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Hello fine folks,

I need some advise...

Since I became single about 2 years ago, after 5 years of marriage. I have been keeping a low profile and focusing on work etc. Now, I am looking to find a relationship, once more... but the problem is:

-- I have been out of dating game for so long that I feel quite inadequate at it. Even the idea of talking to an attractive woman, gives me weak knees )

-- At 36, I'm not sure what chances I have of finding an attractive person, who would also match my value system....

Do you guys know of any books/courses that can be helpful for me ? Any other advise in this regard would be very helpful.

Thanks,
AeB

Hi AeB:

A couple of things I picked up in your note:

1) the woman must be attractive .

2) you get weak in the knees talking to attractive women.

Which, in my estimation means either you don't have enough confidence yet to approach attractive women, or you really don't want to date them. Your physical responses could be telling you something very valid here.

My suggestion would be to widen the field a bit. Eliminate the "must be attractive" part - unless you're a Lothario yourself, seems kind of spiritually blind to demand that the only woman you'd be satisfied with must be attractive. There are probably lots of less than attractive, but still not too hard on the eyes ladies who might actually fit more easily into your value system than an outwardly attractive woman. Then again, if attractive IS an absolute in your value system, well, that may be where you need to start looking - is attractive something that just cannot be compromised?

No books or courses to suggest, although you might consider using one or more of the Paraliminals to get in touch with what you do want, and programming for it. Also, if you've used some of the other courses here, perhaps you might re-investigate how you could use them to help you do this. Sit down and really define what it is you are seeking in a relationship (not just the "attractive" part) - and also define what it is in you that must be fulfilled by each of those areas. Then you'll be able to more easily be drawn toward someone who fits into your life more comfortably.

Cheers!

Unis

I have had quite a lot of change happen with using the swish pattern for various change needs, with the swish pattern you see yourself still improve weeks afterwards...use the following format for the purpose statement: TO CHANGE FROM (SINGLE BEHAVIOUR) TO BEING THE PERSON WHO (STATEMENT OF IDENTITY) MORE AND MORE, WITH MORE AND MORE (EMOTIONAL STATES).

The Swish Pattern

1. Identify context

eg. TO CHANGE FROM AVOIDING ATTRACTIVE WOMEN TO BEING THE
PERSON WHO THRIVES ON APPROACHING ATTRACTIVE WOMEN
MORE AND MORE WITH MORE AND MORE EASE, NATURALNESS AND FRIENDLINESS...

· First identify where you are broken or stuck.
· Where or when would you like to behave or respond differently than
you do now?
· What is the negative behaviour?

2. Identify cue picture

· Now identify what you actually see in that situation just before you
start doing the behaviour you don't like.
· In your mind do whatever has to precede the behaviour, so you can
see what that looks like.
· What do you see, hear, or feel just prior to engaging in the unwanted
behaviours?
· What triggers you to feel stuck, unresourceful, or locked into a
habit?
· What sets off the problematic behaviour for you?
· As you identify the trigger, see this picture as an associated image.

3. Create outcome picture

· Now create a second image of how you would see yourself
differently if you had already accomplished the desired change.
· What does the image of your desired self, a self who no longer has
these problems, look like?
· Keep adjusting this image until you have one that is really attractive
to you--one that draws you strongly, only proceed if the image is
really attractive.
· What are all the various qualities and attributes necessary to reach
your desired outcome? Only proceed when you have gotten very
attractive qualities and attributes in your image.
· Step out of the movie and watch it as a spectator. Edit the image
until you feel it pulling on you. Do you feel it yet?

4. Check for objections

· Are all of your "parts" wanting to step into this desired self and
experience it fully?
· If any part of you objects to the new image, what do you notice and
go back to step 3.

5. Link the two representations

· When you have the two images, the cue picture and the outcome
picture, simply create a linkage between the representations so that
the trigger picture or sound leads to the resourceful picture. How
does that feel?
· Start seeing that cue picture, big and bright, close and full colour.
Then put a small, dark, far away, black and white image of the
outcome picture in the lower right corner.
· Have you started with the cue picture and linked it to the future
outcome picture so that it keeps directing you to the most ideal
you?

