Dear Grant,
I see. Thanks for your honesty. I suppose you started the topic as a cry for help, more than just an intellectual discussion-opener.
I'm not sure whether I can really help, but I can simply share with you what I do to keep my integrity. At the end of the day, it really is simply a matter of whether I can honestly review what I've said and done and feel good about it. If I can, I can sleep soundly at night. If I can't, I feel lousy and usually don't sleep well at all. So, for me, it's like a reward/punishment kind of thing ... be a congruent human being, and be rewarded with a clear conscience.
At an even higher level, when it becomes a habit to live one's life with integrity, then there's no longer such a need for the "reward." Then, it just becomes automatic, and doing good is its own reward.
You say you "hunger" and "thirst" for integrity. So, why not partake and eat and drink from its bounty? It's really not difficult .... if you believe something, live it. If you don't, let it go, but let someone else who believes in it partake to her satisfaction. There's a release and freedom when one lives her life truthfully. It's a matter of choice, a matter of will. Just as you have the choice to get up in the morning or to stay in bed all day, you have the choice to live with full integrity or not.
Well, at least you have the desire to live with integrity. Some people don't, and yet somehow it doesn't bother them at all. They have a real problem with "evil." You, my friend, are on the path toward "good."
Best to you in your journey,
HF
