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I can't help but wonder why, if she is the "love of your life" you are you worried? That part is a little confusing. Try listening to Anxiety Free, since it sounds as if your biggest block is fear. You are making yourself miserable.

And a blanket statement such as, ..."I do know they have a way of manipulating a situation so it ends up being the guy's fault", is a pretty limiting belief. If you think that is true, I wonder how it's possible to have a good relationship with anyone. Be careful of the limitations you impose on yourself.

I can understand why he's worried... he's human. But I quite agree with Sandy

"Be careful of the limitations you impose on yourself."

I would like to add 'and others"

One thing I have learnt is we must do our best to keep an open mind.

Alex

A wise man once told me, "If you're in a relationship, don't allow yourself to get into situations you may later regret."

This isn't jealousy or mistrust. It isn't some "limitation" on yourself. It is a simple recognition that:

1. Temptation is a tricky thing and no one is immune.
2. You may not know the other person as well as you think. There are much worse things that can happen when you are alone with someone.

To pretend otherwise is ridiculous. Kaiden is not being a paranoid ogre here. He is recognizing the fact that the "love of his life" is, for some reason, placing herself into a potentially tricky situation. It certainly doesn't mean anything will happen, but it's a possibility.

Everyone supports Kaiden, of course. It can be extremely difficult to remember at times, but we CAN take action to make a situation better. We can control the way we feel. For example, we can communicate our feelings, or take some other action to result in an understanding with whomever we're having problems with. My point is that sure, you can say, I don't want her to go, I feel terrible, and I can't help it...and accept this. Or, and I'm not saying it's an easy thing to do, you can take some action to change the situation.

Good luck!

When is your moving day, Kaiden? Can you really pack while she's out there? Why don't you go along? You might even have a good time.
What's the real reason you don't want to go?

Hel,

Actually, moving day is May 18th, and I don't want to go because the trip *would* be on the moving day. I confess I’m more than a little upset that the person who plans on living with me would rather spend the weekend with an ex-lover than help me with moving. It’s inconsiderate, and unfair.

Otherwise, I would much rather be there. Seeing as I was invited, I'm tempted to write him a thank-you note, inviting him up sometime in July. The guy is very "cool," since having over 100 sexual partners tends to put any individual partner in perspective. I also discussed my nightmare in more detail, and realized that although I had pulled some elements of D from it, I was actually dreaming of Kevin. The two are similar in appearance, and I only know them from description.

I realized what bothers me about this guy is that, in the words of my most recent ex, "you can have any woman you want." Thing about the "love of my life" is that one's future is always undecided, but different paths are clear. One path is marriage, one or two kids, grandkids perhaps, dying off, being buried next to each other, maybe even reincarnating and meeting again. At every turn of this path, there is possibility of our ways separating.

If that happens, I would choose celibacy. You can only give the present of "Rapunzel" once and mean it. (If you have a Capricorn girlfriend, try it and see).

Because of that specter, I suddenly revoked permission of myself to fail. If there is one learning strategy that goes through all the learning course this company offers, it is give yourself permission to fail.

I've given myself back this permission.

Anyway, for those who are wondering, she has cheated on me before with one of her friends. It bugged me less after the fact than before it. We had discussed the situation, and although I believed it would probably flush my self-esteem down the toilet, make me curse my birth, and generally cause me much wailing and gnashing of teeth, it didn't. You see, she's bisexual, but had never actually consummated her preferences. She informed me of her desire to do so, and figured I had no right to block anyone’s self-actualization.

Yeah, I’m sure I’ll be able to deal with this, eventually.

Not sure if I mentioned this, but a large part of my lack of emotional self-control is the lack-of-sleep involved in moving, along with the additional stress of the cause for the move being due to financial pressures.

I really don’t know what else to say, other than thank you for reminding me that what I’m feeling is normal, if a bit odd. I hope to be able to rise above “normal,” and have the kind of relationship where I will not be insecure if my wife chooses to sleep naked in the arms of a former lover with clear blue eyes like shattered cathedral windows, long, straight red hair that goes down to the small of his back, a lithe and cat-like body (trained in several forms of martial arts) that seems to walk on air, and a 14”… well, let’s not get too detailed.

What makes me insecure right now is that I cannot lie beside her in our bed and not think “this is just like.”

[This message has been edited by Kaiden (edited May 17, 2002).]

P.S., remind me never to look at my horoscope when I'm in a bad mood.

quote:

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You still struggle with feelings of entitlement. Accept the fact that there are others ahead of you in line. Your turn will come.

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[This message has been edited by Kaiden (edited May 17, 2002).]

Keep going, there is no such thing as "normal", it is a personal experience for each and every on of us. Unconditional love is such a challenge for us. You seem to be demonstrating that, by your endeavours to accept what is that your love for her is unconditional.

Granting permission for 'it' to be as 'it' is is difficult yet also the only thing I have found that can lessen the pain. It is afterall when something fails to meet up to our expectation that we experience internal conflict and pain about a situation.

Hang in there
Alex

Good news, friends! I never think I shall worry about D again. Yep, I know 100% that I'm man enough for her.

And I am an idiot. And I hate myself. Before, I mearly disliked the way my mind worked. I had "issues," but ones that ultimately could be rationalized, and could be taken care of.

But now... now I hate myself. I had a serious misconception. I believed that to be bisexual was to be attracted, sexually, to members of both the same an opposite sex. I suppose that is what it means, but that's not all it means, it would appear.

Yeah, I don't have to worry about some other guy taking my place as her lover.

But, although I am monogamous to with her, she still wants to go out and have sex with other women. Yeah, and I suppose I have "permission" to do the same with other men - not that I want to.

It's 4:22 am, and she's sleeping in my bed, and I'm not... because I can't sleep. I hate myself. I even hate her, a little. I loved her with all my heart, and she says she feels just as strongly towards me.

So why...?

No amount of paraliminal tapes will make me into a woman. No amount of personal learning courses will make me "good enough" for her. I was content to have her on whatever terms she wanted. But, I don't know if I can violate myself this way. I want to uproot stop-signs and go outside my comfort zone, but....

I'm so sad, and so angry, and I feel so betrayed. Not by her, but by myself. I want to love her, and I know she'll stay "loyal" to me, but I'm afraid of getting hurt.

And I'm even more afraid limiting her, of making her resent me because I have certain boundries.

I hate the misfortune of my birth.

I should have been born a pair of ragged claws....

Hey it sounds to me like you're shouldering this relationship on your own.. It cuts both ways... you have to understand each other and respect each others feelings. Those things don't happen overnight they are ongoing in a realtionship. You are not only betraying yourself but her too by denying your feelings.

Does hating yourself for your feeling or thoughts, make the situation better? Change them or accept them. It is true that you cannot change other people, you can give them the opportunity to change by discussion. The choice is theirs just as the choice is yours to get off your own back. Stop being your own worse enemy. Stop making yourself feel wrong for the feelings you do have.

Simply stop getting down on yourself for thoughts and feeling you had in the past.

The past is gone, the present is the now where you can choose to enjoy, be, love and exist in happiness. The future is an idea. The only time we own is the present.

Alex