6. Run the swish process

· As the cue picture grows smaller and darker, and further away,set it
up so that the future outcome picture grows bigger and brighter,
closer and in full colour...and covers the whole screen.
· Do this swish very, very quickly, in just a couple of seconds, say
"Swwiissshhhhh!"
· After this blank out the screen.

7. Repeat this swish process 5 times

· Allow your brain to go quicker and quicker with each swish.

8. Test

· Now, picture the cue image...What happens?
· The cue picture will fade away and be replaced by the second image
of yourself as you want to be.

You are reacting from a stand point of fear. You need to dig deep down and discover why you feel afraid to talk to women. Is it because of bad relationships in the past? Feeling inadequate? Fear of rejection? These issues need to be dealt with.

Second I would address what went wrong in the first marriage. It is likely to resurface as a problem if you don't identify what the issue was. Be careful about pointing fingers and blaming here. if you were just stupid and picked the wrong person or rushed in too fast without getting to know them then you have to own up to it and learn the lesson.

You must also determine your goal. Are you just looking for a date? Sex? A soulmate? if you don't know what you are after it is likely you won't find it even if it falls in your lap.

The most important thing you can do to find someone after you know what you want is to become the person that is good enough for the person you think is good enough for you. There is nothing wrong with wanting a tall, attractive, sexy, slim, intellgent, etc, etc, etc. But you have to be fair and ask yourself, "What would I have to offer such a person?" And work to make the necessary changes in your own life to become that person for her.

A small book I would recommend is Attaining Your Desires by Genevieve Behrend. it is a general life manual of sorts but it is very direct and to the point and even talks about relationships and how to attract what you are after.

Tony Robbins talks about an exercise where you write down everything you want in a person down to the kind of fingernail polish they wear. Get clear in your own mind about what you really do want and don't settle in your description.

Looks aren't everything but I wouldn't buy into the idea that you should let that go as a desire. Attractiveness is a matter of opinion and pretty much everyone fits "somebody's" ideal of attractive. You have to get clear on what you consider attractive to be.

Another thing you can do is simply practice. If you have any female friends practice talking to them and role play a bit. See if you can work with a friends wife over dinner or a sister. If these aren't feasible then go out for the purpose of practicing. Go where ever you go to meet women with the intent to practice talking to pretty girls. Set your mind before going in that you aren't there to meet anyone so they can't reject you. You are just there to practice talking. This takes the pressure of you and you can go find the best looking girl and open up.

Another point is be yourself and be honest. If you walk up to some girl and feel nervous then say so, its a way to break the ice. "Hey I am really nervous about talking to you but I saw you sitting here and thought you were really pretty and had to come and tell you. Would you mind talking with me?"

Don't make it harder than it is. Attractive women are no different that anyone else. they are regular people. Keep that in mind.

You can also play role when talking to people. See yourself as a superhero or a famous actor. Play the part of the male lead who gets all the girls. Then you don't have to worry about getting rejected because you aren't you. You are just playing a part. if it goes well you can always stuff the mask under the bar and be yourself.

Wayne Dyer said something like: Go within and create your ideal relationship with your thoughts, we only experience others through our thoughts anyway, what you are manifesting outwardly is a reflection of your inner-life.

If you have within confidence, trust, safety, love, romance, commitment, joy, peace you will pick it up faster in your external reality. Love and connect with those in your current circle and your circle will widen.

Phone about, strive to give. Email about, sms, create networks. Think Spirals Outward!

Sow, Sow, Sow, Sow, Sow, Sow, Sow, Reap, Reap, Reap, Reap, Reap, Reap, Reap,Reap, Reap, Reap, Reap, Reap, Reap, Reap, Sow, Sow, Sow, Sow, Sow, Sow, Sow, Sow, Sow, Sow, Sow, Sow, Sow, Sow, Reap, Reap, Reap, Reap, Reap, Reap, Reap,Reap, Reap, Reap, Reap, Reap, Reap, Reap, Reap, Reap, Reap, Reap, Reap, Reap, Reap,Reap, Reap, Reap!!!

