*PLEASE RE-READ* > Important edits and additions were made at 4:30 PM (CST), 6-19-2005. - SOA Dear Jo Jo,
Nothing is worth the cost of your sanity, or peacefulness of mind. Good lord, it sounds as if you'd rather die than separate. There is nothing wrong with a trial separation, Jo Jo. It gives you a chance to regroup, take a breather, and get your wits together... to be on your own so you can think independently, and get in touch with your spirit and soul, without interference.
Do you share a similar purpose in life? Does she join you with equal interest in your quest for higher self-development? It doesn't sound like it. From your description, it seems that she might be the type who thrives on negative drama. Then again, it could be she feels frustrated because issues don't seem to be settled mutually, and she probably feels that she's having to basically handle problems on her own. She might be trying to force you to see things from her perspective, hoping that you will take what she perceives as effective action on the problem. I'm not saying this is true, but it could be the way she feels. I have a hunch that you still have an attraction and yearning for her, and you both experience moments of satisfaction. As a result, maybe out of fear of failure or for ego gratification, she might be misinterpreting your need as weakness, and taking advantage of it by ruling the roost and controlling the puppet strings. Whatever it is, she has gone too far, pushing you to the edge of danger.
Many years ago I found myself in an abusive relationship, mentally AND physically. Every time I would leave him, he would beg me to come back, and he'd always promise that things would be different, which they never were. By nature, I'm normally easy to get along with, considerate, and every bit a lady. But since he considered me less than human, and a veritable verbal and physical target for his unresolved history, I was constantly countering his cruelty and staying on the defensive in a state of fury and fear. What I'm getting at here, is that because I chose to stay with him, I eventually turned into something horrible that I didn't want to be. I felt like "trash" or low-life, because of the way we fought all the time. He finally agreed to get professional help after I threw him in jail and I retreated to a women's shelter, but he never followed through on it. Eventually, after 2 years of it (although it felt like 20), we parted ways. I was truly happy not to be with him anymore. Not that I didn't love him, but just because you love someone, it doesn't meant that it's "right".
Even though it was unintentional, you have attracted an apparently destructive person into your life, only not quite so intense as my account, and now it's vital that you learn how to do things differently, so that you don't become self-destructive. This will be impossible to do if you stay connected, under the status quo. After reading this, you may back up and say that it really isn't that bad, after all, but your language reveals otherwise. It doesn't have to be physical to be detrimental to your health and welfare. Think about it.
If you were already a master at effecting positive change, things would be different. But since you're still a beginner, you won't have what it takes to bypass the battles and build yourself up.
I have gone through counseling on this sort of problem, and have read numerous books on the subject. This is what I suggest: In your situation, I would separate and not date, not see each other, not talk on the phone, not email or write, and not even Instant Message for 6 months. This also means not to deliver messages by way of friends. It would be a trial split, with no contact whatsoever, as if you never met. If she has no place to go, then what would she do if you really broke up? If this is the case, use your imagination. Either send her packing to a relative, set her up with a friend, or let her move in the Salvation Army (or other non-profit professional social service) and let them help her get her life in order. Or, YOU could move out and let her stay, while you find another place. If you have to "rough it" for a while, then so be it. Desperate times call for desperate measures. After all, your life and ultimate destiny are at stake, here! If there are children in the picture, then whoever will not be keeping the children will act *as if* they're on a 6-month assignment in a remote area, where they can't be reached, not even by cell phone.
Since you aren't really married (I assume by your choice of words), it should be agreed that during this 6 months you can do what you wish, with whom you wish, and so can she, with NO condemnation of it, regardless of the circumstances. However, if at all possible, it would be ideal if you could do without for the time period, so that you can concentrate completely on yourself, and not be side-tracked by romantic encounters. This is because until you can raise your positive energy and evolve to a higher level, you will continue to attract the same problems, only in a different package. Those familiar hang-ups usually won't appear until after you're already hooked, then it will be too late.
This makes me think of a dear little dog named "Boots" that my sister used to have. Since she couldn't keep him at the time, where she was living, our dad who live in New Orleans, took him home to his apartment and cared for him. Boots was a good dog, and very lovable. But one day when I came in, my dad said that Boots, who was male, had followed a female dog who was in heat, into the middle of the highway next to the apartment complex. He couldn't wait, and was "doing it" with her, there, and they were run over by traffic.
