Forums IMPORTANT: PLEASE READ Paraliminals, Paraliminal Resets, Paraliminal Walkabouts, Natural Brilliance, Sonic Access Fear: Talking to girls. What can I do?

Alex is right on the money about the anxiety and sales Paraliminals. That's the first thing that came to my mind, as well. However, I have to say that I was especially excited by 4space's suggestion! Dancing lessons!

I realize you can already find your way around the dance floor, but I'm talking skill, here. There's a big difference between casual hip movement and real live-wire, spirit-inspiring, hard-driving, highly skillful dance. When a woman sees a man who exhibits an advanced degree of artistic, physical competence, she will automatically gravitate to him. It's just a given. Just like musicians getting girls, men who dance VERY WELL get girls, too.

In my opinion, it's also important to take the kind of dancing lessons that require you to physically hold another student/partner, such as ballroom or even Latin dancing. If you just go out and learn the coolest dance steps, there is no real interaction required between the students. But when you have to hold your partner, this allows you to get used to getting up close with a girl, and coordinating your moves with hers, in unison. And you're more apt to meet and make a female friend this way, who might possibly like you for more than just a friend, because she has been given the opportunity to get to know you, by dancing with you in a dance class.

Let me tell you, NokPhill, from a woman's experience, what I've seen. When I've been to dance clubs, believe it or not, even the "good-looking" guys were usually somewhat inhibited about asking a girl to dance. I could tell that they were nervous, by the way they would ask me, and how they would react if I said "no thank you, not right now". But then there were the shorter, average to homely looking ones who would be beaming and bursting with confidence and a great sense of humor, and just would NOT let me alone! No matter how fervent my "no" was! So I would usually give in, and have a great time with them.

I don't know what you look like, but it really doesn't matter that much, as long as you make the best of what you have, by accentuating your assets. (Okay, you know what I mean! ) Self-confidence without egotism, and a casual healthy sense of humor are real turn-on's. Build your self-confidence like a body-builder builds his muscles. Use a little exposure therapy, by putting yourself on the front lines and getting turned down so many times, that it doesn't bother you anymore. In fact, be excited about getting rejected, so that you can get to the next one as fast as possible, because the more "no's" you get past, the sooner you'll get to that "yes"! Just like in sales, it's a numbers game.

The best way to start is by role playing or rehearsing. Simply arrange for female relatives or friends, in the spirit of fun, to intentionally turn you down as you pretend to ask them to dance (or go out), so that you will become desensitized to their refusals. Practice on them, because their no's aren't really much of a threat, anyway. Then work your way up to the real thing, and practice, practice, practice.

Okay, I understand there is a stumbling block with conversation. Well, I've been there, I know exactly how it feels. Let me tell you several ways you can cure that problem.

First, if you have the bucks, I would recommend taking the Dale Carnegie Course. I took it back in 1982, and it opened me up, big time. It's hands-on, person-to-person, and group participation, that get those butterflies in your stomach flying in formation. They show you how, and MAKE you learn how to carry on a conversation with others, and speak casually in front of a group, and provide you with lots of practical advice. The thing is, NokPhill, you can learn by studying, you can learn by listening, but nothing beats doing it with expert coaches guiding you, and everyone cheering you on, the whole way. If you can swing it financially, you'll be grateful that you did. It's something you'll never forget and will always appreciate having done. It's also a big plus on a job resume. But if you can't afford it yet, that's okay, because you can always buy the books.

Then, after you get the books, march over to your local Toastmasters Club and join up. Everyone helps and supports each other in their quest for gaining confidence and skill with public speaking, human relations, and personal effectiveness. And it's a great way to MEET WOMEN!

Have you ever heard of Zig Ziglar? I have a tape of his that I've started listening to, called "Success and the Self-Image". He has excellent step-by-step, real-life instructions on what you can actually do that will improve your self-image.

Also, to be perfectly blunt, as a woman I do not wish to hold a conversation with a man who won't talk to me the same way he would with one of his own friends. In other words, I want a guy to be able to still appreciate, yet be able to look past the feminine mystique, and see me as a human being with a mind and as well as a heart, and other things. And whatever you do, please don't try to think up any artificial "pick-up" lines. Just be REAL and as natural as you possibly can. This is why it pays for a man to have female friends, or lots of sisters, so that you are used to seeing them as ordinary people, without the sex part blinding the brain and putting you in a *TILT* mode.

Merlin, who is very wise, said it well: [QUOTE]Here is a frame of mind for you when you want to talk to a woman. "I just want to make her smile." If you make this your frame instead of "How do I seduce her?", talking suddenly becomes easier, because the pressure is off. Also, talk to all women. Young, old, ugly, beautiful... don't single out just a select group to talk to, talk to them all.[QUOTE]

Is that cool, or what?

Oh, one more thing about dancing. Have you ever known anyone who dances skillfully and wholeheartedly, who suffers from depression? There's something almost magical about it. This is the kind of dancing changes a mood, almost instantly and sometimes dramatically. I recall a story that I heard one time, about "The Tarantella Dance". In English, it's translated as "Tarantula Spider". There are several versions, but the one I'm familiar with was when a traveling Gypsy would accidentally be bitten by a poisonous spider, he would dance so feverishly, for so long, that the venom would be eliminated by the body's highly-intensified metabolism and profuse sweating. Likewise, since depression is a mental poison, it only makes sense that dancing with a sense of complete abandon would help to flush it out, and clear the mind for better thinking.

I promise you, when you've learned how to think and speak more clearly on your feet in front of a group, and your body's pumped up with a phenomenal dance workout, you will become one of the most popular guys in town, and never again will you have a problem getting a woman's attention. And while your bar-room buddies are filling themselves with beer and liquor for courage and calling it "fun", you'll be fit as a finely-tuned violin and making music with the women.

IMPORTANT NOTE: I used to be a bartender and club manager for about 18 years, and I learned the hard way that most relationships that begin in nightclub, end in a nightclub. And the cycle is perpetual, because it's "easy-pickin's". Plus most people who frequent such places are alcoholics, or fast on the road to becoming one. My advice here, is to by all means, go there and have fun, and dance to your heart's delight. But keep your "good judge of character" antennas up and exercise restraint, because you want things to be right.

[This message has been edited by SHEANIMA (edited September 13, 2004).]