Hello Everyone,
I value you all too much not to share this weird experience with you. Perhaps some of you can relate to it? I am almost ashamed to write it - I know I would not be impressed if someone else posted this interlude with madness. Nonetheless it happened and if this is what it takes to get to where I want to be, then so be it!

For the past week or so I have been off track. By off track I mean I have tinkered about with all sorts of negative behaviours that I had thought to be in my past: a bit of compulsive eating, knowing what actions to take and not doing them, getting scared in case things go wrong = losing faith in myself.

But why such behaviour now, of all times? I searched my conscious mind for possible explanations. Was being asked to support ES forum members in a closer, more personal way causing me to Upper Limit (a Gay Hendricks concept whereby we can't handle joy/bliss so we self-destruct in order to bring everything down to usual levels)? Perhaps my dear neighbour who has terminal lung cancer going into hospital with heart-failure was hitting buttons? Or perhaps because I finally have TIME to grow and develop because I am on holiday - and thus I chose this golden opportunity to wreck everything and self-sabotage.

Over the past few days things have been unstable to say the least. I can't settle. I can't focus. I have time to do things and yet I fritter away valuable time. [At least I am refraining from my previous pattern of nit-picking, criticising and irritating those I love best, while I'm in a process of change (definitely my brand of Upper Limiting)].

Today really saw a turn for the worse. I went numb. I could not remember what personal dev. work I have been doing. I couldn't pick up the threads and continue because I could not remember what I have been doing. My mind was blank.

Now at 2 o'clock in the morning I have come alive again.

Now I understand what was going on.

My infinite intelligence or my unconscious mind (or both) knew I stood before an important step in my 'waking up' process: call that coming alive. Rather than embrace the next step, I sent myself into denial, blankness and numbness. A state of forgetfulness, not knowing.

How do I know this? Well, when I started reading Gay Hendrick's "The Big Leap" book I felt dizzy. I knew what I was reading was important and that it applied to me; yet when I looked I could only apply it to others, not myself. Over time this changed of course (because I fully intend to change in ways that serve me best) and phrases like Upper Limiting and Living in one's Genius Zone have now become household words!

Guess what was in the post today? Noah St. John's book "The Secret Code of Success". If ever I sought evidence of Infinite Intelligence, here it is. From the moment Stevers introduced the book I knew it was important for me. I ordered it immediately and thereafter tipped my scales into having to go unconscious (this is one coping mechanism that I hope to learn lots more about).

Suffice it to say this book is important. It puts one more piece of the puzzle into place. It touches on the contents of the unconscious mind (a place that fascinates me and I want to uncode as part of my unique vocation). It also explains why some of us struggle with ES at times (if I understand correctly on my first brief perusal of the book, not all of us are blessed with the right components to think/believe success).

Since beginning ES I have surprised myself at having to deal with negative issues (while being instructed to focus on the positive). That is kind of a conundrum isn't it? I invest in ES to achieve Effortless Success and what becomes clear to me? That I am struggling to cope with my ageing mother, that I am in the wrong job, that I am being called to travel to the US and associate with like-minded people just as I have decided that I am happy and blissful in France.

A part of me totally understands this duality/polarity issue. You can't have up without down. How would we know what ease and wealth is without knowing lack and limitation? My experience of backpain, fat and unfitness is a strong motivator towards health, fitness and having a body I love and respect. If all this is true (and it is), then it cannot be taboo to sometimes acknowledge and accept the negative. Without experiencing the negative, one cannot fully tap the boundaries of the positive.

So back to "The Secret Code of Success". Stevers will know fully what this is about, sorry if it mystifies those who haven't yet read it. I am about to disgorge the content of my negative pole - just so it becomes conscious. My aim is to enlighten by being honest - however it is negative stuff. So if you want to stay focused on the positive, stop reading here!

The most disempowering questions I hear in my head:
(unedited trash I admit! But I just want to expose/acknowledge that it is there)
1)Why does nothing work for me?
2)Why can't I find the right niche for me?
3) Why am I having so many negative experiences?
4) Why can't I have the perfect body? (my mother's belief)
5) Why am I so focused on the negative?
6) Why do people take what I have to give and then leave me jobless (can't phrase this well yet)?
7) Why am I living a life of compromise / mediocrity?
8) Why am I half dead?
9) Why is my life filled with stress, unfulfillment, lack in material, physical and emotional arenas?
10) Why have I put up with this for so long?
11) Why will "The Success Code" work for me?
12) Why am I so lethargic, depressed, fearful and expecting the worst?
13) Why am I choosing to be only half alive - I allow myself to fully experience pain yet I deny myself joy and love?

There now. This is my shadow side exposed.
I hope you are all suitably horrified!
Take care, adieu and good night,
French Claire