Quote:

Pain feels more real. It's more reliable, in a sense. It tends to feel like it has more weight because we're predisposed to pay attention to it... for survival.
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>>Try not to sum up everything in one judgment about it being bad or good. Who knows what it is? What is important is that you accept what is (whatever that is for you right now) and direct your energy toward what you want. Focus on what feeds your soul, what enriches your life. And if you find yourself worrying, that's ok. Just direct your focus again.
#D2C: Babayada, I totally am in agreement with your advise to not fight that, what is. I believe in that 100% and try to consciously accept what is. Yet …


>>It's not about figuring out what reality is or isn't in terms of absolutes, it's about feeding your soul. See, if you are interested and seeking out what feeds your soul, it doesn't matter if reality sucks or not or if pain has more gravitas than happiness. You choose what you want to focus on based on what is important to you. And if you focus on what feeds your soul, you'll always be giving yourself strength. And strength is good whether reality sucks or whether it's a bowl of cherries.
#D2C: What do you mean “feed the soul” – I’d be interest in hearing your thoughts on this. I thought that when I was meditating, I was feeding my soul. Then I got spooked with all the whispers I was hearing so I stopped. How else, apart from religion and meditation can I feed my soul? I am sorry for so many questions but I would really to make myself fully aware of what pushes me off track.

>>Get earthy. Exercise letting go and just enjoying yourself, seeing what life and people (including yourself) have to offer. And be careful about being idealistic about doing this. Lower your standards some as an experiment and see if that doesn't lead to a more enjoyable and productive experience.
#D2C: Babayada I think you hit a note here. My heart skipped 5 beats when I read “lower your standards” that is so – what I am NOT going to do. It has taken me 14 years to consistently raise the bar of expectations – I am not going to settle for less. Maybe, you are right – maybe it is the ideals that are leaving me dissatisfied but I swear I will live like this for 14 more years than lower my desires and expectations. I have gone through too much crap in life to not expect a damn sight more than what has been handed down to me thus far. I see people who murdered my dreams and hopes excel (this what I mean when I write why does the negative, the devil or the evil win over the good or God!). I can never be happy with just settling. I know what I want. I know I deserve it. I know I am worth it. I’d rather spend 20 next years believing that I put forth a tall order for even God or Universe to deliver than to settle for an ounce of that, what I think is “less”. I guess this will tell you how passionately I feel about this. Some might call it stubborn but I just won’t settle for less. Non negotiable!

>>People suck. They gossip. They let you down. Even the best people do this. It's because we're flawed. Nothing is 100%. Friendships and relationships are often about tolerances. You learn about people, you learn their flaws and foibles as well as their charms and virtues. Sometimes their vices are more fun and interesting than their virtues. But you learn about them and you learn about yourself. How much can you enjoy? How much can you tolerate?
#D2C: I agree – friendship and relationships are about sensitivity and tolerances. One of the reason why I will more often than not accept blame. I will blame me than blame others because I don’t know where they are coming from. And in my blaming me, maybe, that weakens my self esteem. I used to be someone who was sure of myself. Today, I have so much negative programming that it is hard for me to differentiate whether it is self inflicted or inherited from one of my many foe admirers. Today, I have retreated into a shell. Sometimes I wonder if I am turning into an old bitter woman. Honestly, before I was known for my bubbly personality and bright smile. People used to say to me “you always have a smile on your face” “your eyes are sparkling radiance”. And now, all I hear is “are you grumpy!” (sob* sob*).

How much can I tolerate? A lot actually, except betrayal of trust. You do that to me once and you are out of my life. What I don’t understand is why people feel they can rip me apart that way. And they do. Still, I take the blame saying I must have done something to make them think their action would be okay with me. Then I chase the train of negative thoughts … It is only perhaps 20% of the time but for whatever reason, this 20% leaves a stronger after taste/effect than the 80% good I did or experienced through the day.

I am hoping Alex’s suggestion will work. Will try it for the rest of the week and assess further next week.
Thank you once again for your thoughts and helping me parse the issue. It is only with the help of all of you that I will be able to reach some kind of clear picture that will tell me where I am truly at (not distorted by my own opinions but derived from the collective) and where I need to focus going forward.

Cheers friends!
D2C


Last edited by decision2change; 07/25/07 02:54 PM.