Forums IMPORTANT: PLEASE READ Beyond Human Is long-term marriage possible anymore?

It appears to me that relationships are becoming more challenging year by year. Women are behaving more like men, which is kind of scary. People now-a-days generally feel that its alright to cheat, and going through life from one relationship to another is no biggie. Few people hold respect for a relationship. Relationships are treated like cars: if one breaks you get another, or if your bored with one buy another. With so much negativity being drip fed into minds, is it even possible to have a happy long-term relationship anymore? I am beginning to believe it is non-existent like big foot –just a myth- and that everyone breaks up sooner or later. Now I know its not true my parents have been together for 25 years, through thick and thin. But people now are a different kind of species, a throw-away society.

My short years of being an adult I have witnessed hundreds of marriages and relationships fail. I have witnessed even more people having casual sex, and cheating. I can't name one couple that I know that have an amazing relationship.

I am bombarded with negative imput from everywhere. It appears to me that relationships are impossible. From everytime you turn on Tv, to everytime I interact with people around me. You see proof the existence of a throw-away society. Sure, the belief paralminals helps, but there are a lot more challenges than changing one's beliefs.

Maybe this world really is ending? Or as I once heard someone say it has been ending for a long time. Take a look around, it looks like this world is going to hell.

One thing that I have really been thinking about is how one person can effect another, and turn a relationship around just from that person's positive mind state. And I Wondered if that person developed a success mindstate, such as in think in grow rich aimed at a relationship, would he or she be able to have a successful relationship independent of his/her mates knowledge, experience, attitude. Of coarse general attributes that give a relationship a foundation would need to be present. But something that would exceed all negativity. That the person with a success mind state would influence the weaker mind in a postive way that enriched the relationship and blasts through all the obstacles. Could this end divorce, cheating, horedom, and a lot of other relationship problems.

I also started thinking if one person is enlightened could he/she bring about enlightenment in their partner as say any other interaction with a spiritual master. An osmosis transfer of knowledge.

Anyones expereince or thoughts?

Joey, your questions are very insightful and valid. An enlightened person transforms the world, by starting with affecting the people around that person. So it is upto each of us to strive to be enlightened ourselves, and not wait or expect for others to change, for once we have transformed ourselves, the world automatically changes.

This is a complex problem that comes from the breakdown of traditional American society. One solution is to move to a country that is still relatively free but with a traditional culture or marry an immigrant from one of those countries. Another option is to join a religion such as the Amish which I'm sure have a low divorce rate. These may seem extreme but the point is that this is not part of the human condition or anything instinctive to humanity but something flawed in our culture. Even in religions that consider this a sin have divorce rates similar to typical Americans, as long as the people are immersed in our popular culture.

When I took sociology classes at a Baptist university one topic was the Baptist divorce rate. According to the text Baptists have a higher divorce rate than some more "traditional" Protestant churches even though Baptists have higher moral standards. The reason given was that Baptists bring in people from all cultures and economic classes when the churches that were compared with them were far more restricted to certain classes and cultures. This brings us back to the basics of rapport, that people like people who are like themselves. That does not mean that you can not have a successful relationship with someone from a different economic, social, cultural, and educational background, if you share strong core values you can, but as a rule of thumb such relationships are less stable.

One interesting book I read recently is "The Birth Order Connection" by Dr. Kevin Leman. I don't buy into his theory that birth order shapes your personality, at least not to the extent Leman teaches, but the book does have some good insights into starting relationships. The chapter "The Most Intimate Date Imaginable" is the most important, giving advice to talk a lot on your first dates, and ask about her childhood, family relationships, values, etc. This way you get to know them much better. Of course it is useful to use NLP skills, but if you want a lasting marriage you will need to really know her, not just establish rapport and link all her values to you.

Enlightenment, whatever that is, won't make you successful. A popular martial arts star who became a Lama ditched his wife and ran off with his babysitter. Tony Robbins, who taught people how to be successful in relationships also divorced even after teaching this stuff for over 10 years. On the other hand, many "normal" people have successful relationships.

There is no way to ensure success but you can put as many factors as you can in your favor.

Yes.

It's not decided by culture, or religion, but by the two people involved in the marriage. Religion and culture can shape the individuals but it is not responsible for their action, they are. They make their choices.

The idea of happy marriage was added somewhere in the thread. Again happiness is an individuals choice. However, once you interact with others you start to modify your world to accomodate others, or not. That or not, may be the key to the other choosing to not remain in the marriage.

It takes two to keep a mrriage together, but only one to break it up. One person alone can not hold a relationship together.

Can someone affect others? Yes of course. How much and in what direction is highly variable. You can't help someone unless they want you to, but you can provide models that others can help but learn from. Maybe not everything is learned, but something at some level will be transferred.

It can be yours and knowledge, wisdom, observance and faith can find it for you.

You are perfection.
Iam2

The Buddhists call this Impermanence.

Nothing lasts forever. People change, so why have attachments?

The next stage after this life is a perfect existance. So why stick around here another second?

Maybe I only get one chance to experience being a being in this physical form, or not. Maybe your role is a singular beacon. Maybe it's to fully experience some aspect of being physical. Maybe it's to sample from many tables. Discouver you path and travel it. If you travel alone or with the company of others is a choice you can make, but so can they.

So is long term marriage possible? Yes. Is it the right path for everyone? I don't know.

You are perfection.
Iam2

The question shouldn't necessarily be whether or not long term marriage is possible, but rather is it desirable?

There are fundamental differences between the reasons for gettting and staying married now vs. in times past. Before it was more or less of an economic necessity for survival. Couples depended upon each other to perform complimentary tasks to maintain a household.

It is no longer that way.

SO why are people getting married now? For love and companionship. Which means, if the love loses its lustre or the companionship becomes unwanted, there is little holding the people back from finding more suitable companions.

Don't look at it as throwaway, see it as liberating. That way, if you or your partner outgrows the other, you don't find yourself stuck in a miserable situation.

Impermenence is inevitable and enlightenment doesn't always help a situation, as in a relationship of equals, it can bring in a teacher-student dynamic that the student very well might resent.

Sounds like you may want to not worry about getting married and start learning what makes a relationship work for you.

-cpc

Okay, now it you are not making a commitment to stay together, why are you getting married? You can have a relationship without marriage. It's not a status symbol. It's a commitment. If you are not ready, then don't do it. If you don't think you can honour your commitment, then don't do it. You have alternative.

If one think that a relationship is a static thing and will not change with time, then one's view may be a bit simplistic. If one chooses to neglect a relationship and allow it to evolve in a direction where it will degenerate, then that too is a choice. All this said, it still requires a commitment from two. One alone can not maintain it. It must be the choice of two.

You are perfection.
Iam2

I went through a difficult divorce and it caused me to start reading books about relationships to try and figure out how problems can be avoided next time. The best book that I found of the subject is "How to get the Love You Want" by Harville Hendrix. In the book he talks about how we attract someone who has some of the negative traits of our parents. It is a real eye openner. When you combine that with the blame game, and the fact that when some people are unhappy, they think that it is the fault of others intead of looking in the mirror, you have the recipe for a high divorce rate. I would highly recommend the book.

Joey, you raised a really good question, that I have been thinking also much recently. I ordered an another book of same author that was recommended by Hobo. Here:

Harville Hendrix: Keeping The Love You Find

I didn´t get it yet, but I viewed sample pages online and I think it´s a good choice for someone searching for two things: 1. the "right" one and 2. life-long relationship with that person.

HenriS