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Here's a quandry. Right now, the biggest bee in my bonet is this one guy who I've never met, not even virtually. He represents many skills, talents, features, traits and such that I simply do not have. Because of this, I am less than completely confortable around the mention of him. His existance makes me aware of all the things that I am not.

I know, intellectually, that I should not fret one bit. I am who I am, and I love the person I am. I don't want to be anyone else but me. However, what I know intellectually and how I actually feel are two completely seperate things.

I was wondering if anyone had a simliar experience, and how they held onto their self-esteem without sacrificing their identity. (In other words, I honestly believe that becoming a clone of this man, even if it were possible, would be counterproductive to all the good things that I am).

[This message has been edited by Kaiden (edited May 15, 2002).]

Remember it's a choice. You can aquire any or all of the skills and talents of the guy that irks you... if you want. No one can ever be inferior or superior to anyone... its a choice. They allow themselves to be and you allow yourself to be and explore life however you want.

See yourself as an explorer of a different jungle to his... your experiences will be different but thats OK afterall do you really need to be him to enjoy your life. There are probably many experiences you've enjoyed that he hadn't because of the different path that he's followed.

Grant yourself permission to look at the skills, talents and whatever else about him you admire. Then decide what if any of them you would like to aquire over time... if at all.

Remember you are judging yourself harshly for not having aquired his talents. But you probably never consciously decided whether you really need these talent. So ask yourself how would I use his talents if I had them? Do I really need them right now in my life? Questions like that.

If you decide you would like to aquire some of the talents he has.. great give yourself esteem a tropey cause you just found some goals for your life.

If you decide you don't need or want these talents right now or later.... great again. How can you be inferior when you made a conscious decision about what you want in your life?

It's your self esteem your pulling down... stop comparing yourself harshly.. find a way to let it be what it is. Look at your life as an adventure unfolding and allow yourself to be...

My suggestion... a starting point good luck.

Alex

From what I understand, if you want to acquire some of the same characteristics as someone else, Instantaneous Personal Magnetism should help fill in the gaps. I don't have any experience with it, but it's supposed to help you when you want to "be like Mike"

Skills and talents are something else altogether. As someone in the computer industry who talks to all types of customers, I've spoken with some extremely technically proficient professionals, and I've spoken with others who shouldn't be working on a server in the first place. These are usually accountants or secretaries that are forced into the task because they just don't have an IT staff. It's very time consuming and requires a lot of patience to be able to help them, and they're usually very aware and apologetic of any technical shortcomings.

What I tell them is that they've most likely spent a lot of time learning to do what they do, just as I have trained and prepared for what I do. I wouldn't be able to just walk in cold and start doing their job either. Given time we could learn to do both jobs but how efficient is that?

All of us have inherent strengths and weaknesses. In an ideal world, we would all appreciate each other's strengths and not belabor the weaknesses. Someone once profoundly said, "No matter where you're at, there you are!"

If it were all only that simple....

[This message has been edited by Glenwood (edited April 27, 2002).]

Thanks, all.

On review of the good advice, it seems the best course of action is to aquire those skills that neither of us possess. Thus, I continue to improve my lot, while not being in an unwinnable battle with someone who is probably unaware of my existance.

I LIKE IT! People admire you for things you can do that they don't. You increase your self-esteem by acquiring a new skill, and by doing so you one-up the other guy by doing something he doesn't already know how to do.

Ack, I'm having nightmares about this guy. I know, intellectually, that I have nothing to fear from him. Still, I do fear him.

Why you fear him.... fear is usually based on self preservation therefore you at some level feel this guy can harm you.

How can he harm you?

You giving your power over to him?

Look within is my suggestion.
Alex

The guy scares me because he has the potential of robbing me of the love of my life. I know intellectually that the fear is unwarrented, but the emotional dynamic of it is that this man is impressive, while I do not view myself as impressive at all.

Also, she won't stop mentioning him. Probably because I am what is called in NLP technical jargon an "external sorter," I cannot avoid comparing myself to him, and then I feel like crap because I cannot measure up to him.

Change your focus. You know the anology of the racing car driver having to look where he wants to go and not the wall, for if he keeps focusing on the wall he will surely hit it because his eye mind connection can't see any other direction?

Or when you say "don't" do something the mind doesn't hear the "don't" so you wind up doing it?

Focus on where you want you relationship to go.. better, closer, more intimate whatever.

You already got 2 things in your favour:
1. Right now she's with you.
2. She wouldn't be with you if you truely failed to measure up already.

The fact that she's talking about him might be simply because she would like to have those dynamics herself and she likes to talk. Perhaps she thinks you admire him too?

No one can make you feel inferior unless you give them the permission to do so.

Let go of focusing on how your relationship could go down the tube because you fail to measure up to this guy in 'your own mind'. (you'll always fail... afterall our own mind is our worse critic... you can see his public image but thats not to say he's not a wussy or a low life in private).

Focus instead on how you can be there in the relationship for the both of you and build on that. Check out the 'Belief' paraliminal or 'New Behavour Generator' or any other tool that will help change your focus to the drection you want to go in the relationship.

Bluntly I'm saying if you keep that up it can become a self fulfilling prophecy. Pull your emotional self online with your intellectual self. Use your intellect to find/use the tools you have to comfort your emotional self and until you find the appropriate tools let go of the negative image you are building of yourself. The best way to do that is keep reminding yourself to look at where you want to go with the relationship.

You're in a new relationship that brings up many weird and wonderful emotions don't stay stuck on the negative ones.

The above is just one way of saying...
If I were there I'd kick your butt. Cause "No-one" deserves to be put down the way you're putting yourself down.

Comparing oneself to others is the worse judgement we lay on ourselves. We never see our good qualities that way only how we think we fail to measure up. There is no comparision... we are all individual expressions of being human.

That's my suggestion. As with any suggestion analsye it, take what works for you and dump the rest. No doubt more suggestion/advise will follow my post

Be true to yourself
Alex

Yes, you will be miserable if you constantly compare yourself to others. There will always be someone smarter or more attractive or more this or more that. Always. Just as there will always be someone less smart or whatever. Listen to Self Esteem Supercharger, because self esteem has a lot to do with how you value yourself. If you continue to compare yourself to others, you'll be unhappy.

In the same way, if you compare yourself to the person you used to be, you'll be unhappy. Lots of people say, "If I would have known then what I know now..." There's no way you could have known then, because you were younger, you were in a different place, with different experiences and knowledge.

Stop comparing yourself to this other person and value yourself.

[This message has been edited by Sandy Millies (edited May 07, 2002).]