Today I realised something. I want to write it here because it such a huge meaning to me. So here goes:
I want to do things for _my_ own reasons. I want to do things for _my_ own pleasure. I want to plan _my_ future to please _me_.
I know it sounds trivial. And it is. But to me it's not only words, I feel it now.
All my life I have been doing things for other people. What other peopel say or what I imagine them saying. My parents for example, I've been listening to them in my head and trying to do what ever they tell me to do. (my father is already dead and still I've been trying to please him!!))
All in all I've been the one that pleases others, never myself. The pleasure that I've felt has been the pleasure of other people.
Speaking in NLP terms, this belief of mine "I am the one that lives to please others, not myself / I do things because others force me to do them", has been in the identity level. (Sometimes I suspected it might have been even on the spiritual level). It takes time to go and change a belief on that level. Some of you may have read my earlier posts, how I've struggled.
Do you want to know what changed my view? Well, it was actually the password in the Spring forest qigong course: "I am in the universe, and the universe in my body. I and the universe are combined together". At first I could not accept this statement. But I could accept "I am in another universe… etc." (Yeah, I read scifi 
) After a week I could accept the password. And then I felt it! I knew that I was on the right path. (It was 6 months ago). This password was the belief that I needed to change my own belief. It was on a high enough logical level (the highest, spiritual, [NLP again... They say in NLP that you need another belief at the same logical level or higher to change a belief.]) There was a lot of junk to be gotten rid of, fear, sorrow, anger.. etc. Funny thing is, everytime I got to a situation where it was possible to get rid of such feelings, I realised they were actually my best and dearest friends!
-purjo- <feet rooted in the ground>
