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Here's a quandry. Right now, the biggest bee in my bonet is this one guy who I've never met, not even virtually. He represents many skills, talents, features, traits and such that I simply do not have. Because of this, I am less than completely confortable around the mention of him. His existance makes me aware of all the things that I am not.

I know, intellectually, that I should not fret one bit. I am who I am, and I love the person I am. I don't want to be anyone else but me. However, what I know intellectually and how I actually feel are two completely seperate things.

I was wondering if anyone had a simliar experience, and how they held onto their self-esteem without sacrificing their identity. (In other words, I honestly believe that becoming a clone of this man, even if it were possible, would be counterproductive to all the good things that I am).

[This message has been edited by Kaiden (edited May 15, 2002).]

Remember it's a choice. You can aquire any or all of the skills and talents of the guy that irks you... if you want. No one can ever be inferior or superior to anyone... its a choice. They allow themselves to be and you allow yourself to be and explore life however you want.

See yourself as an explorer of a different jungle to his... your experiences will be different but thats OK afterall do you really need to be him to enjoy your life. There are probably many experiences you've enjoyed that he hadn't because of the different path that he's followed.

Grant yourself permission to look at the skills, talents and whatever else about him you admire. Then decide what if any of them you would like to aquire over time... if at all.

Remember you are judging yourself harshly for not having aquired his talents. But you probably never consciously decided whether you really need these talent. So ask yourself how would I use his talents if I had them? Do I really need them right now in my life? Questions like that.

If you decide you would like to aquire some of the talents he has.. great give yourself esteem a tropey cause you just found some goals for your life.

If you decide you don't need or want these talents right now or later.... great again. How can you be inferior when you made a conscious decision about what you want in your life?

It's your self esteem your pulling down... stop comparing yourself harshly.. find a way to let it be what it is. Look at your life as an adventure unfolding and allow yourself to be...

My suggestion... a starting point good luck.

Alex

From what I understand, if you want to acquire some of the same characteristics as someone else, Instantaneous Personal Magnetism should help fill in the gaps. I don't have any experience with it, but it's supposed to help you when you want to "be like Mike"

Skills and talents are something else altogether. As someone in the computer industry who talks to all types of customers, I've spoken with some extremely technically proficient professionals, and I've spoken with others who shouldn't be working on a server in the first place. These are usually accountants or secretaries that are forced into the task because they just don't have an IT staff. It's very time consuming and requires a lot of patience to be able to help them, and they're usually very aware and apologetic of any technical shortcomings.

What I tell them is that they've most likely spent a lot of time learning to do what they do, just as I have trained and prepared for what I do. I wouldn't be able to just walk in cold and start doing their job either. Given time we could learn to do both jobs but how efficient is that?

All of us have inherent strengths and weaknesses. In an ideal world, we would all appreciate each other's strengths and not belabor the weaknesses. Someone once profoundly said, "No matter where you're at, there you are!"

If it were all only that simple....

[This message has been edited by Glenwood (edited April 27, 2002).]

Thanks, all.

On review of the good advice, it seems the best course of action is to aquire those skills that neither of us possess. Thus, I continue to improve my lot, while not being in an unwinnable battle with someone who is probably unaware of my existance.

I LIKE IT! People admire you for things you can do that they don't. You increase your self-esteem by acquiring a new skill, and by doing so you one-up the other guy by doing something he doesn't already know how to do.

Ack, I'm having nightmares about this guy. I know, intellectually, that I have nothing to fear from him. Still, I do fear him.

Why you fear him.... fear is usually based on self preservation therefore you at some level feel this guy can harm you.

How can he harm you?

You giving your power over to him?

Look within is my suggestion.
Alex

The guy scares me because he has the potential of robbing me of the love of my life. I know intellectually that the fear is unwarrented, but the emotional dynamic of it is that this man is impressive, while I do not view myself as impressive at all.

