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Please help - confused and frustrated!

I completed Seeds of Enlightenment and have been thrilled with the expanded states and progress I have made. I absolutely love Jeddah and her teachings have brought me to a state of consciousness and understanding I have never experienced before. I really get it about non-duality now!

However, I have now started Embracing Freedom and am devastated to be completely unable to access the states Jeddah is teaching in Meditation 1. Not only unable, but I get so frustrated and disappointed in the meditation, that I end up going backwards and manifesting a state of despair. Tonite I actually just turned it off in the middle.

I have tried to work with this meditation several times over a couple of weeks now with consistently the same results. I dont understand how to proceed.

In the Seeds meditations, all I needed to do was to intend something, and have trust in the Sea of Awareness to carry it out. That was really working for me. Now I am being asked to be in a state of willingness in order to manifest my intention to be in a state of joy? And then allowing the state to happen? I end up spinning around in confusion and frustration, especially when it is difficult for me to achieve a state of joy in the first place, then the guidance is to manifest these other states in order to increase the joy, and that is when I tip over the edge in the other direction.

While I understand willing and allowing in a conceptual way - I am confused as to how they work within the actual practice.

I would be so grateful for any guidance or suggestions here.

WaterBird

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Hi WaterBird!

I sense your frustration with the results you are experiencing with the first meditation in Embracing Freedom, but encourage you to move on with the course. Don’t try to master each topic on your first time through. You can revisit this meditation at a later time and will have a completely different experience when you go back with the insights you gain from the rest of the course.

Embracing Freedom takes the universal concepts we integrated in Seeds of Enlightenment and brings them into a more personal context. The universal aspects of “Trust and Surrender” are now being made personal through “Willing and Allowing.” It’s all part of the process, and insistence on getting it “right” will create performance anxiety and increased contraction around the topic. Just let it be what it is and move on.

Please be gentle with yourself. We are all works in process and may perceive highs and lows in our practice, but gradually come to the realization that we are “already it” and always were!

Lots of love,
Wendy

Last edited by Wendy_Greer; 07/19/10 05:55 PM.
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Hi Wendy-

Thanks for that encouragement, and "permission" to move on ;-)

I was actually considering doing that, but it seemed really bad to do it on the first meditation, and also Jeddah said in the introduction to the course to go through them in order. You totally nailed it when you said about "doing it right"!

Its interesting you align it with Turst and Surrender, because I spent several weeks working with that one because I really felt it strongly and it was working really well for me. Also because I really appreciate the way that Jeddah frames "surrender" as that is such a tricky word. I actually didnt have any trouble with that one at all. And I still fall back on that when things are rugged for me.

I just dont seem to resonate with the "willing" part of this meditation. I get confused about whether it is willing in the sense of using my will to cause something to happen, or willing in the sense of being willing to experience something (which feels more like allowing). Then when I cant manifest the state Jeddah is working with (joy), I feel like there must be something in me that isnt willing to experience it, and you can imagine how that feels - I dont want to experience joy? What part of me might that be and how do I change that? And that is the place I get caught in the confusion and frustration. About that time is when she says to allow more joy, which I cant even do in the first place, and that's where I tip over the edge. Aaargh!

I will follow your advice and move on to the next meditation. Thank you for moderating this forum. It is the only one in which I am actually getting real help with the materials.

WaterBird

Last edited by WaterBird; 07/20/10 05:10 AM.
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Hi,
I've found the second series a bit too much talking on an intellectual level to really drop deep into sitting meditation. I'm only through number 5 though. I have been using them on my ipod and taking them with me on my morning walk. It's become a walking meditation and I seem to get more out of it that way and less frustrated. Good luck. It's great material to work with in whatever way you can find to absorb it.
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Thanks Alexandra -
I have made it to meditation 3. Per Wendy's advice, if I start getting hung up, I just move on to the next one. I agree that this level is a bit more "heady" and I have gone back to the first level occasionally (I will probably never outgrow Trust and Surrender!)
I have intentionally listened to the intro and the meditation while driving, not to meditate but to hear the teaching, which I can then let go of "listening" or focusing so much during the meditation and drop deeper.

A walking meditation sounds interesting - especially in light of the whole idea being about how to maintain these states in our everyday life!

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Hi Waterbird,

I read your post and understand your confusion about willing a feeling state versus surrendering to experience that state.

I have found there is a huge difference when I intend (or will) a feeling state and when that state naturally occurs from being surrendered to the present moment.

For me, intention is like "fake it 'til you make it". For me, all of Jeddah's teachings are like an athlete doing mental rehearsal for a big game. And I am not practicing to play the game of life... but to enjoy it!

I find that the more I practice, the more states of joy spontaneously occur without as much "trying". So willingness may be the intention to practice what joy feels like.

For me, higher feeling states are difficult simply because I am not familiar with them do to years of restrictive thought.


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Hi Sheryll and Waterbird!

For me the intention is nothing without the willingness to allow it to happen – that would be like imagining something but not allowing the space for it to enter. This doesn’t feel to me like a forceful attempt to make or not make something happen (as in will power – “I’m going to MAKE this happen by hook or by crook!"), but more of an allowing. This openness of being willing is not contrived, but is a natural, spontaneous expansion that allows me to truly surrender to the present moment and allow the space for awareness to follow my energetic focus and intention.

As I tend to channel everything through my head, my biggest challenge with Jeddah’s teachings has been not intellectualizing them, but allowing myself to experience them. The more facility I have developed with this, the easier it has been for me to spontaneously trust and open to whatever process I am experiencing. These are definitely not intended to be mental exercises, but to be experiential learnings that lead not to a specific destination but to a state of being that includes the spontaneous joy you mention.

As I continue to use the tools I am more and more consistently experiencing the light, harmony and expansion that come to culmination and fruition in Infinite Grace. I am definitely not there all the time, but I find it happening more and more spontaneously.

Trust the process!

Lots of love,
Wendy


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