Dear Sheryll,
It sounds as though you are a prisoner of your own thoughts and continually manifesting fear...expectations of future pain. Experience yourself as a divine being, don't ever forget that you are sacred and divine, and that all pairs of opposites (love/hate, good/not good, desireable/repellent etc) are just thoughts produced by (your own) mind. Strive to observe your thoughts, but not to prefer this or that, just observe what is. And take note of your own reaction to what you observe...when you feel fear or confusion take note of what you are feeling physically, where in your body you feel tightness or imbalance, watch yourself react. Do the same when you feel joy, and by cultivating this type of conscious awareness the negative power will be diminished , and in recognising it happening your own positivity, power and control will increase. When you become the observer of your thoughts rather than the victim of them amazing things start to happen. Who IS the thinker of the thought?
The great spiritual traditions teach seekers to rest their minds in love, compassion, tolerance and forgiveness, and to calm the mental chatter of the 'little ego mind' in order to perceive the truth. We cannot experience the bliss of divine reality until we can establish our mind in calmness and serenity. No one else can do this for you.
Sometimes we need to seek out the company of like minded individuals to support us when the going gets tough, to feel a part of a community , but in the end the way to spiritual enlightenment is to empty the mind of 'stuff', not put more stuff in, and only when all of the 'isms' and 'ologies' and dogma's and doctrines are laid quietly to rest will the light of truth and love and blissful serenity flood into concsiousness, establishing unity, removing separation and dissolving all fear. When you recognise yourself and what you really are, that you are everything that is, there is nothing outside of you, then there is nothing outside of yourself to fear.
Try to focus on what you DO want,(love,companionship,trust etc) and not what you don't want, as your mind will always find a way to create what you focus on the most.
Choose joy, compassion,kindness, forgiveness. Every morning when you wake up run through your mind all of the things that you are grateful for in your life. Calm the mental chatter and be amazed at the miracle of your existence.
Love, light and smiles!