Also, she won't stop mentioning him. Probably because I am what is called in NLP technical jargon an "external sorter," I cannot avoid comparing myself to him, and then I feel like crap because I cannot measure up to him.

Change your focus. You know the anology of the racing car driver having to look where he wants to go and not the wall, for if he keeps focusing on the wall he will surely hit it because his eye mind connection can't see any other direction?

Or when you say "don't" do something the mind doesn't hear the "don't" so you wind up doing it?

Focus on where you want you relationship to go.. better, closer, more intimate whatever.

You already got 2 things in your favour:
1. Right now she's with you.
2. She wouldn't be with you if you truely failed to measure up already.

The fact that she's talking about him might be simply because she would like to have those dynamics herself and she likes to talk. Perhaps she thinks you admire him too?

No one can make you feel inferior unless you give them the permission to do so.

Let go of focusing on how your relationship could go down the tube because you fail to measure up to this guy in 'your own mind'. (you'll always fail... afterall our own mind is our worse critic... you can see his public image but thats not to say he's not a wussy or a low life in private).

Focus instead on how you can be there in the relationship for the both of you and build on that. Check out the 'Belief' paraliminal or 'New Behavour Generator' or any other tool that will help change your focus to the drection you want to go in the relationship.

Bluntly I'm saying if you keep that up it can become a self fulfilling prophecy. Pull your emotional self online with your intellectual self. Use your intellect to find/use the tools you have to comfort your emotional self and until you find the appropriate tools let go of the negative image you are building of yourself. The best way to do that is keep reminding yourself to look at where you want to go with the relationship.

You're in a new relationship that brings up many weird and wonderful emotions don't stay stuck on the negative ones.

The above is just one way of saying...
If I were there I'd kick your butt. Cause "No-one" deserves to be put down the way you're putting yourself down.

Comparing oneself to others is the worse judgement we lay on ourselves. We never see our good qualities that way only how we think we fail to measure up. There is no comparision... we are all individual expressions of being human.

That's my suggestion. As with any suggestion analsye it, take what works for you and dump the rest. No doubt more suggestion/advise will follow my post

Be true to yourself
Alex

Yes, you will be miserable if you constantly compare yourself to others. There will always be someone smarter or more attractive or more this or more that. Always. Just as there will always be someone less smart or whatever. Listen to Self Esteem Supercharger, because self esteem has a lot to do with how you value yourself. If you continue to compare yourself to others, you'll be unhappy.

In the same way, if you compare yourself to the person you used to be, you'll be unhappy. Lots of people say, "If I would have known then what I know now..." There's no way you could have known then, because you were younger, you were in a different place, with different experiences and knowledge.

Stop comparing yourself to this other person and value yourself.

[This message has been edited by Sandy Millies (edited May 07, 2002).]

quote:

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Originally posted by AlexK:
Change your focus. You know the anology of the racing car driver having to look where he wants to go and not the wall, for if he keeps focusing on the wall he will surely hit it because his eye mind connection can't see any other direction?

---

Yes, I know the exquisite danger of self-fulfilling prophecy, which only made things worse. I realized today after I basically told my low-self to shut up that my low-self was trying to tell me not to be complacent. He/I was just going about it the wrong way. (I've been studying Huna, and it's improved my memory if nothing else).

Because I haven't been spending much time alone, I haven't listened to the Natural Brilliance generator, nor reviewed the course to remove other stuck-states. I've experienced some regression. A simple cycle of Release/Notice/Respond/Witness would be a lot better than Worry/Doubt/Fret/Panic.

Don't make excuses just do it!

Alex
PS there's no point in fighting with yourself cause 'you' always win

so...
Release, Release, Release and then release again. For added 'feel good' measure pop in a paraliminal before you go to bed... if you use one where Pete brings you to fully alert state... take off the headphones and say 'g'nite Pete' before he counts you out... afterall as he says on his tapes "you are in control".

