Good news, friends! I never think I shall worry about D again. Yep, I know 100% that I'm man enough for her.
And I am an idiot. And I hate myself. Before, I mearly disliked the way my mind worked. I had "issues," but ones that ultimately could be rationalized, and could be taken care of.
But now... now I hate myself. I had a serious misconception. I believed that to be bisexual was to be attracted, sexually, to members of both the same an opposite sex. I suppose that is what it means, but that's not all it means, it would appear.
Yeah, I don't have to worry about some other guy taking my place as her lover.
But, although I am monogamous to with her, she still wants to go out and have sex with other women. Yeah, and I suppose I have "permission" to do the same with other men - not that I want to.
It's 4:22 am, and she's sleeping in my bed, and I'm not... because I can't sleep. I hate myself. I even hate her, a little. I loved her with all my heart, and she says she feels just as strongly towards me.
So why...?
No amount of paraliminal tapes will make me into a woman. No amount of personal learning courses will make me "good enough" for her. I was content to have her on whatever terms she wanted. But, I don't know if I can violate myself this way. I want to uproot stop-signs and go outside my comfort zone, but....
I'm so sad, and so angry, and I feel so betrayed. Not by her, but by myself. I want to love her, and I know she'll stay "loyal" to me, but I'm afraid of getting hurt.
And I'm even more afraid limiting her, of making her resent me because I have certain boundries.
I hate the misfortune of my birth.
I should have been born a pair of ragged claws....
