In any case, I am some what better now. Basically I can stop the addictive behaviors now (marijuana, porn). My life is not such a mess. My relationships with family are cleaned up, money is better, I'm heading back to school to study psychology and just quit a job I didn't like. I even have a few real friends who are women for the first time. So this year is probably the first I wouldn't consider myself depressed. What still bugs me is the level of obsession about the issue. I still feel completely consumed by it. It's basically all I can think about. It's just better now because it's like I realized I have control over it all. I also know now I'm not ugly (at all!). My first real dates also happened this year. And I'm quite sure the main thing that stopped the relationship from developing was all of the garbage going on in my head about this. So now I know I'm not ugly, so what is the problem? I always think there's a problem. Now I feel like there's some invisible thing I am missing that would need to be there for a woman to be sexually attracted to me. Or even if they are, there's some universal conspiracy in place that mean I will never have sex. Karmic debt or something. I've gone so looney about this I've often wondered if I was a rapist or something or misused sex in a past life and now my soul never gets to experience it again as punishment, and always just has to feel the longing.
I see now though that the only thing blocking me is all in my head! I can then feel some optimism. I try to do affirmations, etc. I think they even work. But "it" is still there and can swallow me up and tears just well up in my eyes at times and it hurts soooo badly (like right now.... or a lot of times during a movie when any kind of romance scene happens.... or just randomly when I see a couple.... or just thinking about the past). I used to think it has gone on so long and attained such a density that it is unbeatable. Or what girl would ever want anything to do with a 25-year old virgin. I couldn't even tell someone I was a virgin without breaking down and crying because I thought it meant I was such a loser until a year or two ago. I know it isn't true but I think all that garbage is still operating in my mind.
(cont'd below)