Be True
Alex

If you have it, listen to the Belief tape. One listening to side A will neutralize any self-defeating or limiting belief you identify. You can choose to free yourself from your belief. Side B will install a new, positive, and self-enhancing belief and put you back on solid ground. Of course there will be times when you start to bring up the old beliefs again, and when this happens, then you can listen again to side A. I've found this to be a very powerful tape.

Good luck!

Here's my take.
You are not scared of him or miserable because you compare yourself to him and he seems to you more impressiive. You can compare yourself to many other impressive people and that doesn't scare you nor make you miserable, right? The fear is there because you think she does what you do, compare you to him and find him more impressive.

If it'd ever entered her mind to do this, she had already done it and had decided you're the one for her.

She probably mentions him in front of you because in her mind, he's just not thought of as a possible contender to you. She mentions him like she would talk to you about any other of her (neutral/girl) friends.

One day, when you are ready, you might mention this 'perceived' threat to her and you two can have a good laugh together.

[This message has been edited by Hel (edited May 08, 2002).]

quote:

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Originally posted by Hel:
If it'd ever entered her mind to do this, she had already done it and had decided you're the one for her.

---

Actually, yes. She's told me in as much. She has a natural sensitivity to when there's something that I want to tell her, but don't want to tell her. (On the first day we met, she said "there's something you want to say... what is it?" I just looked at her in stark terror, said "I love you" and ran out of the room).

You are soooo sweet, Kaiden.

For the sake of context, I said "She's going to Kentucky to spend the weekend with him, camping, in a cave. She'll be sleeping curled next to each other."

But, yeah, I worry to much and make drama out of nothing. I've been busy moving (which is why I wasn't going along, even though I've been invited), and have been sleeping less and less as the amount of packing I need to do stays rather steady compared to the time I have to do it in. I've been keeping myself awake through caffien and ephidrine, which seem to be having a synergetic reaction with the ginkgo I've been taking. In other words, I'm not controlling my emotions the way I ought to be.

[This message has been edited by Kaiden (edited May 16, 2002).]

Ouch.

I know how I felt when a similar thing happened to me. I knew...

All I can say is hang in there... nothing anyone can say can really help. You have a lot of tools and resources under your belt... use them to the best of your ability.

Alex

Kaiden, I know you hate my guts because I'm a car salesman and you want to avoid me at all costs, but....

My experience with women tells me that whenever I expressed any insecurity, neediness, too worried about "the other guy" by asking all kinds of questions after she was with him (like camping on the cave)

proved to be fatal to all those past relationships.

I would suggest to you (if you could take the advice of a low life car salesman)

to ask her how her trip was, get excited when she talks about things she liked, and when she mentions HIM...

act like she is talking about some hairy legged east german shot-putting woman.

Trust me man, show any concern about the DUDE and you will lose points in her eyes.

I know it sucks. Believe me when I say I wish it weren't that way, but it is.

May the Force be with you.

George

Hmmm. You said that he has the potential of robbing you of the love of your life. Of course you would be concerned if she's going to be spending the night with him. Any normal person would be.

No answers, just lots of questions....

1) Can you trust her?

2) Even better, can she trust herself?

3) I don't remember reading it in the post, but were there any romantic inclinations between them in her past?

4) Can your relationship with her survive the weekend?

Even if you pretend everything's ok as Huttog suggests, in YOUR mind you will always wonder what really happened while they were together.

I don't pretend to understand the female psyche, but I do know they have a way of manipulating a situation so it ends up being the guy's fault. If you say something about it, then she says you're insecure, but if you don't say anything, then she says you don't really care about her. It's the darned if you do, darned if you don't dilemma. (Hmmm. Kind of sounds like a paradoxical oscillation doesn't it?)

If she's as intuitive as you say, then she must know that you're uncomfortable with the mere mention of him. And if she knows you're uncomfortable, then she's disrespecting you every time she does it. Have you considered the possibility that by bringing him up in conversation that she might just be testing you? And by going to spend the weekend with him it's an even bigger test?

If the roles were reversed, do you think she would let you go alone to sleep in a cave with another woman? No way! Most women would threaten to end the relationship at the mere thought of it.

