I've been using Paraliminals and home study courses since 1991.One area that's been hit and miss for me is relationships.I know I cannot control what another person does because it takes more than one in any given relationship.What I'd like to know is there anyone on the forum who has had success in restoring a relationship using this work?

"Don't ever call me , don't email me, and I hope this will be our last interaction." That's the last thing they said to me last year.

Those words ring in my head a lot.Has anyone had a degree of success for this to become otherwise?
Please don't respond with the typical "cut your losses" answer.I am asking for those who have had success in this specific area.Thanks so much.
I think you need to look into what caused the break-up of your relationship. Maybe you can use New Options Generator, New Behavior Generator or Break the Habit.
Thanks for your reply.Have you ever had success in restoring a relationship of any kind, whether it be friendship, a potential for friendship, romantic, or what have you?
What I am most open to is seeing a post from someone who has had success after accepting the fact of what I posted earlier, and where they went from there.

I appreciate you taking the time to read my post.
In romantic relationships, once it was over, I just moved on. I have remained friends with some women, but nothing close. I feel that broken relationships leave many unresolved emotions so I prefer to move on. The close friendship could rekindle the old problems and feelings.
Well, unique thanks so much for taking the time to dialogue with me.In this particular case I am not talking about a romantic relationship; I am talking specifically about restoring something where miscommunication occurred and the result went sort of extreme. In my life I have "moved on", but I also stand for something different this time around.If I continue to just "move on,"perhaps I am simply repeating the same old.And I don't know if it will do to just say "I'll do better next time," because with human beings it's different-not interchangeable like other situations or opportunities in life.I guess it depends on what I make it mean, ultimately.But I just wanted to offer you a sincere thanks, and would love to share other ideas about our Paraliminals to try returning the kindness you've shown me.
You are write that we repeat our patterns until we get rid of them by releasing them emotionally. Maybe then Break the Habit would be the best option to get started with. Make sure you analyse your situation before you start your session with the Paraliminal. Also you need to remember that it takes about 30 days to build a new habit. So you need to work on your problem steadily. Best of luck!
This is going to sound touchy-feely and New Age, but I'm going to say it anyway...

Amazing things can happen when you just accept what is; I mean REALLY accept it. Yes, this is easier said than done, and no, I am no expert at it, but on the occasions when I have really let go, I have seen things resolve themselves.

For sure, you are resisiting what is, and that is more likely than not, keeping the person away. I know it's hard and counter-intuitive, but finding a way to release this is the best way to go in my opinion. That way, either the situation will resolve itself by the person coming back, or you will see that you aren't really bothered anyway.

Do you know of The Sedona Method? You can get it in book format and it's not really expensive. Another good technique is Chris Payne's Complete Acceptance Process, but it's a bit like Sedona from a different angle.

Good luck with it all!
Hi.I've accepted what is. I haven't lived my life any other way.I don't think what you're saying is new age-y or touchy feely.I just think we may be confused as to what acceptance actually is.I fully accept what is with this person,but acceptance is not resignation,is it?If that's all it is, then why are we even on this forum?I can step on a scale and accept my body and love it just the way it is at any given moment.If I am overweight, should I just accept that?Or if it can be different; make a stand to commit to making changes?I feel in this case the issue lies with me,and my way of beingness.It's the biggest challenge to make a breakthrough in this area that I have ever faced to date.I don't think that accepting something and still being bothered by it are mutually exclusive.There is a dangerous line in accepting what is, and making that mean that it could NOT be any other way.In the moment you accept you DO recognize what is;and your choice is to decide whether or not you're standing for the possibility of a breakthrough, or something better.Thanks for your response.
This is a very interesting discussion.
For what it is worth, here is my pound's worth:
I was the one to walk away, never wanting to see the man again (it was a futile, hurtful relationship with no romance whatsoever), and I genuinely felt my heart was broken.
I left him, spent 6 weeks away on work trips. He collected me at the airport and to cut a long story short, once he had overcome my considerable resistance, we married and produced two children, and over 20 years later we are still together.
We are total opposites in every way, and that makes for a lively, interesting, worth-working-for relationship and we are committed to making it work.

