That Texan turned out to be one of the best, friendliest people I've ever known.
I actually felt, while he was saying what he did the first day, that this must be a very brave and eager man. While he was being disruptive and confrontational, he was also opening himself up to the instructor and entire crowd. He was showing how deeply he cared about the subject matter and that he was more than a little intimidated by some of it. This is my interpretation of it, anyway.
Towards the end of the course he asked if he could address the group, and he got up and said that we were some of the best people that he's ever known and that he made tons of progress. That for the first time in his life he felt safe enough to realize that he had been using achievement as a way to push aside his feelings of inadequacy and being unable to relate to others. Since very young, he felt alone and afraid and couldn't relate. He started to cry as he said this. He thanked us for allowing him to be able to see this and letting him know that he didn't have to hide anymore.
It was really freaky hearing this from such an apparently strong man. And there was a lot of suffering there.
Later on he had a heart attack (at home). For some reason, I wasn't surprised. I think sometimes that happens when there is a big conflict inside the heart. The body just decides that it needs to tell a person that, really, you cannot live a certain way ... and bam. Heart attack, or some other illness.
I was told that after the heart attack he slowed down and had changed things and was doing ok.
It wasn't the first story I've heard of some high-powered individual going to a seminar, making tons of changes, and going back to their lives and having a heart attack. I wonder how common this sort of thing is with type-A personalities who make these kinds of changes?
Anyway, so yeah ... he made tons of progress. We all did. I saw people and my perceptions of people change right before my eyes. It is so weird to witness someone else and yourself doing a 180 in a matter of minutes. It gives me a lot of hope.
I really miss that seminar.
Sometimes I go back and bring the feelings with me to try and recapture some of that magic.
I remember being on the phone with my mom and just communicating with her in a new way. She was pouring this overbearing, motherly advice on me over and over, and I just allowed myself to accept her intention. Instead of trying to prove that I was a capable person and not a child, I calmly said, "Yes, you're right. It's important for me to be safe, and I appreciate you wanting everything to work out for me." She fell silent on the other end, stammered a little bit, and said, "Well, ok." I then made small talk to ease the sudden awkwardness. She didn't have any behaviors to handle the way I was responding to her. All that forceful energy was just swept away, lovingly.
Ahhh, those were the days.
I also remember hearing an argument between two people. It was very heated. I could tell that one person was trying but unable to see the viewpoint of another in a way he could accept. I figured he should at least be able to look at it and make up his own mind about it. I could suddenly feel some words in a language pattern appear before my eyes. I walked up to him as he was talking and said, "Well, you might want to think of it this way ..." I don't remember what I said but I got all of the non-verbal unconscious processing signals. De-focus of the eyes. Flushing of the face, slightly. His posture changed. And then all of a sudden everything eased. He looked back at me and said, "Thank you."
The argument was over. All the fire was gone.
It was pretty amazing. Ahhh, those were the days.
