Markus,
I am sorry that you are suffering from confusion over your experience of loss.
Sometimes when we start doing a lot of personal growth, the people around us are not ready to grow with us in the same way. This can be difficult, because naturally we want our loved ones with us as we move forward. We have to accept and love them as they are. They also must learn to accept and love us as we change and grow. This doesn't always happen easily or quickly.
Keep your heart open to the good, for yourself and your family. It doesn't sound like you would want everything in your life back to the way it was. Perhaps you can imagine you and your family back together in a new way that is better for everyone, not in the old way.
Let your light keep shining.
All things good to you and yours.
