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#4378 05/18/02 11:55 AM
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Kaiden Offline OP
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quote:
Originally posted by AlexK:
Hey it sounds to me like you're shouldering this relationship on your own..

That's sure what it feels like, but it may not be true. I have a lot of issues myself, and count as a major investment. Hell, I own more self help tapes than most women are likely to see outside of a bookstore. (Yes, I know the forum regulars probably have more than me, but we both know most people aren't unto "all that."

Problem is that we had certain rules, and they changed. When our relationship first started, it was "open," but I choose monogamy right away because I was fulfilled. I thought she choose the same thing, but she really chose monadry. I'm the only guy for her. Now, if I go and ask her to change the rules, **** happens.

I guess my problem is I skipped a "step" somewhere. I had assumed that part of engagement, with our without ring, is an exclusive sexual commitment. She thought that we had already discussed this, and that I was OK with it.

Actually, we HAD discussed it, and I told her that a person is a person, and her having sex with a woman was no different to me than her having sex with a man. But, I also told her I'd rather she have the experiance than regret not having it.

I honestly thought one-and-done.

But no...

And I guess I ought to believe her when she says it's not that I'm not good enough.

And it's all her EGO. She wants to be "outside the box," and that's why she's doing it. You see, "inside the box" is the "bi chick" stereotype. They're round, overweight, and usually have low self-esteem. They write poetry. They have long, naturally curly hair. They don't use makup, and they look better without it anyway. They dress like gypsies, and they usually think they are. They're into the occult, usually some variant of Wicca. This is the stereotype - but I like it because that is the sort of body and personality I look for in a female.

And it doesn't feel weird to know that my fiancee is attracted to other women, any more than it hurts to nkow she's attracted to other men. We are humans, we have attractions.

But, why am I not "enough?"






#4379 05/18/02 01:51 PM
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Hel Offline
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You are not alone in assuming that engagement is an expression of commitment, and that the conditions change when a relationship moves from dating to engagement. The problem often is, and that happens a lot, that each partner assumes something different.

Please do try to take care of yourself, Kaiden. Love and accept yourself, that helps with loving and accepting others.

Sorry I can't offer you anything other than cyber friendship.

Gook luck with moving. Big hug and lots of love, Hel

[This message has been edited by Hel (edited May 19, 2002).]






#4380 05/18/02 02:22 PM
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The point is You Are Good Enough. Sex is a sign of intimacy and when she chooses to be with someone else she is withdrawing her intimacy from you. She obviously wants more time. You have already made up your mind.

If you are asking why you are not "enough" for her ... well only she can tell you that. All your guesses are likely to be wrong cause she doesn't seem to understand them herself.

All your tapes may not be of help but if you only learn one thing from them... Don't impose limitations on yourself.

Take your power back and recognise you are good enough, always. When you believe you'll see it.

Alex






#4381 05/18/02 11:47 PM
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Kaiden Offline OP
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I'm taking a 49 day sabbatical from the forum. I've been posting *content* looking for *catharsis* recently, rather than *process* in order for *change.* This is the tough step of the Brilliance, the Witness step.

For the next seven weeks, seven times a day, I am writing the affirmation:
Nothing is permanent or pervasive. Everything appears to pass and to change. I go with the flow. I create the change."

I'll give my progress later.






#4382 11/20/02 04:15 PM
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quote:
Originally posted by Kaiden:
That's sure what it feels like, but it may not be true. I have a lot of issues myself, and count as a major investment. Hell, I own more self help tapes than most women are likely to see outside of a bookstore. (Yes, I know the forum regulars probably have more than me, but we both know most people aren't unto "all that."

Problem is that we had certain rules, and they changed. When our relationship first started, it was "open," but I choose monogamy right away because I was fulfilled. I thought she choose the same thing, but she really chose monadry. I'm the only [b]guy for her. Now, if I go and ask her to change the rules, **** happens.

I guess my problem is I skipped a "step" somewhere. I had assumed that part of engagement, with our without ring, is an exclusive sexual commitment. She thought that we had already discussed this, and that I was OK with it.

