Quote:

How do you know you are failing at relationships? ....




>How do you know you are failing at relationships?
#D2C: Because every time I am enjoying someone's company, I do things that sabotage that relationship. Because people who are friends with me, form a strong bond with others and dump me as a friend (because of reason #1 generally).


>This is just a guess on my part, but it seems to me, D2C, that you decide that some things are big problems for you that need to be addressed before you can get on with life like a normal, average person. I think this is your big problem, actually.
#D2C: You are correct. I know it's about me and my distorted beliefs. But how do I get past that? I have been trying for years and cannot find a permanent way of lifting the veil of deceit, betrayal and pain. I manage to lift it long enough to get people to like me and then wham .... back to the mistrust.

>I think that if you just decided, "To hell with it. I am going to live my life and get what's coming to me regardless of these damned problems. To hell with them!" you'd be much better off.
#D2C: That is what I have been doing for the past ... oh 10 years or so. It is not working for me!

>Your problem isn't that you have problems. Your problem is that you're focusing on these problems unnecessarily when you can be just going out there and living life to the fullest you can give your current state. Maybe that isn't as fabulous as you'd like, but it's probably enough.
#D2C: Agree once again. This is exactly what I don't understand. I have reached milestones successfully in almost every area of my life but relationships. And when I talk of relationship, I don't mean with opposite sex. I don't have a single best friend. I have people I like. I have people I know. I have people I share common interest with but I don't have a single confidant. I don't have a single person in my life (apart from family of course) whom I can pick up the phone at the last minute and ask to spend time with – to do something fun - like movies, dinner or even shopping for clothes! I don’t have a single person I can call when I really need to talk – about great things that have happened to me or if I am feeling low. It all boils down to - I can only show "so much" of myself to the world, the rest of me is private and closed - closed because I don't ever want to feel the hurt again.

>People say they want honesty. People say they want openness. But they don't. They may want to know how you're feeling, in general, but they don't want the total truth. She doesn't want to know, for instance, that you've always thought her nose is really freaking ugly. She doesn't need to know. And you don't need to tell her.
#D2C: See, that's it! That is the problem then. Because to me a friend is someone you can share all your secrets with. Sure, someone who doesn’t say hurtful things like you are super stupid or ugly (for example) but rather someone who can tastefully tell you like it is (I guess this means you are my friend now !?) someone who does not judge you or label you but looks at the situation and tries to understand my point of view regardless of whether it is all in my head or whether it is a fact. Someone who can listen and then not blab about your problems to others. Someone whom you can trust 100% - to know that if I tell you something, it stays between you and me and no third person. I guess my definition of a "friend" is distorted.

>We're human. That's what it boils down to. Don't buy idealistic crap that will turn your life into a nightmare and make you doubt and judge yourself. You're flawed (and thank God for that, anyone that wasn't would be insufferable). We all are. Deal with it and live your life. If you have to live with others in all their glorious, annoying imperfection, they damn well should have to live with you and yours.
#D2C: Self esteem is something else that I am working on. I think I have made progress but perhaps, if I am honest, I should admit that poor self esteem is part of the problem and because of it, I end up sabotaging a good thing.

>Be kind. Control yourself. Be ethical, moral, and compassionate as you can without giving yourself hemorrhoids and chronic hypertension. And give yourself a break. You're human, not an ideal.
#D2C: I hear you. I am trying. Thank you so much for such a healthy response. I wish I had more people like you in my life right now. I guess the next step for me will be to sit down and draft a plan to live consciously. I need to learn to control my behaviour and reaction in every situation. I need to realize that in the end, I am the one hurting. I need to develop a "carpe diem" attitude. Time after all does not wait for anyone - why should it wait for me to 'fix' myself up? It's swim or sink situations and hopefully I will not let my fear of getting cut keep me from handing a knife (so to speak).

Thank you Babayada for a passionate, frank and clear response. I truly appreciate it. You have been VERY helpful indeed.

Baby steps to fulfillment!