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Arthur: Religion is not for me anymore.

Fuzzy: I know there are people who have picked themselves up from worse situations. I want to know how they did that. I do not think that changing my state of mind will automatically make my life wonderful. I am a loser and a loser for good reasons. Once I dont have reasons for being a loser, I'll no longer think I suck as bad as I do. I have not always felt like i sucked, and for good reasons.

I do think you are right though, I am waiting for my life to be changed by an outside source. thats b/c i dont know what to do myself.

hopefully this isnt coming off as hopelessly sad. it doesnt feel that way.

Alex: So what do you do now, Alex? You seem to be in a position to tell me the most. Where do you go from where you are? Do you have plans to get a job? Move to another country, where if they wont hire you solely based on your hearing loss you can sue them (united states. cant you sue the corporation who fired you b/c you are deaf). Move to Minnesota and work for the Learning Strategies Corporation? What about women?

Your posts are typically brillant, Alex. If people think your dumb b/c your deaf, F_ them.

chaosadelt: some time ago, maybe three months, a friend called and asked me what i was doing with my life. "nothing," i said. i continued on with something along these lines: "i think that my folks are going to give me the boot pretty soon. im ambivalent about it. it could be great. it could be horrible. and im not sure if i want to find out which one. where i stand now, at least i know ill eat and keep warm. then again, i really want it to happen."

motivation is a definite problem. if i wanted something though, it would not be. i need to find a want.

also, ive never been challenged. that doesnt sound right, but its probably close to the truth.

its not b/c im good at anything. its b/c i always take the easy route.

Astrowill: Great luck on the GED. Where do you go from there? Do you really need an IPod? There are somedays i wish my computer would break. There are other days I break my computer, so I dont spend too much time on the net (i took my keyboard and smashed it to 1000s of bits in the road).

[This message has been edited by ploppsdman (edited January 15, 2003).]






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here's something i wrote. its the only thing ive written that i think is OK. what have you written that you like? no one reads anything i write, despite my request. if thats the case with you, post something and ill read it. i probably wont comment, and ill hope for the same. comments seem stilted, for whatever reason.


to the store
Am I important today?

I check my calendar. Itís a Tuesday and Iím unimportant.

I am hungry though, and without much more than raemen noodles and a beer, I walk to the store. Itís right there. Right across the street from my house. Well, my parents house. Can you see it?

Iím already out the door, so I can see it quite clearly.

As I gain more ground on the grocery store ďenterĒ doors, whatever does whatever, cause and effect, and the electronically motivated doors move to their open position. I walk through, whatever does whatever, as the money motivated man standing there, burdened by a sickly colored vest, moves to his hello position.

His hands creep out of his pants pockets. His shoulders shift gaunt and defeated. Heís looking down and then he looks up. His glance turns down, and before it gears up again, I greet the man with a ďhelloĒ to defuse the awkwardness.

ďHello,Ē he replies, as he is paid to do so. He might not be talking to me. There is another person walking behind me who says hello at the same instant, but for self-image's sake I'm going to presume he was welcoming me, too. No, letís make that, ME ONLY. Maybe I am important today? No, itís a Tuesday. Iím never important on a Tuesday. I only end up rhyming, at least twice, like Dr. Seuss on Tuesdays.

Itís a funny thing: a person paid to greet you. Perhaps I too will begin paying people to say hello to me. 25 cents a HI seems reasonable. To have so many people acknowledge that I do indeed exist, that could be a boon to my life. And whoís to say, maybe everyoneís life?

Perhaps this practice will catch on, and nearly everyone will begin to pay others to say HI to them. Invariably there will be no reason in exchanging the 25 cents. It's senseless if I say HI to you and receive 25 cents, and then you say HI and I hand you that same amount back. The result of this would be the extermination of all loneliness.

