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How do you know you are failing at relationships? ....
>How do you know you are failing at relationships?
#D2C: Because every time I am enjoying someone's company, I do things that sabotage that relationship. Because people who are friends with me, form a strong bond with others and dump me as a friend (because of reason #1 generally).
>This is just a guess on my part, but it seems to me, D2C, that you decide that some things are big problems for you that need to be addressed before you can get on with life like a normal, average person. I think this is your big problem, actually.
#D2C: You are correct. I know it's about me and my distorted beliefs. But how do I get past that? I have been trying for years and cannot find a permanent way of lifting the veil of deceit, betrayal and pain. I manage to lift it long enough to get people to like me and then wham .... back to the mistrust.
>I think that if you just decided, "To hell with it. I am going to live my life and get what's coming to me regardless of these damned problems. To hell with them!" you'd be much better off.
#D2C: That is what I have been doing for the past ... oh 10 years or so. It is not working for me!
>Your problem isn't that you have problems. Your problem is that you're focusing on these problems unnecessarily when you can be just going out there and living life to the fullest you can give your current state. Maybe that isn't as fabulous as you'd like, but it's probably enough.
#D2C: Agree once again. This is exactly what I don't understand. I have reached milestones successfully in almost every area of my life but relationships. And when I talk of relationship, I don't mean with opposite sex. I don't have a single best friend. I have people I like. I have people I know. I have people I share common interest with but I don't have a single confidant. I don't have a single person in my life (apart from family of course) whom I can pick up the phone at the last minute and ask to spend time with – to do something fun - like movies, dinner or even shopping for clothes! I don’t have a single person I can call when I really need to talk – about great things that have happened to me or if I am feeling low. It all boils down to - I can only show "so much" of myself to the world, the rest of me is private and closed - closed because I don't ever want to feel the hurt again.
>People say they want honesty. People say they want openness. But they don't. They may want to know how you're feeling, in general, but they don't want the total truth. She doesn't want to know, for instance, that you've always thought her nose is really freaking ugly. She doesn't need to know. And you don't need to tell her.
#D2C: See, that's it! That is the problem then. Because to me a friend is someone you can share all your secrets with. Sure, someone who doesn’t say hurtful things like you are super stupid or ugly (for example) but rather someone who can tastefully tell you like it is (I guess this means you are my friend now !?) someone who does not judge you or label you but looks at the situation and tries to understand my point of view regardless of whether it is all in my head or whether it is a fact. Someone who can listen and then not blab about your problems to others. Someone whom you can trust 100% - to know that if I tell you something, it stays between you and me and no third person. I guess my definition of a "friend" is distorted.
>We're human. That's what it boils down to. Don't buy idealistic crap that will turn your life into a nightmare and make you doubt and judge yourself. You're flawed (and thank God for that, anyone that wasn't would be insufferable). We all are. Deal with it and live your life. If you have to live with others in all their glorious, annoying imperfection, they damn well should have to live with you and yours.
#D2C: Self esteem is something else that I am working on. I think I have made progress but perhaps, if I am honest, I should admit that poor self esteem is part of the problem and because of it, I end up sabotaging a good thing.
>Be kind. Control yourself. Be ethical, moral, and compassionate as you can without giving yourself hemorrhoids and chronic hypertension. And give yourself a break. You're human, not an ideal.
#D2C: I hear you. I am trying. Thank you so much for such a healthy response. I wish I had more people like you in my life right now. I guess the next step for me will be to sit down and draft a plan to live consciously. I need to learn to control my behaviour and reaction in every situation. I need to realize that in the end, I am the one hurting. I need to develop a "carpe diem" attitude. Time after all does not wait for anyone - why should it wait for me to 'fix' myself up? It's swim or sink situations and hopefully I will not let my fear of getting cut keep me from handing a knife (so to speak).
Thank you Babayada for a passionate, frank and clear response. I truly appreciate it. You have been VERY helpful indeed.
Baby steps to fulfillment!
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Joined: Dec 2006
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On why negativity seems quicker or more pronounced....