Maybe you can do something right before her trip that will etch YOU in her mind so if she even considers anything with this guy, she'll think of you first. A really memorable evening perhaps? I don't know exactly how you would go about it, but as an example, to get children to self-monitor, I get them to volunteer to give me something they consider important in the event they they should misbehave. That way if they even think about doing something wrong, they have to consider the loss of something they really enjoy first.

One final question. If the two of you are in a relationship, and it's supposed to be just a casual friendship with this other guy, then why aren't you going with her? Going camping in a cave sounds like fun, so maybe you should go too! Not to play bodyguard, but because the trip sounds like a good time and you want to do fun things with her. Not only that, it would allow you to finally meet him. It's the perfect opportunity. He could see that she loves you and once you get to know him you might not be so threatened by him. You might even become friends!

At the very least, hopefully you can agree to full disclosure for the weekend. If she comes back and appears distant or obfuscates, only then is it really time to be concerned.

[This message has been edited by Glenwood (edited May 16, 2002).]

I can't help but wonder why, if she is the "love of your life" you are you worried? That part is a little confusing. Try listening to Anxiety Free, since it sounds as if your biggest block is fear. You are making yourself miserable.

And a blanket statement such as, ..."I do know they have a way of manipulating a situation so it ends up being the guy's fault", is a pretty limiting belief. If you think that is true, I wonder how it's possible to have a good relationship with anyone. Be careful of the limitations you impose on yourself.

I can understand why he's worried... he's human. But I quite agree with Sandy

"Be careful of the limitations you impose on yourself."

I would like to add 'and others"

One thing I have learnt is we must do our best to keep an open mind.

Alex

A wise man once told me, "If you're in a relationship, don't allow yourself to get into situations you may later regret."

This isn't jealousy or mistrust. It isn't some "limitation" on yourself. It is a simple recognition that:

1. Temptation is a tricky thing and no one is immune.
2. You may not know the other person as well as you think. There are much worse things that can happen when you are alone with someone.

To pretend otherwise is ridiculous. Kaiden is not being a paranoid ogre here. He is recognizing the fact that the "love of his life" is, for some reason, placing herself into a potentially tricky situation. It certainly doesn't mean anything will happen, but it's a possibility.

Everyone supports Kaiden, of course. It can be extremely difficult to remember at times, but we CAN take action to make a situation better. We can control the way we feel. For example, we can communicate our feelings, or take some other action to result in an understanding with whomever we're having problems with. My point is that sure, you can say, I don't want her to go, I feel terrible, and I can't help it...and accept this. Or, and I'm not saying it's an easy thing to do, you can take some action to change the situation.

Good luck!

When is your moving day, Kaiden? Can you really pack while she's out there? Why don't you go along? You might even have a good time.
What's the real reason you don't want to go?

Hel,

Actually, moving day is May 18th, and I don't want to go because the trip *would* be on the moving day. I confess I’m more than a little upset that the person who plans on living with me would rather spend the weekend with an ex-lover than help me with moving. It’s inconsiderate, and unfair.

Otherwise, I would much rather be there. Seeing as I was invited, I'm tempted to write him a thank-you note, inviting him up sometime in July. The guy is very "cool," since having over 100 sexual partners tends to put any individual partner in perspective. I also discussed my nightmare in more detail, and realized that although I had pulled some elements of D from it, I was actually dreaming of Kevin. The two are similar in appearance, and I only know them from description.

I realized what bothers me about this guy is that, in the words of my most recent ex, "you can have any woman you want." Thing about the "love of my life" is that one's future is always undecided, but different paths are clear. One path is marriage, one or two kids, grandkids perhaps, dying off, being buried next to each other, maybe even reincarnating and meeting again. At every turn of this path, there is possibility of our ways separating.

If that happens, I would choose celibacy. You can only give the present of "Rapunzel" once and mean it. (If you have a Capricorn girlfriend, try it and see).