Regarding your person who wants out and to be totally, completely free of you. I can understand your wanting to understand what happened and the motivation behind it. You are willing to learn from previous mistakes. Why not go quiet and genuinely ask your True Self a few questions. Stay open for the answers and accept whatever you get, no matter how it comes. Ask questions like, a) What can you learn from this? b) Why did it happen? (people are not always clear or honest about their personal motives - maybe you did nothing untoward?) c) What do you personally need to do in order to let go and move on gratefully/gracefully? d) You seem stuck in the past with this issue, ask yourself how to move into the present.
Good luck and here is to genuine growth with no holds barred. I really hope you get to the bottom of it and can move forward in total self-acceptance and freedom.
Adieu, French Claire
Hi again Really,
I just had an insight. I recently read a book on Fear - the concept being that fear is essential, not to be shied away from, but a very important signal that all is not well. Listening to fear has saved people's lives because they got out of tricky situations on time.

How does this relate to your experience? Well, in the book the author/researcher brings people through terrifying ordeals (such as rape or attempted murder) and he helps his 'client' remember 'fear signals' that all is not well.

In your posting you seem to indicate that your situation with this person did not come out of the blue. There was a history of....? deteriorating communication.... previous conflict.... what exactly? I think you should see the 'slamming of the doors' by this person as the final act. Your solution to understanding what went wrong lies in earlier episodes.

Good luck. Those who genuinely seek will find. Let us know when you find it.
French Claire
Hi:
Thanks for your response.The two of us had a good working relationship with the possibility of friendship(not romance).I like your suggestion about asking the true self.
You actually have been the only one so far to answer my question directly.I asked simply "Has anyone ever had success with restoring a relationship?"What I got was basically people trying to analyze and advise rather than answer that question.I may be stuck in the past, and I may not be, the point was seeking an answer to the question.Now, as far as I know, we parted on good terms, and when I phoned back after a couple of years, our conversation started off okay.Haven't you ever said something that may have been taken the wrong way?It was like that.Not something that had been building; we had no contact for a couple years.So maybe it was the final act, and maybe not but I was simply looking for an answer from the forum.I accept what she said and keep on living-that doesn't mean I am not open to us at least having a better understanding of each other.Anyway, thanks to all who have responded.
Hi Really

By posting a question such as that on a forum such as this, I guess people also thought you were implying you wanted help with a situation. You're also likely to get a lot of New Agey answers because that's where a lot of people are coming from.

I have tried to write a follow-up answer twice now, and ended up not posting it, because it sounded New Agey and analytical. I'm glad I didn't post it now, because it would only have irritated you. I didn't realise you wanted such a direct, yet simple answer, so here goes:

Have I ever had success restoring a relationship?

Yes!
Thank you Inchiki:
And if that's so, did you employ any of the Paraliminals, or did you employ the ideas about letting go and accepting what "IS" in order to have this occur in your life?That's more of what I was hoping for.I would call myself more of a practical person rather than a philosophical one in nature.Please know that I feel everyone who responded contributed something, it's just that I felt a little as if my question was being ignored in favor of telling me things that are mainly esoteric.It would be like if someone posted:"Has anyone ever had success w/Paraliminals in taking off weight?" and I responded by giving all but a direct answer-and then the "how" or "details."
I take help and contribution anywhere I can get it, believe me, and I'll give and contribute in any way I can to others.I was just hoping to clarify the direction I was going in.You did so, and thank you once again.Now I don't feel so alone.
Aha! So you do want more than a yes or no. \:\/

No, it was before I got into all this self help nonsense. I was being an arse and I had a bust up with my best friend. I approached him a few months later and ate humble pie. I still feel embarrased about my foolishness even today, and this was 15 years ago, but it was my fault.

From a purely practical point of view then (seriously!) I wouldn't bother with the person. I could go into a long self-help spiel here, but I won't, except to say that you are only in control of what you can directly influence. If your happiness depends on someone else, which in this case it does, to some extent, then you're fighting a difficult battle. I honestly wouldn't bother. This person has said she doesn't want you in her life. Again, from a practical, perspective and if we were having afrank conversation over a couple of beers in a pub, I'd say 'Take a hint and move on'.

If you insist on trying still, then I would definitely get your hands on the Sedona Method book and work through it, because, if you don't mind my saying so, I feel the only way you're going to get a reconciliation you want is by working this through on the non-local plane. I'd also recommend Natural Brilliance for its power to collapse the 4 quadrants of a problem, and the 'Fresh Start' Paraliminal that I recently just acquired and really enjoy. OK, don't get all arsey on me for saying this, but you may also have an esteem issue. They are very common actually. For this I recommend Paul McKenna's 'Instant Confidence'.

Success in much of self-help ends up being a paradox.