>>It isn't about the universe reacting to you. You make your decisions. You take your actions. You get your results. It's not so much a big thing as it is situation dependent. I'd take my focus and bring it down to the real world in the here and now, what I am doing, who I am talking to, what situation I am in, etc., and move away from the celestial stuff.
>>So, I'd say that it isn't about the universe responding quicker to negativity as much as you being very good at noticing and dwelling on negative things. And that's ok. Believe me, your so-called negative focus is not going to bring anything but normal, everyday stuff into your life.
#D2C: Basically we are back to my question. Why then, my negative thoughts deliver faster than the positive? If thoughts are thoughts and the universe doesn't care what I am asking for - and if I am making a conscious effort to dwell on the 90% positive and 10% negative, why does the 10% manifest faster than the 90%? I don't mean to upset anyone or insult anyone but if good is God and bad is the devil then it seems to me that the devil is pulling all strings to "buy my business" (so to speak).
Am I to believe that God is too busy? Or is the Universe running out of the goodness steam?
I don't dwell on the negative. Maybe ... hmmm.
Hmm… I am thinking …
Your response makes me wonder whether my fear holds more weight than my joy. Is it possible then, that because my fear comes from the pit of my heart that it is heard louder and clearer? (Does this make sense?). And because my joy is light and fluffy .. it flies away as soon as it is felt?
Maybe I need to spend time to analyze this possibility.
Thank you once again for giving me more to think about. You know, I think that is it! That because my fears are heartfelt they shoot farther up to the Source. God is the Universe and Universe is God. All prayers are answered - it all depends on the intensity in which I shoot my arrow to the bull's eye.
Something definitely to think about ..
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Joined: Apr 2002
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Pain feels more real. It's more reliable, in a sense. It tends to feel like it has more weight because we're predisposed to pay attention to it... for survival.
Keep in mind that your mind naturally distorts things. So, if everything looks like crap, you're probably distorting. If everything looks totally peachy, you're probably distorting.
Try not to sum up everything in one judgement about it being bad or good. Who knows what it is? What is important is that you accept what is (whatever that is for you right now) and direct your energy toward what you want. Focus on what feeds your soul, what enriches your life. And if you find yourself worrying, that's ok. Just direct your focus again.
It's not about figuring out what reality is or isn't in terms of absolutes, it's about feeding your soul. See, if you are interested and seeking out what feeds your soul, it doesn't matter if reality sucks or not or if pain has more gravitas than happiness. You choose what you want to focus on based on what is important to you. And if you focus on what feeds your soul, you'll always be giving yourself strength. And strength is good whether reality sucks or whether it's a bowl of cherries.
In reading your replies, I see what I think is idealism. I think you are weighing yourself and your performance against ideals. Sometimes that is good in that it can make you keep improving, but sometimes it's bad in that it the ideals can never be achieved, and this can be frustrating and dispiriting. It can also drive you a little nuts.
Get earthy. Exercise letting go and just enjoying yourself, seeing what life and people (including yourself) have to offer. And be careful about being idealistic about doing this. Lower your standards some as an experiment and see if that doesn't lead to a more enjoyable and productive experience.
People suck. They gossip. They let you down. Even the best people do this. It's because we're flawed. Nothing is 100%. Friendships and relationships are often about tolerances. You learn about people, you learn their flaws and foibles as well as their charms and virtues. Sometimes their vices are more fun and interesting than their virtues. But you learn about them and you learn about yourself. How much can you enjoy? How much can you tolerate?
A good friendship involves a person whose flaws you can tolerate and whose charms you enjoy and who can tolerate and appreciate you as well.
And don't be so hard on yourself. Good, lasting friendships are very, very rare.
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Joined: Mar 2004
Posts: 7,089 Likes: 1
Learning Strategies Admin Member
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Learning Strategies Admin Member
Joined: Mar 2004
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D2C... I suggest you work with the Positive Relationship Paraliminal if you have it and the New History Generator. Self talk can make or break you in any area of your life.
Be careful too of focusing too hard and too much on what you don't like that you forget to see in your minds eye what you do want.
