Day 5 - and yet more change and deeper understanding.
I noticed yesterday that my mouth was curved down in a scowl (this is definitely not me as I am an upbeat happy person). So realised that what I focus on is what I get. I have been focusing on pretty down-beat stuff and my face and emotions reflect that. Time to ease up on the pain-induced-by-losing-mother-to-old-age stuff.
Today I worked on Chapter 11 of Sedona book, that is Cleaning Up. I no longer want to spend 90 mins. releasing on Mum and my issues around her, more like a quick daily release of accumulated anger, irritation, intolerance, judgement and then on to more ES orientated things.
The Clean Up was just perfect. I found a huge well of genuine grief. I accept that the strong, vibrant woman is gone. What currently replaces my mother is a frail 82 year old who is losing all her powers, the ability to concentrate, the ability to remember, the ability to write (she is still a journalist), the ability to walk, the ability to physically work in her garden.
I tried successfully to complete most of the steps in the Clean Up process. Gained thereby considerable insights. Didn't like what I saw and found some aspects difficult to accept in the now. However I realise I am not a monster. I am behaving like this because I am resisting the negative spiral I see in her. I also accept that it is pointless to resist - this is the cause of my pain and my being rough on her. I was unable to let go (release) everything, but feel this is OK. Such a major loss as losing one's beloved and respected mother is not achieved in one brief session.
I am sad. That is human. Better to release slowly and appreciate what is left of her and be at her side in compassion and supportively. Make the most of the now - that is the lesson.
I subsequently turned my attention to the six daily disciplines to achieve Effortless Success. There is so much information in one brief interview - Jack outlines the six disciplines FAST - so I decided to use my iPod and write the extract down. Now I have a written blueprint for how to shape, live and review my success-journey-days.
This may be the last installment in this thread. Did it benefit anyone or is it pure egotistical meandering that is better done in a private journal?
PS I accompanied my dad on his road to death. Left my great and superbly paid job and Germany to spend a year at his bedside in Ireland, post stroke. It is awful/amazing to realise that my mother has sold her house in Ireland and come to live here (in France), so I can accompany her on her final journey. It feels like a burden and very sad. The time is here. It is now. How will I cope yet again? The key is to stay in the now, I think.