Because of that specter, I suddenly revoked permission of myself to fail. If there is one learning strategy that goes through all the learning course this company offers, it is give yourself permission to fail.

I've given myself back this permission.

Anyway, for those who are wondering, she has cheated on me before with one of her friends. It bugged me less after the fact than before it. We had discussed the situation, and although I believed it would probably flush my self-esteem down the toilet, make me curse my birth, and generally cause me much wailing and gnashing of teeth, it didn't. You see, she's bisexual, but had never actually consummated her preferences. She informed me of her desire to do so, and figured I had no right to block anyone’s self-actualization.

Yeah, I’m sure I’ll be able to deal with this, eventually.

Not sure if I mentioned this, but a large part of my lack of emotional self-control is the lack-of-sleep involved in moving, along with the additional stress of the cause for the move being due to financial pressures.

I really don’t know what else to say, other than thank you for reminding me that what I’m feeling is normal, if a bit odd. I hope to be able to rise above “normal,” and have the kind of relationship where I will not be insecure if my wife chooses to sleep naked in the arms of a former lover with clear blue eyes like shattered cathedral windows, long, straight red hair that goes down to the small of his back, a lithe and cat-like body (trained in several forms of martial arts) that seems to walk on air, and a 14”… well, let’s not get too detailed.

What makes me insecure right now is that I cannot lie beside her in our bed and not think “this is just like.”

[This message has been edited by Kaiden (edited May 17, 2002).]

P.S., remind me never to look at my horoscope when I'm in a bad mood.

quote:

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You still struggle with feelings of entitlement. Accept the fact that there are others ahead of you in line. Your turn will come.

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[This message has been edited by Kaiden (edited May 17, 2002).]

Keep going, there is no such thing as "normal", it is a personal experience for each and every on of us. Unconditional love is such a challenge for us. You seem to be demonstrating that, by your endeavours to accept what is that your love for her is unconditional.

Granting permission for 'it' to be as 'it' is is difficult yet also the only thing I have found that can lessen the pain. It is afterall when something fails to meet up to our expectation that we experience internal conflict and pain about a situation.

Hang in there
Alex

Good news, friends! I never think I shall worry about D again. Yep, I know 100% that I'm man enough for her.

And I am an idiot. And I hate myself. Before, I mearly disliked the way my mind worked. I had "issues," but ones that ultimately could be rationalized, and could be taken care of.

But now... now I hate myself. I had a serious misconception. I believed that to be bisexual was to be attracted, sexually, to members of both the same an opposite sex. I suppose that is what it means, but that's not all it means, it would appear.

Yeah, I don't have to worry about some other guy taking my place as her lover.

But, although I am monogamous to with her, she still wants to go out and have sex with other women. Yeah, and I suppose I have "permission" to do the same with other men - not that I want to.

It's 4:22 am, and she's sleeping in my bed, and I'm not... because I can't sleep. I hate myself. I even hate her, a little. I loved her with all my heart, and she says she feels just as strongly towards me.

So why...?

No amount of paraliminal tapes will make me into a woman. No amount of personal learning courses will make me "good enough" for her. I was content to have her on whatever terms she wanted. But, I don't know if I can violate myself this way. I want to uproot stop-signs and go outside my comfort zone, but....

I'm so sad, and so angry, and I feel so betrayed. Not by her, but by myself. I want to love her, and I know she'll stay "loyal" to me, but I'm afraid of getting hurt.

And I'm even more afraid limiting her, of making her resent me because I have certain boundries.

I hate the misfortune of my birth.

I should have been born a pair of ragged claws....

Hey it sounds to me like you're shouldering this relationship on your own.. It cuts both ways... you have to understand each other and respect each others feelings. Those things don't happen overnight they are ongoing in a realtionship. You are not only betraying yourself but her too by denying your feelings.