Often people tell coaches I don't like this and I don't want that in my life and the coach asks what do you want instead? They don't have an answer. Because they only see what they don't want. Write down what you do want... and be careful of all or nothing thinking. I don't believe it's 100% true that you sabotage every relationship you have.
Alex
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Joined: Dec 2006
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Posts: 136 |
Alex,
Are you suggesting that I should listen to New History Generator, session A followed by Positive Relationship INSTEAD OF prosperity and then again in the evening listen to session B of New History Generator?
It is soooo hard to focus on only that, that I want but I am positive that by now over 80% of my thoughts are geared towards the wants than don't wants. But I will try your suggestion.
I can't explain why I don't have any real friends. Sabotaging the relationship is the only explanation I have. I do things that upset people. I do things maybe because I have low self esteem. Low self esteem stems from betrayal of trust I experience 14 years ago. That negative memory is still hovering within every cell of my body. Hence, my conclusion.
I just need to find a way - a permanent way to get rid of that negative memory - because it looks like I am just not able to get any further with it being still so fresh in my mind. I hope this works. I will substitute prosperity for positive relationships.
Thanks! Will keep you posted.
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Joined: Dec 2006
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Joined: Dec 2006
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Dear Decision2change,
What you need to do is to experience the other person fully. Do not try to change them, stop judging and being critical and start to experience them. Step back and watch them like a movie and then you will start to know how to respond.
When you start doing this - accepting the person as they are, no longer being judgmental and critical, your perceptions will change and you will feel happier.
It costs nothing to try - it is simple , practical and it works!
Love and light
Faune
Hi Faune, thanks and I agree - I cannot change other people.
My problem is not that I don't appreciate qualities in other people. My problem is that I do - then I like them more, and I get scared - then I end up doing things that messes up the relationship. The fault totally lies within me. It's a constant working progress!
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Joined: Dec 2006
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Joined: Dec 2006
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Quote:
Pain feels more real. It's more reliable, in a sense. It tends to feel like it has more weight because we're predisposed to pay attention to it... for survival.
.....
>>Try not to sum up everything in one judgment about it being bad or good. Who knows what it is? What is important is that you accept what is (whatever that is for you right now) and direct your energy toward what you want. Focus on what feeds your soul, what enriches your life. And if you find yourself worrying, that's ok. Just direct your focus again.
#D2C: Babayada, I totally am in agreement with your advise to not fight that, what is. I believe in that 100% and try to consciously accept what is. Yet …
>>It's not about figuring out what reality is or isn't in terms of absolutes, it's about feeding your soul. See, if you are interested and seeking out what feeds your soul, it doesn't matter if reality sucks or not or if pain has more gravitas than happiness. You choose what you want to focus on based on what is important to you. And if you focus on what feeds your soul, you'll always be giving yourself strength. And strength is good whether reality sucks or whether it's a bowl of cherries.
#D2C: What do you mean “feed the soul” – I’d be interest in hearing your thoughts on this. I thought that when I was meditating, I was feeding my soul. Then I got spooked with all the whispers I was hearing so I stopped. How else, apart from religion and meditation can I feed my soul? I am sorry for so many questions but I would really to make myself fully aware of what pushes me off track.
>>Get earthy. Exercise letting go and just enjoying yourself, seeing what life and people (including yourself) have to offer. And be careful about being idealistic about doing this. Lower your standards some as an experiment and see if that doesn't lead to a more enjoyable and productive experience.
#D2C: Babayada I think you hit a note here. My heart skipped 5 beats when I read “lower your standards” that is so – what I am NOT going to do. It has taken me 14 years to consistently raise the bar of expectations – I am not going to settle for less. Maybe, you are right – maybe it is the ideals that are leaving me dissatisfied but I swear I will live like this for 14 more years than lower my desires and expectations. I have gone through too much crap in life to not expect a damn sight more than what has been handed down to me thus far. I see people who murdered my dreams and hopes excel (this what I mean when I write why does the negative, the devil or the evil win over the good or God!). I can never be happy with just settling. I know what I want. I know I deserve it. I know I am worth it. I’d rather spend 20 next years believing that I put forth a tall order for even God or Universe to deliver than to settle for an ounce of that, what I think is “less”. I guess this will tell you how passionately I feel about this. Some might call it stubborn but I just won’t settle for less. Non negotiable!