I am also far from the goal you have for yourself, and fear and lack are my main threats, but the above is my strategy, and sometimes it's like a bag of sweat and tears for a spoonful of sugar.

Check out the following Paraliminals

For finding and setting up a date.
Anxiety Free.
New History Generator
Personal Relationship.
Instantaneous Personal Magnetism

Add to that the Creating Sparks Paraliminal for when you have a prospective date.

Alex

AeB

When a man has good intentions toward an attractive woman, has the best in mind for her, wants to honor her, and respects himself, and has the best of intentions for himself, he has nothing to fear from an attractive woman because he is trustworthy in his own eyes, and if the woman rejects him too bad it's not him, he's doing his best, it's just her particular taste.

When a man trusts himself to take care of an attractive woman he has nothing to fear from that woman. Note I did not say trust the woman. When approaching a woman for the first time, trusting her won't do anything, because you've got nothing to base it on, trusting yourself to handle all of what proceeds does matter.

Besides I don't think men really fear woman's rejection, ie it's not what the woman does that they fear...it's that they fear the woman will discover their ill intentions and uncover who the man really is. Besides if the man knows he has put in the work and effort honestly to deserve a certain woman(but it's up to her too, note), then he trusts himself enough in order to do what is necessary to honestly win the woman.

In other words I think us men need our brains and hearts to catch up with our other overdeveloped desires and become whole men, in order to present ourselves with integrity, and matter-of-factly without flinching, because perfect(whole) love, love with integrity, casts out all fear. Besides if you mean no harm what have you to fear.

Thanks everyone for your insights on this issue..

I've been talking to a lot of my male friends recently and I gather that this may not be such a unique situation. A lot of people are in similar situation...

Grant, you are absolutely right... fear of rejection is common place, both men and women have it... especially when one's getting back in the circulation after a long pause... What do us men have to fear, especially when the intentions are noble and natural. With some good information on the subject, a little bit of work on the personality, self-esteem etc. and with support of helpful friends, it should not be too too tough, I guess )... I have started using some of your suggested techniques using some paraliminals, hypnotic sessions as well as EFT tools I have..... & I feel better already!!! ... good luck to you in yoru search too my friend... we're all in it together.... !!

Jeanne, thanks about your wise insights... the 'looking without looking' approach definately eases the anticipatory/performance anxiety.. which could a real killer...

Lord_Shandor, you're right on the money... unless the goal is clearly established, clearly and convincingly, its so easy to get lost in this game... being objective & honest with oneself as well as others is important... then only is one more likely to attract the 'right' person for the long run.....

Unis, I agree with you on the idea that its not wise to limit oneself by just focusing on 'physical attributes'... although the word 'attraction' to me means all three: physical, psychic(mental & emotional) and spiritual.... I won't deny it.. my male hormones do get excited as the sight of physically beautiful women, but if its just physical beauty that she has, then as soon as I regain my senses, the interest doesn't lasts too long (thank Goodness ))....

last but definately not the least, Alex... thanks for your insightful suggestions.. 'New history generator' is a great suggestion (along with other ones).... I knew/thought about the other ones...but not NHG.... but you are right... its' VERY important to work on/healing the past unresolved issues, otherwise I will just end up attracting someone who may have unresolved issues themselves ...

Thanks,
AeB

Funny thing is when you experience similar reoccuring problems in your relationships with other women it's like a wake up call, it's like you kind of say, hey all those relationship gurus are right, it's not the same woman but it's the same problem. Then the power comes because you know that if you change you, you can change your relationships with others.

I think it works by expectations and beliefs, what you believe about how you interact or relate, and what you expect from others for your actions.

Corinthians 13: ...,love always expects the best,