Hel,
Actually, moving day is May 18th, and I don't want to go because the trip *would* be on the moving day. I confess I’m more than a little upset that the person who plans on living with me would rather spend the weekend with an ex-lover than help me with moving. It’s inconsiderate, and unfair.
Otherwise, I would much rather be there. Seeing as I was invited, I'm tempted to write him a thank-you note, inviting him up sometime in July. The guy is very "cool," since having over 100 sexual partners tends to put any individual partner in perspective. I also discussed my nightmare in more detail, and realized that although I had pulled some elements of D from it, I was actually dreaming of Kevin. The two are similar in appearance, and I only know them from description.
I realized what bothers me about this guy is that, in the words of my most recent ex, "you can have any woman you want." Thing about the "love of my life" is that one's future is always undecided, but different paths are clear. One path is marriage, one or two kids, grandkids perhaps, dying off, being buried next to each other, maybe even reincarnating and meeting again. At every turn of this path, there is possibility of our ways separating.
If that happens, I would choose celibacy. You can only give the present of "Rapunzel" once and mean it. (If you have a Capricorn girlfriend, try it and see).
Because of that specter, I suddenly revoked permission of myself to fail. If there is one learning strategy that goes through all the learning course this company offers, it is give yourself permission to fail.
I've given myself back this permission.
Anyway, for those who are wondering, she has cheated on me before with one of her friends. It bugged me less after the fact than before it. We had discussed the situation, and although I believed it would probably flush my self-esteem down the toilet, make me curse my birth, and generally cause me much wailing and gnashing of teeth, it didn't. You see, she's bisexual, but had never actually consummated her preferences. She informed me of her desire to do so, and figured I had no right to block anyone’s self-actualization.
Yeah, I’m sure I’ll be able to deal with this, eventually.
Not sure if I mentioned this, but a large part of my lack of emotional self-control is the lack-of-sleep involved in moving, along with the additional stress of the cause for the move being due to financial pressures.
I really don’t know what else to say, other than thank you for reminding me that what I’m feeling is normal, if a bit odd. I hope to be able to rise above “normal,” and have the kind of relationship where I will not be insecure if my wife chooses to sleep naked in the arms of a former lover with clear blue eyes like shattered cathedral windows, long, straight red hair that goes down to the small of his back, a lithe and cat-like body (trained in several forms of martial arts) that seems to walk on air, and a 14”… well, let’s not get too detailed.
What makes me insecure right now is that I cannot lie beside her in our bed and not think “this is just like.”
[This message has been edited by Kaiden (edited May 17, 2002).]