>>People suck. They gossip. They let you down. Even the best people do this. It's because we're flawed. Nothing is 100%. Friendships and relationships are often about tolerances. You learn about people, you learn their flaws and foibles as well as their charms and virtues. Sometimes their vices are more fun and interesting than their virtues. But you learn about them and you learn about yourself. How much can you enjoy? How much can you tolerate?
#D2C: I agree – friendship and relationships are about sensitivity and tolerances. One of the reason why I will more often than not accept blame. I will blame me than blame others because I don’t know where they are coming from. And in my blaming me, maybe, that weakens my self esteem. I used to be someone who was sure of myself. Today, I have so much negative programming that it is hard for me to differentiate whether it is self inflicted or inherited from one of my many foe admirers. Today, I have retreated into a shell. Sometimes I wonder if I am turning into an old bitter woman. Honestly, before I was known for my bubbly personality and bright smile. People used to say to me “you always have a smile on your face” “your eyes are sparkling radiance”. And now, all I hear is “are you grumpy!” (sob* sob*).
How much can I tolerate? A lot actually, except betrayal of trust. You do that to me once and you are out of my life. What I don’t understand is why people feel they can rip me apart that way. And they do. Still, I take the blame saying I must have done something to make them think their action would be okay with me. Then I chase the train of negative thoughts … It is only perhaps 20% of the time but for whatever reason, this 20% leaves a stronger after taste/effect than the 80% good I did or experienced through the day.
I am hoping Alex’s suggestion will work. Will try it for the rest of the week and assess further next week.
Thank you once again for your thoughts and helping me parse the issue. It is only with the help of all of you that I will be able to reach some kind of clear picture that will tell me where I am truly at (not distorted by my own opinions but derived from the collective) and where I need to focus going forward.
Cheers friends!
D2C
Last edited by decision2change; 07/25/07 02:54 PM.
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Dear D2C,
Please take the time to read or listen to the Near death Experience of Anita M
I posted the link on Beyond Human forum. It really covers everything you discuss here including negativity.
Babayada gives great advice, but is grounded in this reality which thrives on negativity and bad news. You seem to want more and I agree with you there is more and you can find it.
love and light
Faune
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Joined: Mar 2004
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Learning Strategies Admin Member
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Learning Strategies Admin Member
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Quote:
I just need to find a way - a permanent way to get rid of that negative memory - because it looks like I am just not able to get any further with it being still so fresh in my mind. I hope this works. I will substitute prosperity for positive relationships.
Why?
I don't even think that's a good idea. You developed skills from the experience. Doesn't mean they are the only ones you're permitted to use.
That which you try to reject must persist, only through acceptance can will you find release. It will still be there. It has to be.
Look at what you've said about how you treat others. You don't want them treating you like that so you get in first?
Yes, use Positive Relationship for a while and see what happens.
Alex
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Joined: Apr 2002
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Feeding your soul can be eating a good hamburger. It can be laughing at a joke. It can be hearing a song you really like. It can be dancing. It could be getting a really good massage. Or it could be solving a math problem.
Feeding your soul is doing whatever makes you feel that life is worthwhile, that being alive is good, that there is a reliable goodness in the world from which you can draw strength.
I'd reconsider being so adamant about not lowering standards. There are some areas where it is good to have high standards, but high standards can also be a formula for misery. If your standard is an ideal, life can be torture.
If you look at work done on the subject of happiness, you'll find that the happiest people live in countries where their expectations are both modest and realistic. In America, we're trained to have a rockstar or Hollywood outlook. We're supposed to judge ourselves against people who are artificially attractive and lead unrealistic lifestyles. It serves to make us very unhappy people.
I'd give up on caring about self-esteem and various psychological issues and put my attention elsewhere. Focus on doing things that feed your soul and not so much on how you are doing them properly or improperly, how you are thinking and feeling, or whether or not your self-esteem is high. Just let that stuff go and live your life.
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