Actually, we HAD discussed it, and I told her that a person is a person, and her having sex with a woman was no different to me than her having sex with a man. But, I also told her I'd rather she have the experiance than regret not having it.

I honestly thought one-and-done.

But no...

And I guess I ought to believe her when she says it's not that I'm not good enough.

And it's all her EGO. She wants to be "outside the box," and that's why she's doing it. You see, "inside the box" is the "bi chick" stereotype. They're round, overweight, and usually have low self-esteem. They write poetry. They have long, naturally curly hair. They don't use makup, and they look better without it anyway. They dress like gypsies, and they usually think they are. They're into the occult, usually some variant of Wicca. This is the stereotype - but I like it because that is the sort of body and personality I look for in a female.

And it doesn't feel weird to know that my fiancee is attracted to other women, any more than it hurts to nkow she's attracted to other men. We are humans, we have attractions.

But, why am I not "enough?"[/B]









#4383 11/20/02 04:42 PM
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Kaiden, you said that this lady was/is the love of your life. Reading through this thread, I've noticed how one-sided the relationship quickly became because of a lack of effective communication. You said you believed that she would want monogamy too because you wanted it. Isn't it true that that was what you HOPED for? My guess is that you didn't discuss the matter with her----probably due to fear that she might leave if you shared your real feelings.

I am convinced that this relationship is NOT a healthy one for you.It's WAY too onesided and turning it around would be next to impossible (NOT IMPOSSIBLE mind you but damn difficult) under the best of circumstances.

You said that you told her you loved her and then ran out of the room. What was all THAT about? Was it that scary to tell her you loved her? What kind of message do you think THAT sent her? That you have WUSS written all over your forehead? If you're going to say something that important, stand up and say it like a man looking DEEP into her eyes!

I know I'm being tough with you but I don't want to see you continually getting hurt! You've got some learning to do regarding attraction (of women) and MAINTAINING that attraction.

My best suggestion to you and this is going to be a bitter pill for you (but I suggest you take it anyways) is this: get OUT of the relationship COMPLETELY! Start looking for and developing 10 (at least 10) replacements for her! As you get better and better at attracting desirable women, her presence (in your mind) will dwindle and weaken! I know this is all harsh sounding for a man as sensitive as yourself but Kaiden, your sensitivity as wonderful as it is in so many other areas of your life, is NOT working for you here. It's been working AGAINST you! A woman can love you VERY deeply and STILL lose her attraction for you! Her attraction for you is created and destroyed by YOUR actions! Again, tough medicine and I wish if was not so but experience over many years has shown me otherwise!

When you're on your path to finding and attracting those 10+ replacements, you might want to find some men who SUCCESSFULLY attract and maintain attraction with the women of their choice and then.... model them! It might take a bit of time to find them but you can and if you care about this area of your life...you will!

Use that incredible brain of yours to build up this area of your life but FIRST, get out of this relationship! Oh btw, it's a longshot but leaving the relationship is SOMETIMES all that's necessary to jolt the other party into reality and back INTO the relationship. If by chance that should happen, just make sure it's YOU who sets YOUR rules this time and that it's YOU who enforces YOUR rules! Your self-resect demands no less!

Good Luck Friend,
Mike






#4384 11/20/02 08:51 PM
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Kaiden Offline OP
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Thanks, Mike.

The fact is, I was shouldering this relationship in its entirety, including on a financial level. I've since ended it and have gotten back together with my previous girlfriend. I don't have any sort of issues with her, due to open and honest communication.

Honesty with others flows from and flows back into honesty with one's self. That sort of honesty is important.






#4385 11/21/02 05:34 PM
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Kaiden, you need to change the subject line of this thread because it no longer applies! Whatever and whoever else Kaiden is, he's DEFINITELY NO wannabe!!!

Congratulations for taking care of a tough situation! Kaiden, if I can ever be of help, feel free to email me at Mike433@webtv.net

Take Care Friend,
Mike







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