Forums IMPORTANT: PLEASE READ Beyond Human Is long-term marriage possible anymore?

>The question shouldn't necessarily be >whether or not long term marriage is >possible, but rather is it desirable?

This depends on persons, of course. I think that long-term relationship can be much more fulfilling, when both are committed to..

1. each other
2. to grow as individuals
3. as a couple in the relationship

The relationship can change its shape and form in the way, but ideally the love between persons can become so strong by the time that it is finally spiritual (or close). This is my romantic view on this thing.

>the love loses its lustre or the >companionship becomes unwanted, there is >little holding the people back from >finding more suitable companions.

I think here is a lot self-programming: thinking that love will lose its shine sooner or later. We do this self-programming, because there is lot of proof around us - broken marriages, etc. Magical feelings that are common in the early stages can fade away, but don´t let them be everything.

>Don't look at it as throwaway, see it as >liberating. That way, if you or your >partner outgrows the other, you don't find >yourself stuck in a miserable situation.

It seems that people in western countries are really living this time of "liberating". They are very easily thinking that "this didn´t work - let´s try something different". The more you have relationships, the more difficult it´s to trust that this new one is the final. Even people in the "arranged marriages" cultures seem to be much happier in their relationships than people in the western throwaway cultures - this was my personal observation in India. Many westerns may think that those people who had arranged marriages, must be really sad, because they did´t have the chance to choose, but it is far from the truth - of course there is exceptions also in this case.

I say keep it simple. Please read this whole post, not to be a know it all but I really have to something to say here.
The love of your life comes when you stop looking for it. Sounds tricky though, you can't actively stop looking and then expect it to come.
What I mean is seriously and genuinally realize that YOU are responsible for how you feel inside, and that the greatest joy is being in your body, alive and appreciating the moment. It sounds like chessy stuff but I'm telling you it's not.
I was suicidal for years, I was always looking and nothing would ever work out. One day I climbed this huge water tower and I was ready to jump off, thinking that this is it, there's no hope. Well I didn't jump obviously and somehow from that day forward I decided that everything I needed was right in front of me. I decided that if I was to be alone all my life that I would still make it a meaningful and wonderful existence out of it.
This was LIBERATING. I found myself just enjoying being alone. At peace with myself. I realized that years had gone by and I was always searching for someone who would make me feel that feeling we see on the movies and hear in songs. The problem is I didn't understand myself. Once I realized the problem wasn't not being able to find someone, it was wanting to have someone or something outside of myself for wholeness.(This was before I even knew what Buddhism or methods were)I stopped looking and more and more the peace of being alone encompassed me. I saw how trapped some married folks and couples were. Seeing them I saw it was more about "getting" from the other person, a perpetual "you do this, and then I'll do this", eventually each party gets frustrated and heads for the hills.
I felt liberated from having to deal with all that "drama" and wasted energy. I would simply play acoustic or relax in a park. It was simplistically amazing.

Well ladies and gentlemen I went applying for a job at a telemarketing place about a year ago and casually as you would say "excuse me" to someone met THE GIRL. We flow amazingly, completely in love without the neediness. It's wonderful we're best friends and lovers too. However still even in this wonderful relationship I MUST ANNOUNCE, I STILL NEED TO BE PRESENT AND WHOLE IN MYSELF. Thats right you would think that this almost perfect relationship would solve that dillema, well thats it, it doesn't. Me and her have ecstatic love and peace even when we're away. But I notice that even when I start "needing" her I begin to feel that SAME similar feeling I had when I was single. So you see it's a structural and fundemental problem that even in the greatest relationship cannot be solved unless someone is whole and present. Knowing that the future doesn't exist and that the past is only a measly neuron firing in one of the brain lobes. From the place of complete love you will simply obtain all that you need and the special someone will come as well. BUT REMEMBER, even in that relationship where you "Fall in Love", that love will fade into complacency if you start wanting it. So you see this "love" we know of here in America is really just "neediness". True love doesn't want, ask, or strive, it's just there. I tell you that in my relationship of 1 year we hardly ever argue, we always come to compromise, there is flow, laughter, and total rapport intimately and socially. I mean it's literally almost perfect. And I think we met because I cleared out what I thought I needed and just "became". And when you truely are here and now it will shine and I guarantee someone will see it.
Again I must say that even in my relationship she is still her own independent person as am I. There's no clinging or entrapment. If I start needing her I swear it's like I'm turning the wheel of suffering all over again. It's a hard thing to realize but staying in the moment loving yourself unconditionally, and being whole in yourself is really where your suffering ends. And if I sound cheesy or buddhish I guarantee you'll understand the clarity of this when you find that one.
So I say that self peace(and all that other tree hugging talk lol) is the quantum leap to surpassing all maybes and what ifs, it's the homerun hit. If you can find peace in yourself you've killed 20 million birds with one stone. It can't help but get better and better when you find it for yourself. Forget this I'm ignorant. Just consider it.

Thanks for sharing ShaneXedge. I agree with everything you've said, but hesitated to take that path in this thread.

I think everyone should learn to love themselves and be fully satisfied within themselves.

I think that you can have a lasting relationship without being in that great place. However, it is easier. You do did much of the perspective you've alluded to, in order to sustain a relationship.

The WIIFM (What's In It For Me) mentality doesn't build a lasting relationship. Needing someone for your happiness is not a sign of dome, but it should be a warning light. A relationship is strongest and most rewarding when you are giving.

Again, I'll end by saying that it still takes two coming at the relationship with an attitude to nurish the relationship to make it last.

You are perfection.
Iam2

You all have wonderful ideals of how relationships should be, and that is just great. We need ideals to work towards.

What should be and is are often two very different things. I just tend to the latter.

Matter of opinion, eh?

-cpc

Of course long term marriage is possible.

You have both got to desire it and value your marital contract. You have to value your connection more than the need for comfort when things get rough.

There are many examples of very old couples who are happy together. Maybe it was easier for them, maybe it wasn't. Living in traditional, socially sponsored roles can make things easier, I guess, than being a person in a world where your roles and the road ahead of you isn't as defined. But I don' think it's easy for a mother to raise 5 kids with no help, and I don't think it's easy to be a man working his tail off day after day to earn money so your wife and 5 kids can have a decent living.

I believe you have both got to value your connection more than the easing of intense pain and very hard times. In other words, you have to be in love, value that love, and believe in it.

It may be that recent generations have far less tradition to live by. We are more selfish. The world around us is changing faster and more constantly than ever.

What it is to be a man and woman, together or apart, are not defined for us in as clear terms. I suppose we have to either reach back into our pasts, or create something new and believe in it, stick to it.

That being said, I do not know if I am up to the task, or if I wil meet someone for whom I will desire to make those kinds of sacrifices.

Everything is impermanent and does change. Yet, hanging on to the mast, through storm after storm, so you can get to your destination can certainly be worthwhile. If you let go, you might drown ... you might wash up on a beautiful island with many lovely native women ... who knows? Each choice, I think, contains a sacrifice as well as a gain in it.