In any event, what you decide to do or don't do during that time, is ultimately up to you. Regardless, it will certainly be none of your partner's business. Just let her wonder.
It is crucial that you now begin focusing strictly on yourself, by taking immediate action, WITHOUT HESITATION, on the following four steps listed below. You may add to the list, but you must not remove anything. If you don't currently have the money, figure out how to tighten your belt RIGHT NOW, and get some part-time work RIGHT NOW... or think up a new, more lucrative way to generate an income, RIGHT NOW (as long as it's legal). At this point, timing is critical, and you must not waste a single moment:
1) *Actively* listen to the Paraliminal "Self-Esteem Supercharger" for obvious reasons. Passive listening is fine, but you need to make sure you still listen by following Paul's instructions, on a regular basis. Also do the same with the "Personal Genius" Paraliminal, so that your mind will be open to creative ideas and new perspectives.
2) Read "The Power of Intention" by Dr. Wayne Dyer. Among other things, he speaks of the importance of kindness to yourself. Without it, your positive energy is lowered and you will continue to exist in a low-energy field, which attracts more of the same into your life.
3) Order the audio series, "The Secrets to Manifesting Your Destiny" also by Dr. Wayne Dyer. You will learn an extremely easy, ancient meditation that will actually help to manifest your highest destiny.
4) Sign up for the Effort-Free Life System. I would recommend the Gold, if at all possible. This way, you will have within your reach every available resource including extra live coaching, in case you get stuck, and lots of extra neat goodies that come with it.
Also, in your agreement with her, I would not let her off scot-free! I would give her the same assignments listed above, to complete on her own, without your help, by the end of that six months. Keep it simple and don't add more to her list than the 4 basics, unless she approves it. If you pay for it, she probably won't respect it, but that's your decision. If she refuses to do her part, regardless of the reason, the consequences will be on her, and not you. She will disqualify herself as a mate, by default.
Structure is a necessary part of a well-adjusted life, but so is flexibility, within reason. If a little more time is needed to complete the 6-month homework, then by all means, extend the time period. But under no circumstances should you reunite until the work is completed by both parties.
To be fair, the only other alternative I would offer her AFTER making the above ultimatum, would be a Plan B: Stay together, ON ONE CONDITION, that you fulfill the assignments TOGETHER, helping each other. Tell her there will be a 3-month probation period for it. Inform her beforehand, that during the first three months she must prove that she is serious, sincere, and successful with doing her part, working on her self development with the assigned projects (with no substitutes). She is to be a good sport about helping you when you need it, just as you will her. If not, then you will go back to Plan A, and you will STAY there, without flitting back and forth, until the agreement is completed.
One more thing: From now on, if either one of you has anything angry, sarcastic, or hurtful to say within hearing distance, you have two choices: #1. STOP RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE.("FREEZE!") WRITE IT DOWN ON A PIECE OF PAPER, WALK OVER, AND CAREFULLY HAND IT TO THE OTHER. #2. LET IT GO AND CHOOSE PEACE. You cannot type on the computer and print it out, or have someone else write it for you or deliver it. If this rule is not followed, the other person will walk out, and you'll have to steam, spit, and spew on your own.
Be a grown adult, and stick to your guns. Mean what you say, say what you mean, and whatever you do, don't say what you don't mean. Whatever arrangement you both decide to agree on, if she screws it up, dump her. Let her go terrorize someone else. In the meantime, YOU will be learning how to attract people with positive energy into your life, by changing your own energy.
Peace be with you.
quote:
Originally posted by Jo Jo:
I seem to have a problem with anger at this point in my life. My mate brings out the worst in me, we end up fighting and its almost as if I lose control. I would never physically hurt her, but what does that matter when I am saying really mean things. I mean I still end up hurting her. I am trying the sedona method. I started using the relationships paraliminal, it has helped to knock downs some walls I had.
I have never really been an angry person and feel a lot of the time that its her. That she pushes my buttons to the point where I see red. I try to tell her we should give each other space and talk when the emotions are not as strong so we could talk more rationally. She says I am running from talking to her. I have listened to Tony Robbins on how to master your emotions. I try to meditate but feel to stressed out to even try. I am feeling hopeless right now. I was thinking about suicide which is crazy because I have no real reason to die. I just feel miserable.
[This message has been edited by SummitOfAmbition (edited June 19, 2005).]