I once had a friend who treated me really badly, and it hurt like hell. I mean utterly gutted here. If I am honest I think I had some romantic feelings towards her, but she really betrayed me in my eyes. I knew nothing romantic was on eth cards and the betrayal had nothing to do with that anyway. This was also before I became a self-help junkie. I took a day out of uni and took the metro to the last stop on the line, just to see where it would take me. I ended up at a weird round library with individual study rooms. I went into one of those rooms and just let myself agonise and agonise.and you know what? After a few hours, it all just subsided. The mist cleared, and I just wasn't bothered anymore. I was in a new country with a new start to that part of my life, and I had decided to enjoy my time with new friend and new things. I didn't realise it at the time, but what I had done was to go through a massive release. I was happy and I didn't care. I just accepted what was, as I know it now.

Guess what? It can't have been two days later this 'friend' was calling me up all smiles and how it was before - I kidd you not! She had an alterior motive, and wanted her emotional tampon back, and more the fool me, I didn't send her packing. I was more wary this time round, and we ended up not friend in the end, but that was for another reason and frankly, inevitable. But it's as I said - amazing things do happen when you release on them.

And by release and acceptance andnot caring I don't mean 'I don't care, she can get out of my life' because that's a cry for help and a denial because you want the opposite of that. What I mean is a feeling that you are as you are and that person can be as he or she is, and it's all perfectly OK, just as it is.

So there you go: practical = forget it and move on; weird and spiritual = send out love to that person and go for acceptance. What's it to be?

Stick around. This self-help stuff can be a lot of fun!

Peace, love, joy and a bloody big spliff!

IG
Good answer, Inchiki Gaijin !!!!!
Dear IG,
Thank you for that inspirational and honest contribution. I could really relate to all of it (except the spliff comment).

I read your comment regarding the either/or decision with especial interest. When I read it I agreed, the two options are either to move on and forget it OR to go metaphysical/introspective and forgive /let go /send out love.

Out I went for my daily walk and session with Jack Canfield on my iPod. Guess what. Exactly this either/or topic came up. He discussed the belief that there is a dichotomy, either take one course of action, or the other. No, no, no, there is another route too. You can do both.

So, Really (if you are still reading this and don't feel lectured to death yet), you can probably satisfy all your needs. You can release and let go until you overcome the need for a specific outcome. Then you can start to play with the issue. You could contact the person and find out all about it. Why did they do it? What caused the strong reaction? If they tell you, you satisfy the need to understand. If they reject you further, well you are back where you started and can decide from there what is right/best for you.

Happy best outcomes.
Adieu,
French Claire
Yes, but people who are not into personal development play the same game over and over again, as IG explained. So, unless this other person has undergone a strong emotional shift, then it's better to let go and move on.
Wow, tons of response here.Thanks again. The "yes or no" request was more to get to the more detailed answer you laid out, IG.
The choices may be clear in this case between forgetting about it; or maybe even trying to find the person again and seeing if it merits a discussion; or maybe just taking an introspective look, and "letting go with love" no self esteem here; my happiness is not dependent upon another person.
So as I said from last time, you all have shared and I have seen a couple of cases where you did end up speaking with the people in question again.So there's nothing wrong with being open to that happening in my life.As I stated from the open, I have been using Paraliminals for about 18 years and I know they work; but this was the biggest challenge yet for me.I knew there was emotional maturity and growth involved here however it may have played out in order to learn something.
Anyway, it will turn out however it does; and if I do nothing-it is what it is.Thanks for all of the suggestions, and if nothing else I like to see a forum coming alive and speaking with others on Paul Scheele's programs.
 Quote:
You could contact the person and find out all about it. Why did they do it? What caused the strong reaction? If they tell you, you satisfy the need to understand. If they reject you further, well you are back where you started and can decide from there what is right/best for you.


I disagree with this. In the first situation I quoted above, neither of us really wanted to break friends, and the break was made by ME, so it was up to me to broker a reconciliation.

In this case (and Really, I apologise if I sound like I'm talking across you here as though you aren't there), the other person has stated clearly that she wants nothing more to do with him. Going to her and asking questions may now come across as intimidation, and even stalking! Really would be acting against this person's clearly expressed wishes, so, in my opinion, it is going to cause even more problems. Far better to walk away! I have some experience of this myself, and I can state without a shadow of a doubt, that I did not improve my situation by looking for those answers.

Furthermore, what if Really receives answers he doesn't like? I believe he has an esteem issue, or he wouldn't be seeking this reconciliation in the first place. He would be satisfied within himself and accept this action as the other person's issue; the other person's 'problem' rather than his own. If he gets a hurtful response, he may take it personally, and this may engender even more hurt and resentment and even self-loathing. Is he personally enlightened enough to see this as the other person's problem? Very few of us are. I'm not yet, so don't think I've got this down. And then, this is assuming this person is also enlightened enough to see the questions for what they are, rather than something oppressive.