Of course, living in this time and place, cause-and-effect, Iím a pessimistic-optimist. I doubt such a fairy-tale ending would ever materialize. If I begin to reimburse people 25 cents for a HI, eventually someone will come along incorporating and copyrighting (perhaps it would be me?). Due to "scarcities" and the cost of labor, prevailing market prices for greetings consequently rise and rise with the sun each morning. I suppose there will be drilling in the wilderness preserves here, and exploitation of third world nations there, to increase supply and lower labor cost to 13US cents per hour, but cost-per-HI will "unfortunately" continue to increase due to demand. Thatís my justification for everything. Itís how the system works. I have no other options and neither do you. Sorry. Itís economics and itís got all of us by the balls. So bend over with a nice, flawless smile and enjoy the ride.

Prices for verbal acknowledgements will eventually be out of reach for everyone, but the very rich. Sure sure once in a long long while you, the little person, could spring for a HI; maybe on some sort of payment plan? Afterall, I do have to give just enough to the little folk to prevent a revolution, but don't bother dreaming of a ďWell, hello! How are you doing today, sir?Ē That costs 5200 bucks, and rightly so! They're popular and scarce, ya know?

I walk in the direction where the horribly over-processed chicken patties lie. This is what Iíve come to purchase.

As I look down to avoid eye contact with passer-byes, who donít say hello, I notice that I'm traveling inside a city-like grid pattern. The design of this Louisville sized grocery store, with carpet and tile clearly delimiting where your walking is preferred and where it is not (unless you have a specific interest in the carpeted region's products), is aggravating. I am inefficiently traveling exactly where the architect of this grocery store wants me to, here, on this gum/grape/bug/me persecuted tile. Refuse! At least I do.

Though I feel I must clarify here. It's not that I see myself as better than anyone else, this refusal to walk the path of my fellow shoppers. In fact, Iím not at all decent. Truth be told, Iím not even an allegory of a life, but to silence my mind a little I will walk primarily on the less-popular areas. Stepping on the dirty path only when completely-absolutely necessary.

Clip-clop, squeak. Clip-clop, squeak.

My shoes are falling apart.

I'm walking on the tile right now to get a better look at a blond girl. She stands in an uncarpeted line. Her eyes are birth, death, and everything in between.

Might this place sell heliotropes, because I could never be confused as confident? As such, I walk past existence, and look at her for no more than a despotic second.

Now that I've past-by her, thereís an overbearing compulsion (An irresistible impulse to act regardless of the rationality of the motivation. I memorized the definition of compulsion to impress people.) pushing me to hurry the hell up in finding the commodities Iím here for so that, perhaps, I might pass-by the presumed pulchritude yard of blond girl once more. Hurry hurry, I do and I do, but what was the point? Yeah, sheís still in the checkout line, just her and her slim fast, but I might as well have three heliotropes attached, wherever, as she doesnít notice me.

Maybe I do? I feel a rock in my shoe. Heliotropes for everyone, I guess. That would certainly explain the lack of HIís.

I turn my attention towards my food: are these chicken-squares commodities? Their utility is suspect.

While I simply glance at the girl now, I stare mindfully at the machine she is attached to. A big something, comprised of (1) a touch-screen, (2) a weight sensitive base, (3) a change taker and a (4) change giver, and (5) beeps in a nauseating surplus. In-lieu of all human cashiers, this grocery store has some self-serve robotic checkout terminals.

Thatís just like life. Whatever does whatever, and you enter through an automatic door greeted by costly salutations. When you exit, youíre usually attached to some machine and alone. Nothing to fear though, because thereís impulse-buy magazines and candy to help pass the time.

Hopefully the time will go quickly. The magazine titles ďMillion dollar question: Is he gay?Ē and ďLose 29 [lbs.] by JulyĒ are staring me down, and itís quite painful. I know there are far greater topics that should be delineated. Oil corporations polluting, killing, plundering. Clandestine organizations scheming to exploit HI-rich, but cash-flow poor countries. I'd love to read about that, but instead we have ďSecret Affairs Revealed." I need some sort of escape. I need some kind of freedom. One drink won't do. I know I have a lighter somewhere in my pockets.