Does hating yourself for your feeling or thoughts, make the situation better? Change them or accept them. It is true that you cannot change other people, you can give them the opportunity to change by discussion. The choice is theirs just as the choice is yours to get off your own back. Stop being your own worse enemy. Stop making yourself feel wrong for the feelings you do have.

Simply stop getting down on yourself for thoughts and feeling you had in the past.

The past is gone, the present is the now where you can choose to enjoy, be, love and exist in happiness. The future is an idea. The only time we own is the present.

Alex

quote:

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Originally posted by AlexK:
Hey it sounds to me like you're shouldering this relationship on your own..

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That's sure what it feels like, but it may not be true. I have a lot of issues myself, and count as a major investment. Hell, I own more self help tapes than most women are likely to see outside of a bookstore. (Yes, I know the forum regulars probably have more than me, but we both know most people aren't unto "all that."

Problem is that we had certain rules, and they changed. When our relationship first started, it was "open," but I choose monogamy right away because I was fulfilled. I thought she choose the same thing, but she really chose monadry. I'm the only guy for her. Now, if I go and ask her to change the rules, **** happens.

I guess my problem is I skipped a "step" somewhere. I had assumed that part of engagement, with our without ring, is an exclusive sexual commitment. She thought that we had already discussed this, and that I was OK with it.

Actually, we HAD discussed it, and I told her that a person is a person, and her having sex with a woman was no different to me than her having sex with a man. But, I also told her I'd rather she have the experiance than regret not having it.

I honestly thought one-and-done.

But no...

And I guess I ought to believe her when she says it's not that I'm not good enough.

And it's all her EGO. She wants to be "outside the box," and that's why she's doing it. You see, "inside the box" is the "bi chick" stereotype. They're round, overweight, and usually have low self-esteem. They write poetry. They have long, naturally curly hair. They don't use makup, and they look better without it anyway. They dress like gypsies, and they usually think they are. They're into the occult, usually some variant of Wicca. This is the stereotype - but I like it because that is the sort of body and personality I look for in a female.

And it doesn't feel weird to know that my fiancee is attracted to other women, any more than it hurts to nkow she's attracted to other men. We are humans, we have attractions.

But, why am I not "enough?"

You are not alone in assuming that engagement is an expression of commitment, and that the conditions change when a relationship moves from dating to engagement. The problem often is, and that happens a lot, that each partner assumes something different.

Please do try to take care of yourself, Kaiden. Love and accept yourself, that helps with loving and accepting others.

Sorry I can't offer you anything other than cyber friendship.

Gook luck with moving. Big hug and lots of love, Hel

[This message has been edited by Hel (edited May 19, 2002).]

The point is You Are Good Enough. Sex is a sign of intimacy and when she chooses to be with someone else she is withdrawing her intimacy from you. She obviously wants more time. You have already made up your mind.

If you are asking why you are not "enough" for her ... well only she can tell you that. All your guesses are likely to be wrong cause she doesn't seem to understand them herself.

All your tapes may not be of help but if you only learn one thing from them... Don't impose limitations on yourself.

Take your power back and recognise you are good enough, always. When you believe you'll see it.

Alex

I'm taking a 49 day sabbatical from the forum. I've been posting *content* looking for *catharsis* recently, rather than *process* in order for *change.* This is the tough step of the Brilliance, the Witness step.

For the next seven weeks, seven times a day, I am writing the affirmation:
Nothing is permanent or pervasive. Everything appears to pass and to change. I go with the flow. I create the change."

I'll give my progress later.

quote:

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Originally posted by Kaiden:
That's sure what it feels like, but it may not be true. I have a lot of issues myself, and count as a major investment. Hell, I own more self help tapes than most women are likely to see outside of a bookstore. (Yes, I know the forum regulars probably have more than me, but we both know most people aren't unto "all that."

Problem is that we had certain rules, and they changed. When our relationship first started, it was "open," but I choose monogamy right away because I was fulfilled. I thought she choose the same thing, but she really chose monadry. I'm the only [b]guy for her. Now, if I go and ask her to change the rules, **** happens.

