Dear French Claire,
I just read this subject and have been emotionally touched. I lost my Mother this year, on March 23rd. She had full blown Alzheimers and I was angry. I found it difficult to call her and finally stopped when the nurse said she was talking to someone else. I could hear her. This still hurts. I didn't handle this issue well at all. I had flown to California the year before in February to visit her before she could no longer live with my sister. She had begged me to come live with me. I had to tell her I was not able to help her like my sister could. Unfortunately this was true at the time, even now. My growth is phenomenol right now, but time heals. I have tears in my eyes as I write this. I am not even sure I will actually send it. I have felt such guilt, such anger, such sadness, and such grief. I still resent that I could not talk to my Mother. I could always make her laugh and she had been a tremendous support to me in the last 16 years or so. I miss her love and encouragement. I missed being able to encourage her, to cause her to laugh, and yes, to be a confidante when she was angry or felt neglected by my sister. By support I mean emotional and spiritual support. I have had no one else until now. I am having a full-blown sobbing experience. I have you as a partner now and this forum as support. This ES Program is fabulous for me.
I believe what I am trying to share here is that all these emotions, as horrible as they are, are common. You have taken on that which I couldn't. I do not want to be around any Alzheimer or whatever names they called it on the way there. It is a heart breaking experience and I applaud you for sharing it so bravely. When Mom passed on I thought I would just celebrate her release. Instead I have had extreme grief and sadness, which totally surprised me as I thought I had already worked through these during the past year. I believe you are farther along than I was at that time. Everyone I knew thought I should just let it go. There wasn't any understanding and I sure did need some then.
I have done a lot of releasing while writing this. There is still a lot of sadness and hurt I'm finding right now that have been hidden. I miss my Mom now that she is gone, but I missed her more when she was here, yet I couldn't communicate with her. I support you, Claire, in this situation. May you find yourself surrounded with love and held up by your natural self; and the help of this forum, and of course my support.