Resolving it is indeed a commodity, because the utility of high saturated fat and interminable sulfites will kill me, I decide to forfeit my money, beep-beep, in exchange for whatever this cheek'n stuff is. Finished with capitalism, I guess for the day, I say HI to no one and proceed to the exit.

The door opens, the door closes. A second door opens, and as the second door closes I hear something. An ineffable sound. Does this Door cry? Sad to see me go and melancholy that it can not come with. Or does it laugh? A cruel part of this malevolent world, pushing me further away from it? Or, maybe the door hinges need grease and Iím very much the lunatic.

Outside, the sun is burning pragmatically. The sky is the color of a blue clichť. There's a hole in my pants pocket and I've lost my lighter.

And this day happens far too often for my taste.








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Wow man, I loved that--it's exactly the way I think!

[This message has been edited by astrowill (edited January 15, 2003).]






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quote:
Originally posted by ploppsdman:
I do not think that changing my state of mind will automatically make my life wonderful.[QUOTE]

Um... nothing is going to automatically make your life wonderful short of unexpectantly winning the lottery, to some extent.

Small steps man, small steps everyday. Whatever has gotten you down, you have to take start taking steps to improve it.... thats how you should treat your long standing problems in life.

Ever heard of inertia... that's the tendency for an object to resist acceleration or in other words... an object at rest tends to stay at rest, an object moving in a certain direction tends to keep moving in that direction. But it's a mistake to change direction too fast... tilt the wheel too far on a car and you'll spin out of control.

People are same way, we all have inertia... so my only advice to you is to start taking steps to get what you want. Human examples of changing direction too fast, yo-yo dieting for one... those people who go on an excercise program and then quit three months later for another, all goals and achievement they first soar over, only to crash and burn in time. Happens everywhere college, their jobs, family life, whatever.

Hope you start taking the journey...

[OUOTE]
I do think you are right though, I am waiting for my life to be changed by an outside source. thats b/c i dont know what to do myself.


Well... just pray that life hands you good scraps... that's all you are gonna get if you stay that way. IMHO, have you considered that you like the situation your in, you're just scared that it might change in the future?






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quote:
Originally posted by ploppsdman:

Alex: So what do you do now, Alex? You seem to be in a position to tell me the most. Where do you go from where you are? Do you have plans to get a job? Move to another country, where if they wont hire you solely based on your hearing loss you can sue them (united states. cant you sue the corporation who fired you b/c you are deaf). Move to Minnesota and work for the Learning Strategies Corporation? What about women?

First I changed my mind. The number one thing I figured out is I may not be able to change my situation but I can choose to handle my attitude. Power in that alone.

Take risks... I've tried a few things and fell flat on my face in the process - there will probably be more challenges I may as well face them hiding under the bed covers doesn't make it any easier - it just another choice.

I don't drink or smoke - never appealed to me - that's a choice.

Clear cut goal career wise - ideas in the works have to risk failing there. It's a choice.

Sueing for job loss - failed. Time to move on - my choice.

The problem is the tools that get you out of your rut start in your head... read some motivational books, try something different, keep writing. Ask yourself different questions while you write.

quote:
Originally posted by ploppsdman:
Your posts are typically brillant, Alex. If people think your dumb b/c your deaf, F_ them.

Thank you, I like your implied attitude I hope you live by that yourself ... however- actually - I wouldn't want to give them that pleasure.

Alex






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FYI after I get my GED I'm going to college as a math major in hopes of being an actuary. With your crap degree you can be a stock broker or a teacher or a social worker. Or a cop or a camp counselor... You could work on a cruise ship, which would certainly get you away from home and right alongside the ladies. Work your way up to captain and it's all good. Do any of those jobs appeal to you?






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I think you could be a great writer. I found your posting interesting and funny!

I think that if you learn to think positively you could make great strides. Take the negatives you see as positive opportunities for learning and growth.