Personally, I would walk away. I can't understand why you'd want to associate with someone who held you in such low regard. There are plenty of people out there far more worth your energy than people who don't like you!
Woah. woah, woah. IG, I have to say something here. First off, I do not know where you get the idea that I have a self esteem issue just because of wanting to clear up a misunderstanding.You really have to understand the larger context before passing a judgment.
I haven't spoken with the person in almost a year, and it wasn't anything close to intimidation, or stalking, or anything remotely like that.We had a small spat.I knew the person for years before this, and we did well together.Now,I happen to know that this person had always held me in high regard and respected me, and my time, my profession, all around.I value your input, but I guess I have to say I don't think you're quite grasping the situation here.
Just because I may or may not like the so called answers I'd possibly receive doesn't preclude me from being open to all the possibilities.I don't know what may or may have happened in your personal dealings with others, but if you're going to read some of what I post and take that as gospel, then please refrain from also picking and choosing what you will of my posts to suit your own psycho analysis of me.That's not fair at all,and shouldn't be the spirit of our forum.I take a little exception to you stating I have some sort of self esteem issue.
Anyway, let's try to be more upbeat on here if possible.
I believe that women can hold in high esteem a man, but not intend to have a romance with him. I have fallen into this trap a few times. So I tend to avoid romance with women just on the basis they have a high opinion of me. Of course, if there is romance, then the high esteem will be there too.
Hi Really

First off, my posts were intended to help you, and I make no apology for any opinions given in the spirit of trying to help another.

As to esteem issues, most people have them! I know I do. You'd have to be way up the scale of self-realisation/enlightenment not to have them.

Secondly, if you had no esteem issues at all, you genuinely wouldn't care that your friend took the action she did, nor would you take exception, in any way, to what I wrote.

I will refrain from participating in this thread now, as you obviously want to hear certain things, and not others.

I wish you the best of luck in resolving your situation, and peace of mind.
IG, I am not asking you to apologize if you were responding in the true spirit of trying to be helpful.I just felt that you were ignoring me when I explained in this particular case, my self worth is not attached.I love myself for who I am.Of course in my life from time to time I have felt low self esteem; and beat myself up at times for my mistakes.I think we all do.My only point was that one can have have a high sense of self and still feel upset when a relationship goes sour.The relationships in my life are quite important to me whether personal or professional.I just thought you were making some assumptions that simply were not true.As I said, I value and respect what you were saying, but don't I have the right to speak to what is accurate in regard to how I feel? I don't think it's mutually exclusive for a person to have high self esteem and yet take exception to something perceived to be an inaccurate remark.That's all I had hoped to do.Please respond as you wish, and I want good will on the forum.I want anyone to respond to me who wishes to.I certainly don't bite; I tickle.
Thanks again, and hopefully no hard feelings?
That's sad. Though I haven't tried it to restore a relationship. Though I had a similar experience. And the exact same words were also sent to me. And it's not a nice feeling. Still trying to overcome it.
UPDATE-------TO ANYONE WHO MAY HAVE FOLLOWED THIS POST FROM THIS PAST SPRING........

I spoke with the person as of Thursday, December 17, 2009 and the situation was resolved.We seem to be on good terms again!

Thanks so much especially to those who remained optimistic.
Happy Holidays!
See the following posts below.The situation was resolved as of 12/17/09.Thanks for trying to help; as you only posted the best answer you knew how to give.
We are all happy this turnout to be like in a fairytale. Good luck for the future.
Not a fairytale;just simple communication and a belief that things could be better than they were left.I am not sure why you would think it was a fairytale; as it took a lot to want to re-connect.
The magic still happened, so there was a shift in energy from both sides.
Okay.I see how you may be using the term "magic." Certainly it took the other person to listen, to be there to even answer the phone.I thought that would have been a given.I was saying that to my way of thinking I had to shift my ontology.Thanks,
Even further update: Tuesday, December 14th, 2010.I ran into this person at a coffee shop, we hugged, and it seemed to be a pleasant-albeit brief conversation.I'd love input for enhancing this even more.Being open to the highest possible good for this!
Thanks to all who contributed.
I think that if they don't want you, you really need to get them out of your head. They are not the only people in the world. smile It would also help to analyse the various causes for this break up, collect the best of it, discard the rest, and move on.
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