I guess my problem is I skipped a "step" somewhere. I had assumed that part of engagement, with our without ring, is an exclusive sexual commitment. She thought that we had already discussed this, and that I was OK with it.

Actually, we HAD discussed it, and I told her that a person is a person, and her having sex with a woman was no different to me than her having sex with a man. But, I also told her I'd rather she have the experiance than regret not having it.

I honestly thought one-and-done.

But no...

And I guess I ought to believe her when she says it's not that I'm not good enough.

And it's all her EGO. She wants to be "outside the box," and that's why she's doing it. You see, "inside the box" is the "bi chick" stereotype. They're round, overweight, and usually have low self-esteem. They write poetry. They have long, naturally curly hair. They don't use makup, and they look better without it anyway. They dress like gypsies, and they usually think they are. They're into the occult, usually some variant of Wicca. This is the stereotype - but I like it because that is the sort of body and personality I look for in a female.

And it doesn't feel weird to know that my fiancee is attracted to other women, any more than it hurts to nkow she's attracted to other men. We are humans, we have attractions.

But, why am I not "enough?"[/B]

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Kaiden, you said that this lady was/is the love of your life. Reading through this thread, I've noticed how one-sided the relationship quickly became because of a lack of effective communication. You said you believed that she would want monogamy too because you wanted it. Isn't it true that that was what you HOPED for? My guess is that you didn't discuss the matter with her----probably due to fear that she might leave if you shared your real feelings.

I am convinced that this relationship is NOT a healthy one for you.It's WAY too onesided and turning it around would be next to impossible (NOT IMPOSSIBLE mind you but damn difficult) under the best of circumstances.

You said that you told her you loved her and then ran out of the room. What was all THAT about? Was it that scary to tell her you loved her? What kind of message do you think THAT sent her? That you have WUSS written all over your forehead? If you're going to say something that important, stand up and say it like a man looking DEEP into her eyes!

I know I'm being tough with you but I don't want to see you continually getting hurt! You've got some learning to do regarding attraction (of women) and MAINTAINING that attraction.

My best suggestion to you and this is going to be a bitter pill for you (but I suggest you take it anyways) is this: get OUT of the relationship COMPLETELY! Start looking for and developing 10 (at least 10) replacements for her! As you get better and better at attracting desirable women, her presence (in your mind) will dwindle and weaken! I know this is all harsh sounding for a man as sensitive as yourself but Kaiden, your sensitivity as wonderful as it is in so many other areas of your life, is NOT working for you here. It's been working AGAINST you! A woman can love you VERY deeply and STILL lose her attraction for you! Her attraction for you is created and destroyed by YOUR actions! Again, tough medicine and I wish if was not so but experience over many years has shown me otherwise!

When you're on your path to finding and attracting those 10+ replacements, you might want to find some men who SUCCESSFULLY attract and maintain attraction with the women of their choice and then.... model them! It might take a bit of time to find them but you can and if you care about this area of your life...you will!

Use that incredible brain of yours to build up this area of your life but FIRST, get out of this relationship! Oh btw, it's a longshot but leaving the relationship is SOMETIMES all that's necessary to jolt the other party into reality and back INTO the relationship. If by chance that should happen, just make sure it's YOU who sets YOUR rules this time and that it's YOU who enforces YOUR rules! Your self-resect demands no less!

Good Luck Friend,
Mike

Thanks, Mike.

The fact is, I was shouldering this relationship in its entirety, including on a financial level. I've since ended it and have gotten back together with my previous girlfriend. I don't have any sort of issues with her, due to open and honest communication.

Honesty with others flows from and flows back into honesty with one's self. That sort of honesty is important.

Kaiden, you need to change the subject line of this thread because it no longer applies! Whatever and whoever else Kaiden is, he's DEFINITELY NO wannabe!!!

Congratulations for taking care of a tough situation! Kaiden, if I can ever be of help, feel free to email me at Mike433@webtv.net

Take Care Friend,
Mike