Think of it this way - you are very fortunate to be living in America - think of all those kids and people in those poor or war torn countries who would give anything to be living where you are.

You basically have the capabilities and opportunities to be, and do anything you want - which a lot of people could not have, even if they wanted to...






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chao: what you write makes sense. i like " just pray that life hands you good scraps... that's all you are gonna get if you stay that way." im stealing it. its now mine.

i want to start a journey. but where the hell do i go? i dont know. there's the rub. the rub? why the hell did i type that. idiot. thats the PROBLEM!

if i had money, instead of negative money, then id just go. id go anywhere, as would so many people in my craptastic position. thats why im entering in sweepstakes such as this one:
http://www.hgtv.com/hgtv/pac_ctnt/text/0,,HGTV_3936_5797,FF.html

for those of you in the states, this is for a 900K home in florida, a boat, and a car. i am reducing my chances of winning by .0000000001 by posting this, but thats the kind of guy i am.

ill take small steps. but where do i go? a journey to no where starts with a single step, too.

astro: here comes that exam! actuary? i had to look that one up. make sure you lower everyone's premiums and accept everyone for insurance. especially medical.

if you have any questions about schools, ask them. ill repeat this because of its importance: if you are considering school for the fall, make sure you fill out the fafsa form. that form is for student financial aid (loans and grants). im filling it out on the off chance i go to school. it doesnt cost anything to fill out.

Alex and Inquiring: I have tried to change my attitude. im glad if you both can do that, as if your chosing to move your hand not your foot. the negative though always seems to make more sense, especially where im sitting now.

right now, there's more reasons to have a negative attitude than a positive one. when that ratio reverses, then ill be dancing on the table top with my pants down. ? you get the point.

i had a longer post, but im going in circles. ill re-read everyones posts. i probably missed an ocean.

i will take your advice, and choose to end on a positive note:

A list of ten things that kick ass (feel free to add to the list):
1. the shape of some women
2. relaxing on the floor with a dog
3. soft contrasts of hot and cold
4. excitement about seeing someone
5. the moment before playing a game
6. hearing about a friends happy turn of chance (marriage, new job)
7. wedding receptions
8. wishing a movie/song/book didnt have an end
9. jumping in a chilled river bed, with a waterfall overhead
10. certain looks

i dont like making life so cerebral.

ah crap, i ended negatively.






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OOOOK, here's my piece to add to your puzzle. I have been there b-4, it's called depression. Sometimes you can get yourself out of it, sometimes your friends and family can talk you out of it, and sometimes you have to get outside help. It's nothing to be ashamed of either, a large percent of americans (dont remember the percent, but it was large) are said to have severe enuff emotional difficulties that they should seek professional help. It's not the ppl's fault, it's 2-day's society: LIFE CAN BE HARD!! But, just like what everyone else is telling you, if you do nothing to change it, nothing will change. You get out what you put in, you get what you pay for, ect. Another thing. The job market right now sucks. That is a fact. If you couldn't get a crappy job, that's because there are lots of ppl trying to get crappy jobs tight now, because they think that's all they can get. However, if u work hard, you can get a GOOD job, because the GOOD JOB market isn't as saturated as the crap job market. There is always work for skilled persons, and if u want skills and are willing to work for them, you can acquire them. Go to a tech school. You any good at computers? Get certified and work as a comp repairman. Then, save your money to get training in network administration. Move up the ladder. Network Administraters make damn good money. No good at computers? You know a electrician makes more money than some college grads?? Just open ur eyes and look around. You seem to be a good writer. There is even a demand for depressing books, you never know. Just whatever you do, do something!!






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I agree with the last guy, do something! You want to start the journey, don't like where you are but don't know where you want to go.

There.... you have your answer.... do something , take some small steps to somewhere anywhere, if you don't like where your headed then change direction but don't go backtrack to where you've been. After a while, you'll probably find something you like and can pursue that.... nobody always knows where they are headed... but if you stand still in your situation, your never going to cross a path you like.






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