to talk a bit on the side, but as I said, sharing your past doesn't move that energy anywhere. It is not different than a physical blockage, like a tumor. Don't want to see that either! Don't want to acknowledge it or support it. It is time to see it going going gone, through your self practice.
I see you are retired. You have been around for awhile, perhaps! It might take some time letting go of what one can accumulate over time, or over lifetimes. You can do the work now, or not. It is work to do, and it will get done at the point you choose to do it. What comes after that gets better and better. I am speaking beyond your experience in this lifetime regarding anything I've said. If that doesn't resonate with your beliefs, you can just look at how you want your experience to be now, and address that relative to this time, here and now. Life can be enjoyed.
love,
gallen