Hi SonicOne,
I also had a childhood that haunts me. Try 10 to 40 minutes of Spring Forest Qigong for just feeling better. 10 Minute Supercharger can also give you a boost when you’re down and don’t have much time.
Avoiding spiraling down into depression and apathy often comes down to refusing to get too down. One helpful exercise when I start getting down on myself is to visualize a stop sign and then say “Stop!”, either in my mind or out loud. I keep saying it until it gets boring, and then I go on to something else. This usually works with feelings of being putupon too. Another thing is the oldie-but-goodie: get some exercise. A walk around the block is can work the proverbial wonders. (Try to go outside if you can. It makes a big difference.) Deep breathing is helpful, especially if on every exhale, you imagine yourself breathing out black smoke or some other substance that it feels really great to get rid of.
As for paraliminals, I've found that Instantaneous Personal Magnetism ("IPM") has been very helpful when I’m dealing with grief and the “what’s the use” apathy that can come with it, not because IPM is a way to escape, but because it lifts me up and thus helps me gain perspective when a memory has dragged me down into that black dungeon. (When I first started doing this work years ago, I had nightmares of myself in chains and rags being led down slimy stone steps into darkness by my therapist. Believe me, I know the drill.)
If I have time to do a paraliminal, and I feel really, really awful from some of the work, I’ll go to a large mirror and literally take a good look at myself. Instead of saying to myself, “You look awful!” I'll pick one aspect of my image that I want to change (my posture, the look in my eyes, how I move, etc.). Then I follow the instructions in the IPM booklet: I pick a role model who projects the image I would like to project in that area, and then run the recording. It’s amazing how quickly it gets me out of the dumps! Once I’ve cheered up a little, I’m better able to deal with whatever memory it was that made me so sad.
Lest all this sounds a bit superficial, please know that I’m not saying you should try to avoid grieving; I’ve learned from hard experience that doesn’t work in the long run. But if you find yourself so down that your life is one long pain, using IPM a time or two a week can really help you gain perspective. You can't order yourself to feel things you don't; you can, however, practice thinking things you don't usually think, and with that, your feelings will gradually change. At bottom, I think that's what paraliminals are all about.
Counseling is also always an option.
I recommend the book “Depression” by Cheri Huber, first recommended to me by a counselor. Appropriately, it has a black cover and it’s parts of it are pretty funny. Don’t be deceived by it’s simplicity or its humor, though. It is far from simplistic or superficial. I recommended Ms. Huber’s book “How to Get From Where You Are To Where You Want To Be” in another post, and I think you would get a good deal out of that, too. The author went through serious depression herself, and her story is remarkable.
As for the two-steps-forward-one-step-back process you mention, well, that’s just the way it is, I’m sorry to say, but it doesn't mean you have to spiral downward or walk in that vicious circle. Concentrate on the progress you make: I’ve heard the “let it go” refrain, too: it’s like hearing Martian, right? What does THAT mean? But if you keep lifting yourself up with the types of things recommended in these posts and the steps you’ve already started taking, eventually you’ll discover that you’ve crossed a huge amount of ground. It really can get easier if you keep at it, and you’ll discover that without realizing it, you’ve let a lot of stuff go. By the way, for me, “let it go” has always occurred that way. There’s never been an epiphany where I feel like I’ve dropped a huge weight or that life has become only strides in the sunshine. Maybe you’re like that too.
Sorry this is so long – no time to edit!
Good luck, and blessings on you!